Queer As Folk S2: Ep. 8

So, I’ve been rewatching the series and will likely write a review of sorts of each season, but I wanted to focus this piece on this particular episode, and a particular moment in this episode which explains why I hate Justin.

From the beginning, Justin was my least favorite character. I found him immature, naive and quite the stalker, he was like the Dawn (from Buffy) of this series, I personally couldn’t find any redeeming qualities. To his credit, I did like that he was like an encyclopedia, which allowed the writers to add pertinent information, like statistics to support the argument of another character, through him, though there was never much discussion, if any, as to how he learned or retained all this information. That aspect of him reminds me of someone I know. He can tell you about just about anything and I enjoy listening to him tell me these random facts he just retains.

In this episode, Justin is convinced he needs to meet people his own age, so he goes to this party and ends up sleeping with this guy who is a virgin. Justin and Brian have rules for their relationship, one of which being that they can not kiss people on the mouth. However, feeling guilty when the guy (I don’t remember if he was even given a name) tries to kiss him after they sleep together, he gives in and kisses him.

The next day, Brian kisses Justin and tells he kissed someone else, so now Justin feels guilty. The guy comes to the diner to find Justin and tells him they have a connection and he loves Justin and Justin tells him never to come back there and that he is acting like a pathetic little fairy.

The main reason I hate this scene is that he is such a hypocrite. The only reason he and Brian are together is he wore him down and was persistent. He clearly fell in love with Brian after Brian took his virginity, so it seems illogical for him to not understand it could happen if he takes someone’s virginity (as it happened in S1 with Daphne.) It also felt a little out of character. Justin could be moody and emotional, but he was rarely mean without reason. I assume he does this so the guy doesn’t pursue him like he pursued Brian, but I think it was ultimately because he felt guilty about breaking his rules with Brian and was taking his anger out on the guy.

I know it is just a tv show, but it made me so angry and sad for him, as you never see him again. I wanted the character to come back later and be some sort of antagonist or something. Justin could have taken him in as a friend, as Brian’s friends took him in the year before. Part of me also wonders if Justin saw himself in that guy and didn’t want the competition or it was his chance to lash out at himself over his behavior to finally get Brian to like him back.

I guess I felt so bad for that guy because I relate to him a lot. He didn’t want to sleep with a lot of guys, he was just looking for someone special, and he thought he’d found that in Justin (I’m assuming him being a virgin didn’t help, though I never developed feelings for the guy who took my virginity), and he was wrong. I get wanting to make more of something than it is and maybe developing feelings for someone faster than you should, which is part of why I keep my distance, emotionally, from people.

At this point, his story was more interesting to me than Justin’s. I wanted to know what happened to him after he was told never to come back. They live in a small town. Did he finally end up going out (as he seemed like he was still in the closet), did he become a heartbreaker?

I think I would have felt differently if the guy hadn’t been a virgin, as Justin took Daphne’s virginity and she got emotionally attached to him after, even after they said things wouldn’t get weird, so he really should have known better than to sleep with another virgin. And to outright banish the kid from the diner too. It was just overall shitty and it pushed me from disliking Justin to hating him.

The Broken Hearts Club

I find it interesting how certain things or people can come into your life with perfect timing. The other night I was randomly re-watching Queer as Folk. That show meant (and still means) so much to me. It helped me on my journey towards coming out. It was 2006 and I’d just turned 18 when I was introduced to the show by my college roommate. He was gay, and I got to ask him a lot of questions I hadn’t been able to ask before. Anyway, the show is comforting to me, but also reminds me of how I thought life would be once I came out versus how it actually was.

That same night, I watched the first episode of Santa Clarita Diet, which I really enjoyed, with a friend, and seeing Timothy Olyphant, made him think of The Broken Hearts Club, so we watched that after, as I’ve never watched it before. Sidenote, I find Timothy much more attractive now than then, not that he wasn’t attractive back then, but he’s grown finer with age.

