Queer as Folk: Season Five

I just finished S5 Ep10, which is the bomb episode, for those who don’t remember. I figured I’d take a moment to stop and reflect as it’s an intense episode, and I remember, more or less, what happens in the last three episodes.

It is fascinating to watch this show now that I am the age the characters were at the start of the show. When I first watched the show, I was 18, which was almost 12 years ago, and the show ended a year before that. I’ve done some living and learned about the world since then.

The bomb episode is bittersweet. Though the show dabbles with death before this episode, this was the first time you see something of that scale. Long story short, there is a benefit to raise money to stop Proposition 14, which will ban same-sex marriage, and said benefit takes place at Babylon. While Cyndi Lauper is performing (I just learned the song has a Babylon Remix which was used for the show) a bomb goes off. The first time I watched it (and even in re-watches before this) things like Pulse hadn’t happened yet, so I had a different perspective this time.

The sweet comes with Justin and Brian. I think I may have to retract my statement that I hate Justin the most. In season five, he was easily my favorite character, as he had such maturity. Anyway, I still remember the first time I watched the scene where Brian finally tells Justin he loves him. I still get emotional when I watch it because it meant so much to me to see.

Brian is supposed to be leaving for Australia, but he learns of the bombing (of his club) on his way to the airport and turns back around. He is so afraid that something has happened to Justin. He’s always loved Justin and cared for him, in his own way, without expressing it using those words. He finds Justin and they embrace, all covered in smoke, and he finally says “I love you,” and the look on Justin’s face. He grabs onto Brian as if he can’t believe it is real.

I first saw the scene shortly after being introduced to the show by my roommate at the time. I was watching clips of the show on Youtube (as one would do when one couldn’t afford the boxsets and streaming services weren’t a big thing in 2006) and stumbled across one with a title along the lines of “Brian finally says ‘I love you’ to Justin.” I don’t think I knew the context of how it came about, as I’d only watched clips here and there. I don’t think it was until 19 or 20 that I watched the show in order.

It was such a great feeling, even know, for Justin to hear those words he had been waiting so long to hear. Even though I tend to enjoy bitter ends when it comes to gay media, I really cared for their relationship and wanted the best for them (despite thinking Ethan and Justin seemed more suited for each other.)

I may or may not write one final post about the overall season (which will discuss how I hated Hunter this season. He was the Dawn of the show,) or maybe I’ll just start writing when I move on to a new show. I have kinda enjoyed these “reviews” if you will. Perhaps next will be Buffy.

Queer As Folk Season 4

This may be part one, as I’m only halfway through season 4, so I’ll try to make this short and sweet. I have to eat my words in regards to Justin, I completely forgot that I quite enjoyed him this season. Though Justin bothered me a lot as a character in the first half of the series, and even though I felt Ethan and Justin were more compatible, I really enjoy Brian and Justin together.

Despite Brian being over ten years Justin’s senior, Justin is clearly the more mature one, especially when it comes to expressing emotions. Once upon a time, I had a friend who told me I was like Brian. We definitely share methods of communication and emotional expression, which is quite little. Though I relate to the way he interacts with people, I was never a big fan of his until the final two seasons. I loved when he went through cancer because he had a vulnerability we hadn’t really seen before.

There are two scenes that really hit me in regards to this two. The first is when Justin doesn’t know about Brian’s cancer. In typical Brian fashion, he pretends he is going on an impulse vacation. When Justin confronts him about not being invited, Brian yells at him, and walks away, partly in pain from being sick, but also because he is hurting Justin in hopes of driving him away. He walks back and Justin tells him if he did or said something to upset him, he didn’t mean to (as Brian has been pushing him away for at least a few days at this point.) It was really touching.

The other is after Brian kicks Justin out (upon discovering Justin knows of his cancer.) Justin comes back to fight for his relationship. This time he yells at Brian, telling him he has been a piece of shit for not telling him and for thinking he would leave. I found that touching too.

I think it was this season when I really started to relate to Brian. I have a tendency to push people away too. The closer someone tries to get, the harder I push. Also, like Brian, I have my idea of what it means to be perfect, and I don’t like to stray from it.

Also, I want to touch on the death of Uncle Vic. It is interesting to watch something years later and have it affect you differently. I watched the episode where Uncle Vic dies on Tuesday, the day after the second anniversary of my mother’s death, and it hit me harder than expected. I related so much to Debbie, as she had concerns of how her brother felt about her, as he died after a fight. My mother and I didn’t have a fight before she passed away, but I also thought later in life we would reconnect and life didn’t work that way for me. Sometimes it makes me sad if I think about that too much.

