I just finished S5 Ep10, which is the bomb episode, for those who don’t remember. I figured I’d take a moment to stop and reflect as it’s an intense episode, and I remember, more or less, what happens in the last three episodes.

It is fascinating to watch this show now that I am the age the characters were at the start of the show. When I first watched the show, I was 18, which was almost 12 years ago, and the show ended a year before that. I’ve done some living and learned about the world since then.

The bomb episode is bittersweet. Though the show dabbles with death before this episode, this was the first time you see something of that scale. Long story short, there is a benefit to raise money to stop Proposition 14, which will ban same-sex marriage, and said benefit takes place at Babylon. While Cyndi Lauper is performing (I just learned the song has a Babylon Remix which was used for the show) a bomb goes off. The first time I watched it (and even in re-watches before this) things like Pulse hadn’t happened yet, so I had a different perspective this time.

The sweet comes with Justin and Brian. I think I may have to retract my statement that I hate Justin the most. In season five, he was easily my favorite character, as he had such maturity. Anyway, I still remember the first time I watched the scene where Brian finally tells Justin he loves him. I still get emotional when I watch it because it meant so much to me to see.

Brian is supposed to be leaving for Australia, but he learns of the bombing (of his club) on his way to the airport and turns back around. He is so afraid that something has happened to Justin. He’s always loved Justin and cared for him, in his own way, without expressing it using those words. He finds Justin and they embrace, all covered in smoke, and he finally says “I love you,” and the look on Justin’s face. He grabs onto Brian as if he can’t believe it is real.

I first saw the scene shortly after being introduced to the show by my roommate at the time. I was watching clips of the show on Youtube (as one would do when one couldn’t afford the boxsets and streaming services weren’t a big thing in 2006) and stumbled across one with a title along the lines of “Brian finally says ‘I love you’ to Justin.” I don’t think I knew the context of how it came about, as I’d only watched clips here and there. I don’t think it was until 19 or 20 that I watched the show in order.

It was such a great feeling, even know, for Justin to hear those words he had been waiting so long to hear. Even though I tend to enjoy bitter ends when it comes to gay media, I really cared for their relationship and wanted the best for them (despite thinking Ethan and Justin seemed more suited for each other.)

I may or may not write one final post about the overall season (which will discuss how I hated Hunter this season. He was the Dawn of the show,) or maybe I’ll just start writing when I move on to a new show. I have kinda enjoyed these “reviews” if you will. Perhaps next will be Buffy.

This may be part one, as I’m only halfway through season 4, so I’ll try to make this short and sweet. I have to eat my words in regards to Justin, I completely forgot that I quite enjoyed him this season. Though Justin bothered me a lot as a character in the first half of the series, and even though I felt Ethan and Justin were more compatible, I really enjoy Brian and Justin together.

Despite Brian being over ten years Justin’s senior, Justin is clearly the more mature one, especially when it comes to expressing emotions. Once upon a time, I had a friend who told me I was like Brian. We definitely share methods of communication and emotional expression, which is quite little. Though I relate to the way he interacts with people, I was never a big fan of his until the final two seasons. I loved when he went through cancer because he had a vulnerability we hadn’t really seen before.

There are two scenes that really hit me in regards to this two. The first is when Justin doesn’t know about Brian’s cancer. In typical Brian fashion, he pretends he is going on an impulse vacation. When Justin confronts him about not being invited, Brian yells at him, and walks away, partly in pain from being sick, but also because he is hurting Justin in hopes of driving him away. He walks back and Justin tells him if he did or said something to upset him, he didn’t mean to (as Brian has been pushing him away for at least a few days at this point.) It was really touching.

The other is after Brian kicks Justin out (upon discovering Justin knows of his cancer.) Justin comes back to fight for his relationship. This time he yells at Brian, telling him he has been a piece of shit for not telling him and for thinking he would leave. I found that touching too.

I think it was this season when I really started to relate to Brian. I have a tendency to push people away too. The closer someone tries to get, the harder I push. Also, like Brian, I have my idea of what it means to be perfect, and I don’t like to stray from it.

Also, I want to touch on the death of Uncle Vic. It is interesting to watch something years later and have it affect you differently. I watched the episode where Uncle Vic dies on Tuesday, the day after the second anniversary of my mother’s death, and it hit me harder than expected. I related so much to Debbie, as she had concerns of how her brother felt about her, as he died after a fight. My mother and I didn’t have a fight before she passed away, but I also thought later in life we would reconnect and life didn’t work that way for me. Sometimes it makes me sad if I think about that too much.