I think I’d heard of the movie before, I just never got around to watching it. Even before I was 18 and on my own, I tried to get my hands on LGBT film and TV, I suppose in a way to seek comfort or reassurance that it was normal and everything would be ok. Around 20, right around the time I came out, this kicked into overdrive. I’d search Wikipedia and IMDB for gay films and find them and watch them. Side note, Latter Days still makes me cry because the end was finally the moment when I realized I was gay and it was ok.

It took a little bit for me to get into the film, as it is dated, to say the least, but I became intrigued when it was brought to my attention that they live in West Hollywood. For those who don’t know, so do I (two years in May), and it was interesting to see what it looked like back in 2000 (well, I imagine the film was filmed in 1999.)

A part of me wishes I had been an adult in the 90s. My friend was in his early twenties when the film came out, he saw it in theaters. He’s a wealth of random information, which proved useful as he was able to tell me where things were shot and what they were referring to if they referenced a certain movie or store. I think me wanting to be an adult (or maybe teen) in the 90s is a grass is greener on the other side situation. I mean, would I have had more fun, as I tell myself, would living in a different time somehow make me a different person?

Thanks to Queer as Folk, I longed for a core group of gay friends for a very long time, even before that, I’d longed to belong to a core group. It never really worked out for me. I was able to move in and out of friend groups, some that couldn’t stand others, but didn’t belong to one solely. I realize as I’m the common denominator in these equations, it must be me, but I never really figured it out and no one has brought it to my attention. I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in, and perhaps I manifested it through that thinking. Nonetheless, I thought I’d come out, find three gay friends and we would do everything together… and it didn’t quite work out that way.

The Broken Hearts Club reminded me of how I felt when I first started watching Queer as Folk. I related the most to Kevin, though I’ve been out almost 10 years now, I still find myself learning and trying to navigate the gay world. I relate to his naivety in falling for someone because of a hook up (which may explain why I avoid them.)

It’s fascinating, and I talked about this in the G.B.F post, but a lot of gay men come out and go through a hookup phase. Like Dennis says in the film, he is 28 and wasn’t able to be gay for 25 years, so he had time to make up for. I never had that phase, and I often wonder if that is something to be thankful for or to regret.

I think a problem with being a writer is I always have these grand ideas, as my imagination tends to run wild, and real life tends to pale in comparison. It’s odd, Queer as Folk and The Broken Hearts Club bot have a bittersweet effect on me. They comfort me, as I see it is possible to develop meaningful relationships with other gay men (not to say I haven’t done so, as I do have some close gay male friends), but I also feel in some way that I have and am wasting my youth.

One of my favorite films is Nowhere, it is this 90s film that is really hard to explain, I’ll have to re-watch it and write a post about it. Rachel True, whom I LOVE, is in the film, and she is dating a guy, but they are both bi and have an open relationship, though he wishes to be monogamous. She essentially tells him that our bodies are for connecting with other people and she wants to do that now before she is old and no one wants her anymore. That always stuck with me, though I’ve done very little to implement that philosophy into my own life.

Back in my early gay Phoenix years, my friends would joke about me being asexual, and I think that has come up here in West Hollywood too. And, in all honesty, sex scares me for a number of reasons. I’m afraid to catch something, I’m afraid I’ll be terrible due to lack of experience, I’m afraid of expecting more or growing attached, and I’m afraid of intimacy. A lot of people can have casual sex, but I’m not one of those people.

This one time, years ago, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was hanging with some friends. One, in particular, was always flirting, and there were drinks involved and I sought solace. It started innocently enough, just touching and being close, nothing sexual, as we were in the living room and other people were around. Then it got late and it was time for bed and I went in his room with him and cuddling lead to kissing and that led to close coming off, but when it came time to, well, do it, I was so scared for some reason, I was literally trembling. I wasn’t afraid of him, I’d known him a while and found him very attractive, and he hadn’t pressured me or forced me into anything. I was just scared (and he was a gentleman about it and we just cuddled the rest of the night, which was nice.)

One may think, one doesn’t have to have casual sex, one can go on dates and whatnot, well I don’t do that either. And I just keep thinking of Rachel’s character in Nowhere and wondering if I am wasting my youth. I’m not blaming it on anyone other than myself, I don’t put myself out there or flirt or ask anyone out or any of that stuff because that also scares me. A have a lot of fear hindering my life, perhaps why I sense I’ll regret my wasted youth.