Nothing else really stood out to me so far, other than I hated that Michael told Brian he and Justin knew about the cancer, despite him telling Justin they couldn’t say anything. Though he said it was an accident, I feel he purposefully did it so Justin couldn’t say something first.

Queer As Folk Season 3

I finished Season 3 without even realizing it. I think my post about Ethan and Justin said a majority of my thoughts on Season 3, so this should be short and sweet. Though I like Brian and Justin together, I still think Ethan was better with Justin, but that had to do something to get them to break up so it could be Brian and Justin again.

I forgot about Hunter coming into the picture (and I believe it is Season 4 when he just pops up with all new teeth and it isn’t commented on.) At first, I hated Hunter, though not as much as Justin. I hated how he treated Ben and Michael, despite the fact that they were trying desperately to help him. Also, something that comes up in season 4, but Hunter is apparently straight, which doesn’t make sense, as he actively pursued Brian in Season 3, even offering to pay Brian to sleep with him rather than having Brian pay like a typical client, so it seemed weird to make him straight, maybe bi.

The main thing I hadn’t talked about was Emmett and Ted. I really enjoyed their relationship, and though I really enjoyed the Blake and Ted story about addiction and crystal use, the Emmett and Ted story was more fleshed out. Of all the things that happen to the characters that felt out of, well, character, for the characters, Ted becoming a crystal queen made sense.

When he had an argument with Emmett about how he uses crystal because he doesn’t want to be himself anymore, it reminded me of Willow’s talk with Buffy when she indulges in the dark magicks. In both cases, they were the reliable, meek characters, and their addiction is fueled, subconsciously, by self-loathing. It’s beautiful and tragic and relatable.

I have a few top favorite moments in QAF, and one of them happens in Season 3. Ted finally hits rock bottom, which is being awake for days and discovering he got gangbanged while watching video of it. He goes to rehab and there he sees Blake. I loved this because the last time you saw Blake was Season 1, and he just disappeared, presumably dead. Naturally, Ted assumes he is a patient in rehab, but it turns out he is a counselor. I love that moment when Ted realizes that. That’s the thing I love about tv shows, characters have so much room to grow. In the two years they haven’t seen each other, their places in life completely switched. We don’t know what Blake has been through since we last saw him, but we know he was able to kick his addiction and is now helping others to do the same.

I also liked how despite being so against Ted helping Blake, when it was Emmett’s turn, he behaved much like Ted, if not more so, in trying to defend and deflect Ted’s destructive behavior.

Another favorite moment is when Michael confronts Ben about his steroid use. At one point, Ben, in his roid rage, says maybe he should be with someone who is also positive. Michael finds a needle Ben uses for steroids and threats to prick himself with it, thus exposing himself to HIV as well. Ben gets scared and demands Michael doesn’t do it and Michael tells him to stop using the steroids and to stop hurting himself and their relationship. The dialogue and the tension of that scene were perfect.

Now I’m on to season 4 and after that, the fifth and final season.

Queer As Folk: Justin & Ethan

So, this is going to go against my previous two posts where I said I hate Justin. It still stands true, but I really liked his relationship with Ethan. Towards the end of season 2, Justin meets Ethan, a young violinist, and there is instant chemistry between the two. I think it has a lot to do with the two of them being artists. I can’t say this for a fact, but I believe those with artistic souls are more passionate about things than others. In this case, Ethan’s passion and romantic ways draw Justin to him.

Ethan provides Justin what he desperately wants from Brian; romance and attention. Brian shows Justin in his own little ways that he cares but he refuses to make grand romantic gestures. So, Justin plays with fire by continuing to flirt with Ethan. One particular instance, which is probably my favorite, is when Justin and Ethan have this romantic lunch picnic on Ethan’s living room. Justin craves that kinda thing and Ethan slowly but surely seduces him by feeding that craving. The next scene is Justin recreating a picnic dinner on the floor at Brian’s. Brian comes home and instantly isn’t into it, which begs the question is Justin into Ethan or is he into the idea that Ethan represents, which is romance; the one thing lacking (for Justin) in his relationship with Brian.

Eventually, Justin leaves Brian for Ethan (I haven’t gotten to the episode yet, so I can’t remember exactly why.) but their love is short lived. Again, I believe it is an issue of the writers using the characters as plot devices more than anything, but who knows. Ethan ends up cheating on Justin and he goes back to Brian. I have the same issue with Ethan cheating as I have with Kevin suggesting an open relationship in Looking. In my mind, at least the way I thought I knew the character, it would seem highly unlikely for Ethan to cheat on Justin after spending so much time to win him. In Looking, Kevin finally wins Patrick back, only to suggest an open relationship. To me, these did not seem like moves these characters would make. However, would Queer as Folk really continue if Brian and Justin’s relationship didn’t? It was the whole premise of the show.

