Another Day of Sun

So, Feb 12th marked my second year of living in Los Angeles, but May 1st (technically April 30th) marked my second year of living in West Hollywood. Sure, I moved maybe four miles, but my life as a Californian truly began once I moved to WeHo. So I figured I’d reflect on it a bit.

My move to California has been an eye-opening experience for me. Even when I moved to Phoenix at the age of 18, I don’t think it was as challenging as moving to California was, and I wonder if people realize how difficult it was for me (the beauty of social media, I suppose, it just shows the highlight reel.)

I tend to be rather critical of myself and wonder if I’ll ever be a “real” writer or if I have the passion for it that I see in others (that I don’t see in myself,) but despite my fears, I moved, even though up until about a week before the move, it seemed impossible. I knew I needed to be here.

And it is so interesting, because, I would come to WeHo for my birthday, it is at the end of August, so my friends and I would call it our LAbor Day trip. I would walk along Santa Monica Blvd and I spoke into existence that I would live here someday, and now I do. It is surreal to think that I live not just in the town, but the very neighborhood I would stay in on vacation. I live between the two hotels I’d stay in. It really goes to show the power of the mind. When I think of that, it reminds me to keep positive thoughts, as it takes time, especially in this industry, to get in the door.

And I have a great roommate, my first LA roommate was legitimately mentally unwell, and I have great friends. I know I’m not the most… open person in the world, but I like to think that I show people I care, in my own little ways, and I hope they know I do. Sometimes I envy people who can be open and honest about how they feel. I’m only able to do so in writing, and even then, I’m still reserved.

This one time, a dear WeHo friend told me this story, I don’t remember the exact details, besides it isn’t my story to tell, but it was something along the lines of seeing someone in the bar that triggered old, bad memories, and he started to cry and it made me sad and that sadness turned to anger towards that person who caused this pain to my friend. And since then, I’ve felt this need to look after and protect him, though he doesn’t need my protection. I think it stems from my desire to have an older brother. I always wanted to be a sidekick or righthand man or something. He’s opened up to me and in my own small ways, I’ve done the same.

Living in West Hollywood has really made me confront some things about myself I’d like to change, such as being so reserved and distant, and my thinking in general. I tend to go more towards the negative thoughts, but I’ve been reading self-help books and whatnot and am realizing that happiness is a choice and it isn’t a matter of thinking I’ll be happy when I have X or I’ll be happy when Y happens, it is a matter of being happy and grateful now, and if I’m not happy now, I won’t be when I have X or when Y happens, because there will just be a new X and Y to achieve.

I’ve also had to confront a laziness I developed. Living in Phoenix was very easy. I didn’t have to do much and I lived a comfortable life, but here in West Hollywood, if I want to achieve my goal of being a screenwriter, I have to break out of my comfort zone and but in a lot more effort than was required of me to get what I wanted in Phoenix. Though it has been hard, I have accepted the challenge. One of the biggest challenges has been not operating out of fear. As I said before, I’m extremely critical of myself, I have a nagging fear of not being good enough in, well, every aspect of my life, and it is holding me back. It goes back to the whole breaking out of the comfort zone thing, so that is my goal for this third year in West Hollywood, not to operate out of fear, as there have been times when I’ve been fearless, such as my move to Los Angeles, and so far, despite the ups and downs, it has been working in my favor.

The Broken Hearts Club

I find it interesting how certain things or people can come into your life with perfect timing. The other night I was randomly re-watching Queer as Folk. That show meant (and still means) so much to me. It helped me on my journey towards coming out. It was 2006 and I’d just turned 18 when I was introduced to the show by my college roommate. He was gay, and I got to ask him a lot of questions I hadn’t been able to ask before. Anyway, the show is comforting to me, but also reminds me of how I thought life would be once I came out versus how it actually was.

That same night, I watched the first episode of Santa Clarita Diet, which I really enjoyed, with a friend, and seeing Timothy Olyphant, made him think of The Broken Hearts Club, so we watched that after, as I’ve never watched it before. Sidenote, I find Timothy much more attractive now than then, not that he wasn’t attractive back then, but he’s grown finer with age.

I think I’d heard of the movie before, I just never got around to watching it. Even before I was 18 and on my own, I tried to get my hands on LGBT film and TV, I suppose in a way to seek comfort or reassurance that it was normal and everything would be ok. Around 20, right around the time I came out, this kicked into overdrive. I’d search Wikipedia and IMDB for gay films and find them and watch them. Side note, Latter Days still makes me cry because the end was finally the moment when I realized I was gay and it was ok.

It took a little bit for me to get into the film, as it is dated, to say the least, but I became intrigued when it was brought to my attention that they live in West Hollywood. For those who don’t know, so do I (two years in May), and it was interesting to see what it looked like back in 2000 (well, I imagine the film was filmed in 1999.)

A part of me wishes I had been an adult in the 90s. My friend was in his early twenties when the film came out, he saw it in theaters. He’s a wealth of random information, which proved useful as he was able to tell me where things were shot and what they were referring to if they referenced a certain movie or store. I think me wanting to be an adult (or maybe teen) in the 90s is a grass is greener on the other side situation. I mean, would I have had more fun, as I tell myself, would living in a different time somehow make me a different person?

Thanks to Queer as Folk, I longed for a core group of gay friends for a very long time, even before that, I’d longed to belong to a core group. It never really worked out for me. I was able to move in and out of friend groups, some that couldn’t stand others, but didn’t belong to one solely. I realize as I’m the common denominator in these equations, it must be me, but I never really figured it out and no one has brought it to my attention. I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in, and perhaps I manifested it through that thinking. Nonetheless, I thought I’d come out, find three gay friends and we would do everything together… and it didn’t quite work out that way.