Queer as Folk made me think I’d come out and get all this attention but that was not the case (though I did get some attention.) And for some reason, despite it not happening in Phoenix, I thought it would happen here in West Hollywood upon moving here, and again, not the case (though I did get some attention.) That being said, I feel we all mature at our own pace, some slower than others. I feel that I am finally starting to learn who I am as a person. Focusing more on writing these days has also helped me to focus more on what I like about myself, what I’d like to improve upon, and what issues and insecurities I need to work through to become the best me.

This one ended up being more about me than the film, which I suppose is ok. I’ve rambled on long enough. Part of me wishes I’d watched it sooner. I wish I’d been more comfortable with being gay sooner, and in some ways, I’m not sure if I’m completely comfortable with it yet, but that’s another post for another day.

G.B.F

The first time I heard of G.B.F, there was a lot of controversy over the rating. I’m not completely familiar with what takes a film from a PG-13 rating to an R, but many people, at least the people of Tumblr, felt it was given an R rating because its content was gay. If I remember correctly, you can only say “fuck” once in a PG-13 film, and I don’t believe that is ever said in the film, not that the use of that word is the only criteria.

Nonetheless, I stumbled upon the film later one summer Netflix binge day and I fell in love. Around that time, I was really into teen dramas, such as Awkward. That show made me realize I wish I’d had that high school experience, where you have a first love and date and what not. I think many gay people around my age can relate. I also really enjoyed this idealistic teenage life of living in a beautiful house in sunny California, going shopping with friends on the weekends and having not a care in the world.

What I love about G.B.F is even five years later, it is still fresh and unlike anything I’ve seen before or after. I’m also a sucker for witty dialogue and I love the use of color throughout the film. Not to mention, it is a really cute coming out story that I think can resonate with a lot of young people.

One thing I really liked about the film was how it played with the expectation of Tanner and Brent getting together. I personally wanted them too, I think they had great chemistry, and maybe I’ve watched one too many teen drama where the best friends end up together. I understood the confusion that can come with gay friendships.

I read somewhere that a lot of gay men spend their twenties catching up on things straight people learned in their late teens (romantically and sexually), I don’t think I ever got to that catch up point or I feel I may be just about to enter it (and I’ll be thirty in five months and two days, not that anyone’s counting.) I’m still in a stage where I’m fine holding hands, kissing and/or cuddling (and would honestly prefer that to any attempt at a sexual encounter), so teen movies like this are sweet because it’s what I want right now.

My favorite part of the film is when there is a slo-mo walk down a hall after Tanner gets his gay makeover. “Anything Can Happen” by Ellie Goulding is playing, and that song makes me so very happy. This one time, back when I lived in South Phoenix, my roommate was gone and I was in the house by myself and I was deeply sad about something, I can’t even remember what, I just remember having a drink and dancing around the house blasting that song on repeat. It’s so funny how music can change your spirit. Then I saw this film and now when I hear the song I think of that scene and I think of that night when I danced my blues away.

If you haven’t watched it, you should. It is a little cheesy at times, but all around delightful, witty and funny.

Call Me By Your Name

Let’s just get right to it, I was quite confused about this film up until maybe the last half (or last third.) Perhaps confused isn’t the right word… I thought the story would go a bit differently. However, when Elio and Oliver finally get together and have a conversation about the summer long seduction, it cleared the air, a bit, for me.

Up until that point, it appeared, at least to me, to be more teasing and lustful and romantic, which ruined the idea I had in regards to the plot of the film. I will admit, I did like that the film didn’t resort to explicit sex scenes, as gay films tend to do. I really enjoyed the sensuality of the scenes with Elio and Oliver, especially when they were alone and could touch and kiss. There was a passion there.

I suppose some of the problems I had with the film come from me living in 2018 and this taking place in 1983. It seemed odd that they couldn’t express their attraction to each other. I’m still a little confused as why they weren’t more open about it in the confined of Elio’s home, as his parents had gay friends and were open minded and accepting after the fact (so it wasn’t even like the age difference was a big thing.)