Though I dislike Justin, I thought he’d found his soulmate in Ethan. I remember thinking I was going to meet a musician in college and we’d fall madly in love. It didn’t happen. Though I am an artist at heart, I care myself more like a Brian. I keep people at a safe distance and I don’t like when people try to get close. The closer someone tries to get, the harder I push them away. But underneath it all, I relate to what Justin wanted. The passion, the romance, the attention. And I think when you are both artists you can relate on a different level.

I also liked that Ethan was more age appropriate. Ethan was a struggling artist, which I also found attractive about him. When I see myself falling in love, I see the guy being equal to me and we help the other build his career and success. I saw that and I wanted that for the two of them.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Justin and Brian are cute together, I just thought Justin and Ethan were better. What makes me like Justin and Brian are the moments when Brian lets down his guard and lets Justin in. Ethan was like that all the time, sentimental, romantic and sweet. But the show must go on.

Queer As Folk Season 1

Queer as Folk was my introduction to gay TV at the tender age of 18 and it shaped how I thought the “gay world” would be, which never really came to pass, at least not for me. Season 1 is an introduction to the characters, and I really enjoyed them all… except Justin. Though at that time, he should have been the one I related to the most, at least age-wise, Michael was the one I identified with and I had such a crush on Hal Sparks because of Michael. Michael’s relationships have always been my goals. I think I also identified with Brian, though only on an emotional level. He showed people he cared in his own ways but was not one to wear his heart on his sleeve.

It’s funny, this time around, I find myself a lot more attracted to Ted than I think I’ve ever been. Even for the “ugly” older friend, he is pretty fit and I could see myself with a Ted these days, though Michael would still be #1.

At 18, I’d never been to a club, I’d barely touched alcohol, and I was 100% a virgin, so it was interesting to see a show that included so much partying and sex. I liked the idea of a core group of friends that did everything together. I thought once I finally entered the “gay” world I’d find that group.

Something that really bothered me about season 1 is something that would bother me again later down the road. Buffy is my favorite show, and I never felt the characters did anything out of character for the sake of the story and I believe that is why I judge other shows so harshly. My biggest issue with season 1 is Emmett making a promise to God to never sleep with another man if he is negative after a HIV scare. I understand why they wanted to tell this story, but it felt like a story that should have been told through someone else.

Emmett is the “queeniest” of the group. He has always been the way he was. He doesn’t appear to be religious, I don’t recall him bringing up religion and/or God often, if ever again. Also, his promise was never to sleep with another man again, but that somehow converts to him trying to be straight. It just didn’t make any sense to me, other than the writers wanting to tell the story of conversion groups. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to discuss, but I needed more to make me believe the one of the group who seems most proud to be gay would try to become straight. Other than that (and a lack of diversity), I really love this first season and the show in general.

I remember expecting to see clubs and bars like Babylon when I came out and only finding BS West. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun at BS West, but it was no Babylon. It wasn’t until my first time in San Diego, for San Diego Pride, that I discovered Rich’s, which is still Babylon to me.

It’s also strange to watch a show that had 20+ episodes per season, as I’m so used to shows having around 13.

Finally, the season finale. It was brutal on my emotions. I think seeing Justin get hit affected me more now as an adult, as seeing things like Pulse and real bashing in the news, than it did the first time. When I was 18, I didn’t know anything about gay bashings. It was also one of the first moments when Brian breaks his guard and shows he truly cares for Justin.

Now I’m midway through Season 2 and still loving it (I can’t decide who I am more like, Ben or Michael, but theirs is my favorite relationship of the series.)

Queer As Folk S2: Ep. 8

So, I’ve been rewatching the series and will likely write a review of sorts of each season, but I wanted to focus this piece on this particular episode, and a particular moment in this episode which explains why I hate Justin.

From the beginning, Justin was my least favorite character. I found him immature, naive and quite the stalker, he was like the Dawn (from Buffy) of this series, I personally couldn’t find any redeeming qualities. To his credit, I did like that he was like an encyclopedia, which allowed the writers to add pertinent information, like statistics to support the argument of another character, through him, though there was never much discussion, if any, as to how he learned or retained all this information. That aspect of him reminds me of someone I know. He can tell you about just about anything and I enjoy listening to him tell me these random facts he just retains.

In this episode, Justin is convinced he needs to meet people his own age, so he goes to this party and ends up sleeping with this guy who is a virgin. Justin and Brian have rules for their relationship, one of which being that they can not kiss people on the mouth. However, feeling guilty when the guy (I don’t remember if he was even given a name) tries to kiss him after they sleep together, he gives in and kisses him.

