Let’s just get right to it, I was quite confused about this film up until maybe the last half (or last third.) Perhaps confused isn’t the right word… I thought the story would go a bit differently. However, when Elio and Oliver finally get together and have a conversation about the summer long seduction, it cleared the air, a bit, for me.

Up until that point, it appeared, at least to me, to be more teasing and lustful and romantic, which ruined the idea I had in regards to the plot of the film. I will admit, I did like that the film didn’t resort to explicit sex scenes, as gay films tend to do. I really enjoyed the sensuality of the scenes with Elio and Oliver, especially when they were alone and could touch and kiss. There was a passion there.

I suppose some of the problems I had with the film come from me living in 2018 and this taking place in 1983. It seemed odd that they couldn’t express their attraction to each other. I’m still a little confused as why they weren’t more open about it in the confined of Elio’s home, as his parents had gay friends and were open minded and accepting after the fact (so it wasn’t even like the age difference was a big thing.)

The speech the dad gives Elio really hit me in the feels. I know I can relate to wanting to feel nothing for fear of risking being vulnerable and being hurt, which kinda defeats the purpose of living and seems a waste of the human experience. It goes back to the Shadow Self. One side of me longs for connection, openness and vulnerability and the other side of me enjoys the keeping people at a distance and keeping my emotions deep down inside.

Watching the film made me think of, well, I don’t want to say my first love, as I’ve never been in love, and not even my first experience with a man, but I think it was my first time feeling genuine romantic feelings for someone. It was 2010, I believe, and I, like I imagine countless others, had made gay friends online. A few I chatted with expressed interest, but they lived so far away, I never entertained the thought (maybe some other time I’ll tell the story of a British guy I would chat with.)

However, fate had it this guy would come to Phoenix, and he was going to be in town a few days and wanted to meet up. I figured why not, as we’d chatted for quite some time. My friends and I went out to the bar that night and he met us there. He almost didn’t, as he was having trouble finding the place.

We danced and drank and I introduced him to my friends. One of the things I liked most about him was his assertiveness. Which is still something that attracts me to a guy. I also liked how his attention was devoted to me. I remember us standing with my friends and him holding my hand, but unless you were paying close attention, you wouldn’t realize we were holding hands. Sweet little things like that.

We danced, and I think I remember him being a really good dancer. He kept trying to kiss me on the dance floor, and I would maneuver away. It’s not that I didn’t want to kiss him, I was just really nervous. Eventually, with all my maneuvering, I’d backed myself into a corner and had nowhere else to go, and he kissed me, and I really liked it.

Though I came with friends to the bar that night, I went home with him. On the drive, we held hands (I don’t think I’ve held hands with a guy while he drove since, and I’d really like that again) and at the red lights we’d have a little make out session. He ended up staying a few days longer than intended, and I brought him around my friends more and, I felt really happy and really in like, but it was something I knew wouldn’t last, as we only had a few days together.

I think the last night he was in town, we were laying in bed together, I think we’d watched some movie or another, and I suddenly turned away from him. I got really upset because I knew it was almost over, and my response to emotions is to shut down. He could tell something was wrong and reassured me that just because he was leaving didn’t mean it would be the end (which wasn’t true, but it neither here nor there.)

I called him a few days after he left. The day he left I was sad and moped in my room. I could tell our moment had passed. He casually brought up another guy and I kinda left it at that (I’m not one to compete for someone’s attention.) Oddly enough, I end up accepting an invitation to go on a date shortly thereafter, and that rebound turned into my first (or two, so far) boyfriends… but that’s a story for another time.

The call Elio and Oliver have at the end of the film reminded me of the conversation I had with that guy, to an extent. Oliver, in my opinion, was Elio’s first love. If I had to pick, of the men of romances past, I would say this guy was my first love… but maybe I haven’t encountered him yet? Who knows. Anyway, this ended up being a bit more of a trip down memory lane than about the film, but so be it.