The Broken Hearts Club reminded me of how I felt when I first started watching Queer as Folk. I related the most to Kevin, though I’ve been out almost 10 years now, I still find myself learning and trying to navigate the gay world. I relate to his naivety in falling for someone because of a hook up (which may explain why I avoid them.)

It’s fascinating, and I talked about this in the G.B.F post, but a lot of gay men come out and go through a hookup phase. Like Dennis says in the film, he is 28 and wasn’t able to be gay for 25 years, so he had time to make up for. I never had that phase, and I often wonder if that is something to be thankful for or to regret.

I think a problem with being a writer is I always have these grand ideas, as my imagination tends to run wild, and real life tends to pale in comparison. It’s odd, Queer as Folk and The Broken Hearts Club bot have a bittersweet effect on me. They comfort me, as I see it is possible to develop meaningful relationships with other gay men (not to say I haven’t done so, as I do have some close gay male friends), but I also feel in some way that I have and am wasting my youth.

One of my favorite films is Nowhere, it is this 90s film that is really hard to explain, I’ll have to re-watch it and write a post about it. Rachel True, whom I LOVE, is in the film, and she is dating a guy, but they are both bi and have an open relationship, though he wishes to be monogamous. She essentially tells him that our bodies are for connecting with other people and she wants to do that now before she is old and no one wants her anymore. That always stuck with me, though I’ve done very little to implement that philosophy into my own life.

Back in my early gay Phoenix years, my friends would joke about me being asexual, and I think that has come up here in West Hollywood too. And, in all honesty, sex scares me for a number of reasons. I’m afraid to catch something, I’m afraid I’ll be terrible due to lack of experience, I’m afraid of expecting more or growing attached, and I’m afraid of intimacy. A lot of people can have casual sex, but I’m not one of those people.

This one time, years ago, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was hanging with some friends. One, in particular, was always flirting, and there were drinks involved and I sought solace. It started innocently enough, just touching and being close, nothing sexual, as we were in the living room and other people were around. Then it got late and it was time for bed and I went in his room with him and cuddling lead to kissing and that led to close coming off, but when it came time to, well, do it, I was so scared for some reason, I was literally trembling. I wasn’t afraid of him, I’d known him a while and found him very attractive, and he hadn’t pressured me or forced me into anything. I was just scared (and he was a gentleman about it and we just cuddled the rest of the night, which was nice.)

One may think, one doesn’t have to have casual sex, one can go on dates and whatnot, well I don’t do that either. And I just keep thinking of Rachel’s character in Nowhere and wondering if I am wasting my youth. I’m not blaming it on anyone other than myself, I don’t put myself out there or flirt or ask anyone out or any of that stuff because that also scares me. A have a lot of fear hindering my life, perhaps why I sense I’ll regret my wasted youth.

Queer as Folk made me think I’d come out and get all this attention but that was not the case (though I did get some attention.) And for some reason, despite it not happening in Phoenix, I thought it would happen here in West Hollywood upon moving here, and again, not the case (though I did get some attention.) That being said, I feel we all mature at our own pace, some slower than others. I feel that I am finally starting to learn who I am as a person. Focusing more on writing these days has also helped me to focus more on what I like about myself, what I’d like to improve upon, and what issues and insecurities I need to work through to become the best me.

This one ended up being more about me than the film, which I suppose is ok. I’ve rambled on long enough. Part of me wishes I’d watched it sooner. I wish I’d been more comfortable with being gay sooner, and in some ways, I’m not sure if I’m completely comfortable with it yet, but that’s another post for another day.

Feeling Good

This is going to be short and sweet, as I have shit to do today.

I’m typically not the type to make New Year’s resolutions. I don’t have anything against them, per se, just not my thing. One doesn’t need a new year to become a new person. That being said, the new me transformation seems to be happening around the new year.

I can’t explain how or why I feel differently now than I did before, but I do. I feel inspiration and I feel like I’m tired of letting fear control my life. February 12th marks my two year anniversary living in Los Angeles, and I’ve done very little writing. Writing is the whole reason I moved here. My fear of not being good enough has kept me from putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard… at least to write a script). Plenty of ideas have been in my head and I’ve jotted them down and started to flesh them out.

Though I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, my mom always used to say whatever you are doing at midnight on New Year’s is how you’ll spend a majority of your year. I’ve always believed that, for some reason. As a teen, I’d get out my pen and paper, turn on Buffy’s “This Year’s Girl,” and go into the new year writing.

Last year, I wanted to be have more of a social life here in West Hollywood, so I opted to go to a New Year’s party, despite only knowing one person there, and it’s safe to say I spent a lot more time going out and being social this year than I did last year.

I’ve decided to make a commitment to myself this year. Writing is going to be my focus this year, as if I don’t write, I’ll never be good enough, because I’ll never have the practice. Going out is fun and all, but I need to do it in moderation, as it never truly makes me happy, it feels empty and hollow. I desire friendships that consist of more than just going out and drinking. I’d love to find some fellow creatives.

So, this is already longer than I intended, last night I bought myself a planner so I can organize my time. It is very important to do that now that I have two jobs. I need to schedule time to write, and I will. This year is going to be about getting shit done and no longer procrastinating.

The first time, today is laundry. I woke up at 8am, despite not having to work, and put my comforter in the washer, so I can’t just lay back in bed and go back to sleep. I have some cleaning and re-organizing to do today and then a bit of grocery shopping.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life, for me…

And I’m feeling good.