The next day, Brian kisses Justin and tells he kissed someone else, so now Justin feels guilty. The guy comes to the diner to find Justin and tells him they have a connection and he loves Justin and Justin tells him never to come back there and that he is acting like a pathetic little fairy.

The main reason I hate this scene is that he is such a hypocrite. The only reason he and Brian are together is he wore him down and was persistent. He clearly fell in love with Brian after Brian took his virginity, so it seems illogical for him to not understand it could happen if he takes someone’s virginity (as it happened in S1 with Daphne.) It also felt a little out of character. Justin could be moody and emotional, but he was rarely mean without reason. I assume he does this so the guy doesn’t pursue him like he pursued Brian, but I think it was ultimately because he felt guilty about breaking his rules with Brian and was taking his anger out on the guy.

I know it is just a tv show, but it made me so angry and sad for him, as you never see him again. I wanted the character to come back later and be some sort of antagonist or something. Justin could have taken him in as a friend, as Brian’s friends took him in the year before. Part of me also wonders if Justin saw himself in that guy and didn’t want the competition or it was his chance to lash out at himself over his behavior to finally get Brian to like him back.

I guess I felt so bad for that guy because I relate to him a lot. He didn’t want to sleep with a lot of guys, he was just looking for someone special, and he thought he’d found that in Justin (I’m assuming him being a virgin didn’t help, though I never developed feelings for the guy who took my virginity), and he was wrong. I get wanting to make more of something than it is and maybe developing feelings for someone faster than you should, which is part of why I keep my distance, emotionally, from people.

At this point, his story was more interesting to me than Justin’s. I wanted to know what happened to him after he was told never to come back. They live in a small town. Did he finally end up going out (as he seemed like he was still in the closet), did he become a heartbreaker?

I think I would have felt differently if the guy hadn’t been a virgin, as Justin took Daphne’s virginity and she got emotionally attached to him after, even after they said things wouldn’t get weird, so he really should have known better than to sleep with another virgin. And to outright banish the kid from the diner too. It was just overall shitty and it pushed me from disliking Justin to hating him.

Altered Carbon

I’ll start by saying I love cyberpunk and film noir, so I am a little shocked and disappointed that I didn’t give this show a chance sooner. I remember seeing advertisements along Santa Monica Blvd that looked like real people encased on the sides of bus stops, but other than that, I wasn’t really sure what it was about.

I watched the first episode a few weeks ago, and I instantly thought it was a lesser version of Dollhouse, and I was incredibly mistaken. I don’t know if one is better than the other, as I love both for different reasons. I do wonder what Dollhouse could have been had it been a Netflix show rather than Fox, but that’s a different topic for a different blog.

The first episode confused me a bit. There was a lot of information to take in, but something I learned from being a Whedon fan (though this is not a Whedon show) is sometimes you have to let a show warm up a little bit, and I found myself hooked by the third episode.

I’m going to try not to spoil anything and just go into the things I really loved about the show. One, I love, love, LOVE Dichen Lachman. I first discovered her in Dollhouse and for some reason, I expected her to just have a side role (don’t ask me why I thought that), but she was pretty integral and I loved her character. I thought the acting, in general, was done really well. I felt I cared for all the characters, be they good, bad or in-between, though aside from Rei (Dichen’s character), my favorite character is Poe, an AI inspired by Edgar Allen Poe with a fascination with humanity.

One of the things that drew me to Dollhouse was the theme of what makes one human, and Altered Carbon also asks this question, though I fell the two shows went about it in different ways. Altered Carbon is definitely more violent and sexual than Dollhouse was (and even if Whedon had made Dollhouse on Netflix, I don’t see a lot of violence and sex being his thing.) In Dollhouse, it is a secret from the world that there are dolls. Dolls are blank slates of people, people who willingly, most of the time, signed away a set amount of time to live as dolls. Who they are is wiped from their body and stored away and they are imprinted with personalities for engagements, which are usually sexual. After the engagement, they are wiped and go back to the infantile doll state. Dollhouse is all about exposing the Dollhouse exists, led by Agent Paul Ballard, played by Tahmoh Penikett, who is also in Altered Carbon. (Sidenote, learning Dichen and Tahmoh were in Altered Carbon is what made me decide to start watching.) Dollhouse is also about the client favorite, Echo, played by Eliza Dushku, starting to remember engagements even after being wiped.

Altered Carbon is more like the Epitaph episodes of Dollhouse. The technology is out there already and widely used and the world has changed. We start with Takeshi Kovacs being killed, and then he wakes up 250 (I believe) years later. Everyone has a slack, which is essentially what makes them who they are, and they can be implanted into sleeves (bodies). So long as the slack remains intact, the person can just go from sleeve to sleeve.