The speech the dad gives Elio really hit me in the feels. I know I can relate to wanting to feel nothing for fear of risking being vulnerable and being hurt, which kinda defeats the purpose of living and seems a waste of the human experience. It goes back to the Shadow Self. One side of me longs for connection, openness and vulnerability and the other side of me enjoys the keeping people at a distance and keeping my emotions deep down inside.

Watching the film made me think of, well, I don’t want to say my first love, as I’ve never been in love, and not even my first experience with a man, but I think it was my first time feeling genuine romantic feelings for someone. It was 2010, I believe, and I, like I imagine countless others, had made gay friends online. A few I chatted with expressed interest, but they lived so far away, I never entertained the thought (maybe some other time I’ll tell the story of a British guy I would chat with.)

However, fate had it this guy would come to Phoenix, and he was going to be in town a few days and wanted to meet up. I figured why not, as we’d chatted for quite some time. My friends and I went out to the bar that night and he met us there. He almost didn’t, as he was having trouble finding the place.

We danced and drank and I introduced him to my friends. One of the things I liked most about him was his assertiveness. Which is still something that attracts me to a guy. I also liked how his attention was devoted to me. I remember us standing with my friends and him holding my hand, but unless you were paying close attention, you wouldn’t realize we were holding hands. Sweet little things like that.

We danced, and I think I remember him being a really good dancer. He kept trying to kiss me on the dance floor, and I would maneuver away. It’s not that I didn’t want to kiss him, I was just really nervous. Eventually, with all my maneuvering, I’d backed myself into a corner and had nowhere else to go, and he kissed me, and I really liked it.

Though I came with friends to the bar that night, I went home with him. On the drive, we held hands (I don’t think I’ve held hands with a guy while he drove since, and I’d really like that again) and at the red lights we’d have a little make out session. He ended up staying a few days longer than intended, and I brought him around my friends more and, I felt really happy and really in like, but it was something I knew wouldn’t last, as we only had a few days together.

I think the last night he was in town, we were laying in bed together, I think we’d watched some movie or another, and I suddenly turned away from him. I got really upset because I knew it was almost over, and my response to emotions is to shut down. He could tell something was wrong and reassured me that just because he was leaving didn’t mean it would be the end (which wasn’t true, but it neither here nor there.)

I called him a few days after he left. The day he left I was sad and moped in my room. I could tell our moment had passed. He casually brought up another guy and I kinda left it at that (I’m not one to compete for someone’s attention.) Oddly enough, I end up accepting an invitation to go on a date shortly thereafter, and that rebound turned into my first (or two, so far) boyfriends… but that’s a story for another time.

The call Elio and Oliver have at the end of the film reminded me of the conversation I had with that guy, to an extent. Oliver, in my opinion, was Elio’s first love. If I had to pick, of the men of romances past, I would say this guy was my first love… but maybe I haven’t encountered him yet? Who knows. Anyway, this ended up being a bit more of a trip down memory lane than about the film, but so be it.

Looking

So, I’m realizing these are less reviews and more how these shows/films/video games/books made me feel, and I’m just going to stick with it.

A friend and I watched Looking back when it first aired. We’d meet up once a week at his place, watch the episode and then discuss. I LOVED the first season. The series really spoke to me for a few reasons. First, the series that really helped me on my journey to coming out was Queer As Folk (US), and I’ll likely re-watch it in the near future and write something about it. Looking reminded me a lot of QAF and made me feel how I felt when I watched QAF (more on that in a bit.) Second, I had set my plan to move to Los Angeles, and seeing gays living in a big city in California resonated with me.

The second season, I still loved the show, but I was really upset with the characters, especially Patrick. Patrick is the one I identify with the most, though I feel far removed from any of the characters, also Jonathan Groff is adorably hot (which I feel is a rare find, being adorable and hot at the same time.) With QAF, I identified most with Michael, and he is the Michael, in my opinion, of the series. I loved him and Richie, and I hated him and Kevin.