Nothing else really stood out to me so far, other than I hated that Michael told Brian he and Justin knew about the cancer, despite him telling Justin they couldn’t say anything. Though he said it was an accident, I feel he purposefully did it so Justin couldn’t say something first.

I finished Season 3 without even realizing it. I think my post about Ethan and Justin said a majority of my thoughts on Season 3, so this should be short and sweet. Though I like Brian and Justin together, I still think Ethan was better with Justin, but that had to do something to get them to break up so it could be Brian and Justin again.

I forgot about Hunter coming into the picture (and I believe it is Season 4 when he just pops up with all new teeth and it isn’t commented on.) At first, I hated Hunter, though not as much as Justin. I hated how he treated Ben and Michael, despite the fact that they were trying desperately to help him. Also, something that comes up in season 4, but Hunter is apparently straight, which doesn’t make sense, as he actively pursued Brian in Season 3, even offering to pay Brian to sleep with him rather than having Brian pay like a typical client, so it seemed weird to make him straight, maybe bi.

The main thing I hadn’t talked about was Emmett and Ted. I really enjoyed their relationship, and though I really enjoyed the Blake and Ted story about addiction and crystal use, the Emmett and Ted story was more fleshed out. Of all the things that happen to the characters that felt out of, well, character, for the characters, Ted becoming a crystal queen made sense.

When he had an argument with Emmett about how he uses crystal because he doesn’t want to be himself anymore, it reminded me of Willow’s talk with Buffy when she indulges in the dark magicks. In both cases, they were the reliable, meek characters, and their addiction is fueled, subconsciously, by self-loathing. It’s beautiful and tragic and relatable.

I have a few top favorite moments in QAF, and one of them happens in Season 3. Ted finally hits rock bottom, which is being awake for days and discovering he got gangbanged while watching video of it. He goes to rehab and there he sees Blake. I loved this because the last time you saw Blake was Season 1, and he just disappeared, presumably dead. Naturally, Ted assumes he is a patient in rehab, but it turns out he is a counselor. I love that moment when Ted realizes that. That’s the thing I love about tv shows, characters have so much room to grow. In the two years they haven’t seen each other, their places in life completely switched. We don’t know what Blake has been through since we last saw him, but we know he was able to kick his addiction and is now helping others to do the same.

I also liked how despite being so against Ted helping Blake, when it was Emmett’s turn, he behaved much like Ted, if not more so, in trying to defend and deflect Ted’s destructive behavior.

Another favorite moment is when Michael confronts Ben about his steroid use. At one point, Ben, in his roid rage, says maybe he should be with someone who is also positive. Michael finds a needle Ben uses for steroids and threats to prick himself with it, thus exposing himself to HIV as well. Ben gets scared and demands Michael doesn’t do it and Michael tells him to stop using the steroids and to stop hurting himself and their relationship. The dialogue and the tension of that scene were perfect.

Now I’m on to season 4 and after that, the fifth and final season.

Queer as Folk was my introduction to gay TV at the tender age of 18 and it shaped how I thought the “gay world” would be, which never really came to pass, at least not for me. Season 1 is an introduction to the characters, and I really enjoyed them all… except Justin. Though at that time, he should have been the one I related to the most, at least age-wise, Michael was the one I identified with and I had such a crush on Hal Sparks because of Michael. Michael’s relationships have always been my goals. I think I also identified with Brian, though only on an emotional level. He showed people he cared in his own ways but was not one to wear his heart on his sleeve.

It’s funny, this time around, I find myself a lot more attracted to Ted than I think I’ve ever been. Even for the “ugly” older friend, he is pretty fit and I could see myself with a Ted these days, though Michael would still be #1.

At 18, I’d never been to a club, I’d barely touched alcohol, and I was 100% a virgin, so it was interesting to see a show that included so much partying and sex. I liked the idea of a core group of friends that did everything together. I thought once I finally entered the “gay” world I’d find that group.

Something that really bothered me about season 1 is something that would bother me again later down the road. Buffy is my favorite show, and I never felt the characters did anything out of character for the sake of the story and I believe that is why I judge other shows so harshly. My biggest issue with season 1 is Emmett making a promise to God to never sleep with another man if he is negative after a HIV scare. I understand why they wanted to tell this story, but it felt like a story that should have been told through someone else.