The concept is so fascinating to me because it really questions what makes you, well, you. Is it your body or is it something more. You inevitably get to the question of the soul. Would I still be the exact same person if I were in a different body, and what if that body had originally belonged to someone else? How would that alter my interactions with people? As the show progresses, you learn that Takeshi’s new sleeve is no accident and it does affect how he is treated.

Something else I found fascinating, and both Dollhouse and Altered Carbon touch on this, but I’m hoping maybe Altered Carbon will get a chance to explore it further, is the concept of love in the world full of dolls/sleeves. One example from Altered Carbon, as it is fresher in my mind, is a mom is resleeved, but in a man’s body. She has a husband, and when they reunite, Poe says something about love transcending all, and they do continue their relationship, despite her being cross-sleeved. In Dollhouse, a male doll in imprinted with a female personality (I can’t remember the why at this moment), but in the Dollhouse universe, multiple dolls can be imprinted with the same personality (one of my favorites was episode 4 of season 1, called Gray Hour. Echo and Sierra, Dichen’s character, are imprinted with a personality that reminded me a lot of Faith, my favorite Buffy character.) In Dollhouse it seemed more for comedic effect though. It really makes you, or at least me, think, if you love someone and they come back in a different body or their body alters in some way, would you still love them? (And I would really like to see someone reference that part of the show in an argument for the LGBT community in a paper or something.)

There are two criticisms the show had that I would like to address before I move forward. One was whitewashing and the other was violence, particularly against women. When I first watched the first episode, it did bother me that a man named Takeshi was being played by a white man. I thought if it is all about sleeves not mattering, why not make the sleeve another Asian man? From my understanding, as I did not read the book, and just learned it is based on a book, this is done intentionally, as part of his conflict and coming to terms with being an Asian man in a white man’s body. Also, aside from that, the cast on this show is quite diverse.

As for the violence, there is quite a bit of violence, and quite a bit of it done against women, and lots of naked women (though there were bits of full front naked men, which is quite surprising for an American production.) I don’t want to say it didn’t bother me because violence against women always bothers me, but I felt it was done intentionally as well. There are a lot of sex workers in this world, and they tend to get mistreated, even killed, as so long as their slack is intact, they can be given a new sleeve and continue on. For me, it made the final episode that much more rewarding to see those in power pay for what they had done (again, can’t give too much without spoilers.)

I felt both shows did an interesting job of discussing gender and class. In Dollhouse, though there are male dolls, a majority of the dolls you see are female. In Altered Carbon, though everyone has slacks, the sex workers are mainly female. You don’t see a male one until the final scenes of the finale (I hope it is just the season one finale, and not the end of the series.) In Dollhouse, as it is a secret organization, one must have a lot of money to be a client. In Altered Carbon, it is more about, even though everyone is essentially immortal, there is still a way to divide the haves from the have-nots. The Meths (I don’t know if that was short for something) are wealthy, they live in the sky, above the poor people. It made me think a bit about The Time Machine. They have more wealth than can be imagined, have the best sleeves and even clones of themselves. The show is really about how that wealth mixed with immortality causes them to lose their humanity.

There is also a relationship that felt a bit incestuous to me, but it is hard to explain it without spoilers. I will just say, there is a particular relationship that reminded me of Flowers in the Attic. I saw the film but didn’t read the book. In the film, a group of siblings, two boys, and two girls, are locked in an attic by their mom and become a family unit of sorts. As such, the oldest two, a boy and girl, become the mom and dad to the youngest two. In the book, I believe it leads to an actual romantic and sexual relationship between the two. Anyway, there is a brother-sister relationship, and I felt the sister’s love for her brother was more than just, well, brotherly. She was extremely jealous of any woman he showed interested in, and at one point she is in the sleeve of one of these women. It made her character all the more interesting, and I wonder if it had to do with them being abused and orphaned as children, and as such, having to be the mom and dad, much like the older kids in Flowers in the Attic, but that may be me just reading too much into it.

All in all, I’m glad I watched it, and I’m glad I gave it a second chance, as after watching the first episode the first time, I didn’t think I would watch it again. From what I hear, there is going to be a second season, though Joel Kinnaman may not be in it, despite playing Takeshi Kovacs, the lead character. However, in a show about people being slacks, not the sleeves they inhabit, the entire cast could change if they really wanted to do so.

The Broken Hearts Club

I find it interesting how certain things or people can come into your life with perfect timing. The other night I was randomly re-watching Queer as Folk. That show meant (and still means) so much to me. It helped me on my journey towards coming out. It was 2006 and I’d just turned 18 when I was introduced to the show by my college roommate. He was gay, and I got to ask him a lot of questions I hadn’t been able to ask before. Anyway, the show is comforting to me, but also reminds me of how I thought life would be once I came out versus how it actually was.