Going through the series a second time, I feel a bit differently. I still love Patrick/Richie and hate Patrick/Kevin, but I could understand Patrick’s decisions a bit more. I don’t know if having been in Los Angeles almost two years (officially two years in 16 days… how crazy) made me think differently about things (or how it would.) I finally watched the film too. I just finished watching it, and it moved me so much.

When I would critique the series, up to about yesterday, actually, I would say the thing that bugged me about the characters was they were making mistakes I felt people in their early 20s would make, not people in their late 20s and 30s. Yet, I feel completely different about it now. The mistakes they were making were relationship mistakes, and those have no age limit. Though I think Patrick shouldn’t have been a homewrecker.

I remember being more critical of the show when it first aired, and I think my friend still has this opinion, because it shows a very promiscuous and drug-friendly side of the community that I couldn’t relate to, though I was happy it had more diversity than I saw in QAF. However, I started watching before I took my LGBTV (LGBT Television) course and learned that minorities tend to be more critical (and if I’m anything, I’m critical) of portrayals they see in media, as there is less representation. Example: You can see a junkie who is white in a show/film, and that can be the only junkie, and most people will not have a problem. However, if you have one black character in a show/film and they are a junkie, that is problematic.

So, I have less issue with the sex and the drugs than I did before, because though that is not my experience, I know that is the experience of gay men out there. If you don’t believe me, by all means hit up The Chapel on a Sunday night, the dance floor is like a mini circuit party.

The movie makes me wish I’d done more to support the show so it would have continued. I don’t know what I could have done, maybe watched it more, posted more about it, I could have written this two, three years ago?

My friend felt all the characters, except Richie and Doris, were terrible people. I agree less now. I think now that they were just navigating through life, and it isn’t always going to be right or even remotely perfect.

Now onto how it made me feel. I remember the first time I watched Latter Days, I was 20 and somehow stumbled upon it in my quest to find more gay cinema. I cried like a baby at the end. It was a touching moment, but for me, it was the moment when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, and I finally admitted to myself that one day I wanted to be in love. Watching shows like QAF and Looking remind me of that.

The end of the film made me so happy (I won’t spoil it, in case you, like me, didn’t watch it when it originally came out,) and it reminded me of that longing I have. I’m aware I stand in my own way though (when you want to be a writer, you kind of have to be self-aware). I keep people at a distant, and those who get too close I push away, so I still have some learning and growing to do, work out my inner demons and childhood traumas and such.

I feel like a cliché sometimes. It’s crazy, because even before I was out or would admit to myself that I was gay, I’d have this fantasy, and it would recur all the time. I lived in this apartment that had a front porch and a guy would walk me to my door after some date (the fantasy never included the actual date) and he’d kiss me goodnight. I was 18, and I’m 29 now (I’ll be 30 in seven months) and it has yet to happen… and now I don’t even have a damn front porch…

I feel like an anomaly among my gay friends. I don’t hook up. The last (official) date I can remember being on happened back in… 2013 or 2014… I think? Which is why I don’t relate to the characters in many gay films/shows (not that I’m actively seeking to change any of this.) I’ve been told many times throughout my life that I’m an old soul. From a young age, even before I knew I was gay, I knew what I wanted.

I don’t just want a boyfriend, I want a boyfriend that will become a husband. I want monogamy, the house, the kids, the whole nine yards, just that hetreonormative life, I suppose, and maybe I shouldn’t want it, but I do. I don’t judge anyone living differently, and I’m not saving myself for marriage or anything. I just, I don’t know, I find sex to be very intimate, so I’m not good at trying to do it casually, and part of me, which some may find very stupid, is saving myself for a relationship. I obviously can’t expect a future boyfriend/partner to do the same for me, but I find something about it to be rather romantic on my part.

I’m aware of the whole love yourself before you love somebody else thing, and I’m still working on the first part, so I’m in no rush to find someone or for someone to find me. But scenes in the show and the film pulled at my heartstrings. I couldn’t help but think, oh, that would be nice when I’d see the flirting, the hand holding, the relationship in bloom. So. Freaking. Charming.

This was definitely a series that was gone way before its time.