Emmett is the “queeniest” of the group. He has always been the way he was. He doesn’t appear to be religious, I don’t recall him bringing up religion and/or God often, if ever again. Also, his promise was never to sleep with another man again, but that somehow converts to him trying to be straight. It just didn’t make any sense to me, other than the writers wanting to tell the story of conversion groups. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to discuss, but I needed more to make me believe the one of the group who seems most proud to be gay would try to become straight. Other than that (and a lack of diversity), I really love this first season and the show in general.

I remember expecting to see clubs and bars like Babylon when I came out and only finding BS West. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun at BS West, but it was no Babylon. It wasn’t until my first time in San Diego, for San Diego Pride, that I discovered Rich’s, which is still Babylon to me.

It’s also strange to watch a show that had 20+ episodes per season, as I’m so used to shows having around 13.

Finally, the season finale. It was brutal on my emotions. I think seeing Justin get hit affected me more now as an adult, as seeing things like Pulse and real bashing in the news, than it did the first time. When I was 18, I didn’t know anything about gay bashings. It was also one of the first moments when Brian breaks his guard and shows he truly cares for Justin.

Now I’m midway through Season 2 and still loving it (I can’t decide who I am more like, Ben or Michael, but theirs is my favorite relationship of the series.)

So, I’ve been rewatching the series and will likely write a review of sorts of each season, but I wanted to focus this piece on this particular episode, and a particular moment in this episode which explains why I hate Justin.

From the beginning, Justin was my least favorite character. I found him immature, naive and quite the stalker, he was like the Dawn (from Buffy) of this series, I personally couldn’t find any redeeming qualities. To his credit, I did like that he was like an encyclopedia, which allowed the writers to add pertinent information, like statistics to support the argument of another character, through him, though there was never much discussion, if any, as to how he learned or retained all this information. That aspect of him reminds me of someone I know. He can tell you about just about anything and I enjoy listening to him tell me these random facts he just retains.

In this episode, Justin is convinced he needs to meet people his own age, so he goes to this party and ends up sleeping with this guy who is a virgin. Justin and Brian have rules for their relationship, one of which being that they can not kiss people on the mouth. However, feeling guilty when the guy (I don’t remember if he was even given a name) tries to kiss him after they sleep together, he gives in and kisses him.

The next day, Brian kisses Justin and tells he kissed someone else, so now Justin feels guilty. The guy comes to the diner to find Justin and tells him they have a connection and he loves Justin and Justin tells him never to come back there and that he is acting like a pathetic little fairy.

The main reason I hate this scene is that he is such a hypocrite. The only reason he and Brian are together is he wore him down and was persistent. He clearly fell in love with Brian after Brian took his virginity, so it seems illogical for him to not understand it could happen if he takes someone’s virginity (as it happened in S1 with Daphne.) It also felt a little out of character. Justin could be moody and emotional, but he was rarely mean without reason. I assume he does this so the guy doesn’t pursue him like he pursued Brian, but I think it was ultimately because he felt guilty about breaking his rules with Brian and was taking his anger out on the guy.

I know it is just a tv show, but it made me so angry and sad for him, as you never see him again. I wanted the character to come back later and be some sort of antagonist or something. Justin could have taken him in as a friend, as Brian’s friends took him in the year before. Part of me also wonders if Justin saw himself in that guy and didn’t want the competition or it was his chance to lash out at himself over his behavior to finally get Brian to like him back.

I guess I felt so bad for that guy because I relate to him a lot. He didn’t want to sleep with a lot of guys, he was just looking for someone special, and he thought he’d found that in Justin (I’m assuming him being a virgin didn’t help, though I never developed feelings for the guy who took my virginity), and he was wrong. I get wanting to make more of something than it is and maybe developing feelings for someone faster than you should, which is part of why I keep my distance, emotionally, from people.

At this point, his story was more interesting to me than Justin’s. I wanted to know what happened to him after he was told never to come back. They live in a small town. Did he finally end up going out (as he seemed like he was still in the closet), did he become a heartbreaker?

I think I would have felt differently if the guy hadn’t been a virgin, as Justin took Daphne’s virginity and she got emotionally attached to him after, even after they said things wouldn’t get weird, so he really should have known better than to sleep with another virgin. And to outright banish the kid from the diner too. It was just overall shitty and it pushed me from disliking Justin to hating him.