That same night, I watched the first episode of Santa Clarita Diet, which I really enjoyed, with a friend, and seeing Timothy Olyphant, made him think of The Broken Hearts Club, so we watched that after, as I’ve never watched it before. Sidenote, I find Timothy much more attractive now than then, not that he wasn’t attractive back then, but he’s grown finer with age.

I think I’d heard of the movie before, I just never got around to watching it. Even before I was 18 and on my own, I tried to get my hands on LGBT film and TV, I suppose in a way to seek comfort or reassurance that it was normal and everything would be ok. Around 20, right around the time I came out, this kicked into overdrive. I’d search Wikipedia and IMDB for gay films and find them and watch them. Side note, Latter Days still makes me cry because the end was finally the moment when I realized I was gay and it was ok.

It took a little bit for me to get into the film, as it is dated, to say the least, but I became intrigued when it was brought to my attention that they live in West Hollywood. For those who don’t know, so do I (two years in May), and it was interesting to see what it looked like back in 2000 (well, I imagine the film was filmed in 1999.)

A part of me wishes I had been an adult in the 90s. My friend was in his early twenties when the film came out, he saw it in theaters. He’s a wealth of random information, which proved useful as he was able to tell me where things were shot and what they were referring to if they referenced a certain movie or store. I think me wanting to be an adult (or maybe teen) in the 90s is a grass is greener on the other side situation. I mean, would I have had more fun, as I tell myself, would living in a different time somehow make me a different person?

Thanks to Queer as Folk, I longed for a core group of gay friends for a very long time, even before that, I’d longed to belong to a core group. It never really worked out for me. I was able to move in and out of friend groups, some that couldn’t stand others, but didn’t belong to one solely. I realize as I’m the common denominator in these equations, it must be me, but I never really figured it out and no one has brought it to my attention. I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in, and perhaps I manifested it through that thinking. Nonetheless, I thought I’d come out, find three gay friends and we would do everything together… and it didn’t quite work out that way.

The Broken Hearts Club reminded me of how I felt when I first started watching Queer as Folk. I related the most to Kevin, though I’ve been out almost 10 years now, I still find myself learning and trying to navigate the gay world. I relate to his naivety in falling for someone because of a hook up (which may explain why I avoid them.)

It’s fascinating, and I talked about this in the G.B.F post, but a lot of gay men come out and go through a hookup phase. Like Dennis says in the film, he is 28 and wasn’t able to be gay for 25 years, so he had time to make up for. I never had that phase, and I often wonder if that is something to be thankful for or to regret.

I think a problem with being a writer is I always have these grand ideas, as my imagination tends to run wild, and real life tends to pale in comparison. It’s odd, Queer as Folk and The Broken Hearts Club bot have a bittersweet effect on me. They comfort me, as I see it is possible to develop meaningful relationships with other gay men (not to say I haven’t done so, as I do have some close gay male friends), but I also feel in some way that I have and am wasting my youth.

One of my favorite films is Nowhere, it is this 90s film that is really hard to explain, I’ll have to re-watch it and write a post about it. Rachel True, whom I LOVE, is in the film, and she is dating a guy, but they are both bi and have an open relationship, though he wishes to be monogamous. She essentially tells him that our bodies are for connecting with other people and she wants to do that now before she is old and no one wants her anymore. That always stuck with me, though I’ve done very little to implement that philosophy into my own life.

Back in my early gay Phoenix years, my friends would joke about me being asexual, and I think that has come up here in West Hollywood too. And, in all honesty, sex scares me for a number of reasons. I’m afraid to catch something, I’m afraid I’ll be terrible due to lack of experience, I’m afraid of expecting more or growing attached, and I’m afraid of intimacy. A lot of people can have casual sex, but I’m not one of those people.

This one time, years ago, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was hanging with some friends. One, in particular, was always flirting, and there were drinks involved and I sought solace. It started innocently enough, just touching and being close, nothing sexual, as we were in the living room and other people were around. Then it got late and it was time for bed and I went in his room with him and cuddling lead to kissing and that led to close coming off, but when it came time to, well, do it, I was so scared for some reason, I was literally trembling. I wasn’t afraid of him, I’d known him a while and found him very attractive, and he hadn’t pressured me or forced me into anything. I was just scared (and he was a gentleman about it and we just cuddled the rest of the night, which was nice.)

One may think, one doesn’t have to have casual sex, one can go on dates and whatnot, well I don’t do that either. And I just keep thinking of Rachel’s character in Nowhere and wondering if I am wasting my youth. I’m not blaming it on anyone other than myself, I don’t put myself out there or flirt or ask anyone out or any of that stuff because that also scares me. A have a lot of fear hindering my life, perhaps why I sense I’ll regret my wasted youth.

Queer as Folk made me think I’d come out and get all this attention but that was not the case (though I did get some attention.) And for some reason, despite it not happening in Phoenix, I thought it would happen here in West Hollywood upon moving here, and again, not the case (though I did get some attention.) That being said, I feel we all mature at our own pace, some slower than others. I feel that I am finally starting to learn who I am as a person. Focusing more on writing these days has also helped me to focus more on what I like about myself, what I’d like to improve upon, and what issues and insecurities I need to work through to become the best me.

This one ended up being more about me than the film, which I suppose is ok. I’ve rambled on long enough. Part of me wishes I’d watched it sooner. I wish I’d been more comfortable with being gay sooner, and in some ways, I’m not sure if I’m completely comfortable with it yet, but that’s another post for another day.

 

Looking

So, I’m realizing these are less reviews and more how these shows/films/video games/books made me feel, and I’m just going to stick with it.

A friend and I watched Looking back when it first aired. We’d meet up once a week at his place, watch the episode and then discuss. I LOVED the first season. The series really spoke to me for a few reasons. First, the series that really helped me on my journey to coming out was Queer As Folk (US), and I’ll likely re-watch it in the near future and write something about it. Looking reminded me a lot of QAF and made me feel how I felt when I watched QAF (more on that in a bit.) Second, I had set my plan to move to Los Angeles, and seeing gays living in a big city in California resonated with me.

The second season, I still loved the show, but I was really upset with the characters, especially Patrick. Patrick is the one I identify with the most, though I feel far removed from any of the characters, also Jonathan Groff is adorably hot (which I feel is a rare find, being adorable and hot at the same time.) With QAF, I identified most with Michael, and he is the Michael, in my opinion, of the series. I loved him and Richie, and I hated him and Kevin.

Going through the series a second time, I feel a bit differently. I still love Patrick/Richie and hate Patrick/Kevin, but I could understand Patrick’s decisions a bit more. I don’t know if having been in Los Angeles almost two years (officially two years in 16 days… how crazy) made me think differently about things (or how it would.) I finally watched the film too. I just finished watching it, and it moved me so much.

When I would critique the series, up to about yesterday, actually, I would say the thing that bugged me about the characters was they were making mistakes I felt people in their early 20s would make, not people in their late 20s and 30s. Yet, I feel completely different about it now. The mistakes they were making were relationship mistakes, and those have no age limit. Though I think Patrick shouldn’t have been a homewrecker.

I remember being more critical of the show when it first aired, and I think my friend still has this opinion, because it shows a very promiscuous and drug-friendly side of the community that I couldn’t relate to, though I was happy it had more diversity than I saw in QAF. However, I started watching before I took my LGBTV (LGBT Television) course and learned that minorities tend to be more critical (and if I’m anything, I’m critical) of portrayals they see in media, as there is less representation. Example: You can see a junkie who is white in a show/film, and that can be the only junkie, and most people will not have a problem. However, if you have one black character in a show/film and they are a junkie, that is problematic.

So, I have less issue with the sex and the drugs than I did before, because though that is not my experience, I know that is the experience of gay men out there. If you don’t believe me, by all means hit up The Chapel on a Sunday night, the dance floor is like a mini circuit party.

The movie makes me wish I’d done more to support the show so it would have continued. I don’t know what I could have done, maybe watched it more, posted more about it, I could have written this two, three years ago?

My friend felt all the characters, except Richie and Doris, were terrible people. I agree less now. I think now that they were just navigating through life, and it isn’t always going to be right or even remotely perfect.

Now onto how it made me feel. I remember the first time I watched Latter Days, I was 20 and somehow stumbled upon it in my quest to find more gay cinema. I cried like a baby at the end. It was a touching moment, but for me, it was the moment when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, and I finally admitted to myself that one day I wanted to be in love. Watching shows like QAF and Looking remind me of that.

The end of the film made me so happy (I won’t spoil it, in case you, like me, didn’t watch it when it originally came out,) and it reminded me of that longing I have. I’m aware I stand in my own way though (when you want to be a writer, you kind of have to be self-aware). I keep people at a distant, and those who get too close I push away, so I still have some learning and growing to do, work out my inner demons and childhood traumas and such.

I feel like a cliché sometimes. It’s crazy, because even before I was out or would admit to myself that I was gay, I’d have this fantasy, and it would recur all the time. I lived in this apartment that had a front porch and a guy would walk me to my door after some date (the fantasy never included the actual date) and he’d kiss me goodnight. I was 18, and I’m 29 now (I’ll be 30 in seven months) and it has yet to happen… and now I don’t even have a damn front porch…

I feel like an anomaly among my gay friends. I don’t hook up. The last (official) date I can remember being on happened back in… 2013 or 2014… I think? Which is why I don’t relate to the characters in many gay films/shows (not that I’m actively seeking to change any of this.) I’ve been told many times throughout my life that I’m an old soul. From a young age, even before I knew I was gay, I knew what I wanted.

I don’t just want a boyfriend, I want a boyfriend that will become a husband. I want monogamy, the house, the kids, the whole nine yards, just that hetreonormative life, I suppose, and maybe I shouldn’t want it, but I do. I don’t judge anyone living differently, and I’m not saving myself for marriage or anything. I just, I don’t know, I find sex to be very intimate, so I’m not good at trying to do it casually, and part of me, which some may find very stupid, is saving myself for a relationship. I obviously can’t expect a future boyfriend/partner to do the same for me, but I find something about it to be rather romantic on my part.

I’m aware of the whole love yourself before you love somebody else thing, and I’m still working on the first part, so I’m in no rush to find someone or for someone to find me. But scenes in the show and the film pulled at my heartstrings. I couldn’t help but think, oh, that would be nice when I’d see the flirting, the hand holding, the relationship in bloom. So. Freaking. Charming.

This was definitely a series that was gone way before its time.

The Punisher

This weekend, I actually stayed in, for once, and managed to finish watching The Punisher. I’m not sure what took me so long to finally start it or why I didn’t finish it sooner, as I loved it. If not for my love of Daredevil and Elektra, I would say The Punisher is my favorite Netflix/Marvel show… but alas, it is my second favorite.

I don’t know if it is a Virgo in me or what, but I am really drawn to a tough guy who is also sensitive. When I would post that I was watching I kept referring to Frank Castle as Daddy Frank and Billy Russo as Zaddy Billy. In the end, I found myself drawn more to Zaddy Billy (as far as attraction), though I think it may be because he reminded me of a guy I had a crush on once upon a time…

Back to the review, I really enjoyed the vulnerability of both characters. The juxtaposition of them being these ruthless killers made to the moments when they were emotional and/or lighthearted just pulled me in. I felt like tearing up any moment Frank let his guard down, especially the moments he had with Karen. There was SO much tension and I can’t wait until season two (and Daredevil season three) to see what happens next.

Before Daredevil season two, I didn’t know much about The Punisher. I knew his background and I knew there was a film that didn’t do well. I like him for similar reasons that I like Elektra, they are killers and you don’t really know if they are good or bad (I suppose it depends on who you ask). I consider them both to be tragic heroes, and that is probably way I’m drawn more to Billy than Frank. Frank is to Daredevil as Billy is to Elektra (minus the romantic/sexual relationship).

I also loved Dinah. She was such a bad ass and I loved that she was relentless in achieving her goal. Her relationship with Billy also reminded me of the Daredevil/Elektra relationship. I don’t want to give away spoilers for anyone who may be reading this who hasn’t watched, but I’ll just saw both know more about the other than they let on. And even though Billy is this pretty boy, and one would expect him to be some type of player, he would open up to Dinah and show this strange emotional side that I found charming.

The one thing I didn’t like about the show, which is a bit nitpicky on my part, was the fucking kids. So, early in the series, Frank teams up with a guy named Microchip, much like himself, the world thinks Microchip is dead. This was an excellent pairing, as it gave some comedic elements and, it warmed me to Frank to see him bond with someone. But Microchip’s fucking kids, his son in particular were annoying as fuck.

Since his family doesn’t know he is alive, he spies on them, and from time to time has Frank go check on them. His annoying ass son is rude and angry, and towards the end of the season, he and Frank have this really touching moment where he reveals the reason he is such a little bastard… only for him to go right back to being a little bastard shortly after, which results in him putting his entire family in danger. It reminded me a bit of Gabe’s annoying ass from The Walking Dead: A New Frontier.

Other than that, and a few times when the gore was a bit much for my taste, I thoroughly enjoyed the season. I’m hoping Elektra returns in a future season of one of these Netflix shows (also, I love that she is the focal point of the thumbnail for The Defenders), as I’m curious how she would interact with Frank. Better yet, if there is another season of The Defenders, can we exchange Iron Fist with him?

And before I forget, I really enjoyed the commentary on veterans thorough the season. It is not unknown that veterans return from war and don’t know what to do with themselves for a number of reasons, such as PTSD, or not being able to find a decent job. The support group scenes were excellent and showed lots of different sides of the coin, some coping well and some not coping at all. There were certain storylines I didn’t expect to develop, i.e. Lewis, but then I was surprised that his story didn’t climax with Frank’s, Dinah’s and Billy’s, but, again, small nitpicky thing. If you haven’t watched it and are a fan of the other Netflix shows, I don’t know what you’re waiting for.