Grief

This one is a little more personal, but it’s how I feel in the moment and I feel inspired to write it.

I moved to LA in Feb 2016 to pursue a career in screenwriting (a topic for another post) and in late April I got a call that my mother had passed away. I was devastated. We hadn’t been close for a long time. Right after graduating high school, I took off to Phoenix, Arizona. I spent my 18th birthday on a Greyhound bus. I saw my mother one more time after leaving home. I saw her that Christmas… and I was violently ill the entire time I was in her home, I felt fine before and after, and I vowed never to return, so I didn’t. But I had this idea in my head that we would reconnect when we were older, and I was successful, and we could be close like we were when I was younger. That didn’t happen.

I was reminded again last night, that we don’t have as much time with those we care about as we’d like to think. My roommate let me know that he saw a post about a friend of mine passing away. At first, I was numb, and then I just felt an overwhelming rush of guilt. See, this friend texted me Monday saying he’d be in LA soon and wanted to see me. What I didn’t realize was he meant that day. I was a little taken back because it was so sudden and I was just relaxing at home, I didn’t want to do anything or see anybody. I asked when he was leaving and he told me he was heading north Tuesday morning. I had Tuesday off, so I figured I’d text him that morning and get breakfast or something… only I forgot to text him. And now I can’t.

I wish I would have just gone to see him. I don’t know if it would have hurt more than it hurts now, but to know I had a chance to see him once last time and I didn’t take it…

All these memories have been flooding back. I tend to associate people with music. If you’re a friend of mine, you’ll probably get a drunk text or DM from me with a screenshot of a song that makes me think of you. For him, it was #GETITRIGHT by Miley Cyrus. He was the one who introduced me to the song and I instantly loved it. Or I think about the time he came to LA to visit for the weekend. He stayed with me and he just hung out, talked, and watched movies. We went to an ice cream shop and they had jawbreakers. I was so excited, I hadn’t seen a jawbreaker since I was a child, so he bought it for me.

Last night, I was crying myself to sleep and I randomly thought of that jawbreaker. I still have it, so I got up and grabbed it out of my nightstand. I held it in my hand while I went to sleep and it gave me solace, however silly that may sound. I just hope he knows that I’m sorry for not seeing him one last time and I hope he knows he is loved.

And to anyone reading, spend time with your loved ones, tell them you care, because you never know when they’ll be gone.

Fear Itself

My first blog of 2019. How exciting! I know it is cliche, but I truly feel 2019 is going to be a year of change for me. I feel so much change already and it hasn’t been a full week yet. This year is being devoted to me and pursuing my dreams, not to say I won’t pursue them beyond this year, but I am going to focus on writing.

When I was 17, I moved to Phoenix, Arizona. I had no friends or family there, I’d never been there before and I believe I had about $125 to my name, which was all in my pocket. A lot of people tried to convince me not to go, friends, family, hell, even teachers, but I’d made up my mind. I knew it was where I was meant to be. There was no fear, no doubt, I knew it was going to work itself out (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.) Granted, I moved there for school, so housing, at least for the first semester, was already set up for me. I took a Greyhound bus, it was 3 days, I spent my 18th birthday on a bus to Phoenix. That was August 2006.

In February 2016, I moved to Los Angeles. It was a similar experience, I always knew I’d move to California eventually (at least I knew once I lived in Phoenix), that Phoenix was the pit stop. It was just a matter of where and when. I originally thought I’d go to San Diego, I was afraid to live in Los Angeles because of the movies. However, it made more sense to move to Los Angeles, as I want to be a screenwriter.

I trusted my intuition, but I was more fearful than I’d been with my move to Phoenix. I don’t remember ever doubting myself about moving to Phoenix, there were times of doubt and anxiety in regards to my move to Los Angeles, but I refused to stay in Phoenix any longer and gave myself the deadline of February 12th, as that was when my lease was up. Come hell or high water, I was leaving Phoenix on that date. I secured a place to stay a week prior (after spending the entire month prior searching.)

I’ve always been a driven person. I see what I want and go after it, and I don’t let anything stop me. I push through. But something happened when I moved here. It was a lot different than Phoenix. By the end of my near decade in Phoenix, I was coasting by. It was so easy to live comfortably in Phoenix. It was not the same here in Los Angeles. I had to put my creative energy aside to focus on surviving. I needed to find a job and then when my savings ran out, I really learned how much it costs to live here.

A long time was spent figuring out how to make ends meet here, but I did it, with the thanks of a second job, and then finding a better paying full-time job… and another part-time job. All the time and energy I had for creating when towards that. Now, almost three years later, I’m determined to get it back.

I bought this planner, I had their 2018 edition as well, and I’ve been working in it, it isn’t just about planning your life, it is about increasing productivity, positive thinking, and motivation. It has really made me think about the goals I have in life, and more importantly, the distractions keeping me from them, and why I allow such distractions.

It’s crazy, but once I got to Los Angeles, the idea of becoming a writer was a bit too real for me, and it scared me. One would probably think it would do the opposite and push me even further, but the fear stopped me in my tracks. The idea of success wasn’t in my head, all I could think of making an attempt to pursue my dream and falling on my face. Weird, to come all this way and now be so full of fear to push further?

I’m letting that fear go in 2019. It’s held me back too long. I’m not upset or angry at myself for taking this long to do it, though once upon a time, I would be. Everything happens when it is supposed to happen, which helps me to be a more patient person.

For a while, I pondered if my creative energy was completely depleted. Now I know it never was, I just let fear and anxiety stifle it. The more I realize that, the more I break free. This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was grab my pen and paper and write down an idea to help with my next script. The first script I’m writing since 2015. It made me so happy.

Here’s to 2019 and a more fearless me.

Five By Five

Anyone who knows me probably knows I’m a huge Buffy fan, I mean, look at the name of the blog, rogue slayer… And, of course, if that doesn’t tell you, my favorite character is Faith. She’s easily my favorite fictional character. I related so much to her when I was in high school and my early 20s and she and Buffy helped me through a lot of dark times in my life, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

The other week, my roommate told me about a Buffy trivia night happening at a bar down the street from our apartment. I was skeptical at first but decided to go. I had to find teammates, as each group had to have four but that turned out to be pretty simple. I was so nervous about going. I didn’t know my teammates ahead of time and despite going out all the time, I’m terribly shy and socially awkward. Part of me was tempted to just stay home and sleep but I got up and went and I had a blast.

Our group was called Five by Five. I loved the name as Faith is my favorite character, and she was the favorite of another member of the team. The bar was packed and everyone was wearing Buffy shirts, I wore my Five by Five one, and I knew Buffy was popular, but for some reason, I didn’t expect there to be as big a crowd. It brought me back to my high school days when I would spend my nights and weekends in my room watching Buffy and it made me wish I’d had something like this back then.

That trivia night lit a spark in me to write again. Back in the day, I’d put Buffy on as background noise and just write. It was such an inspiration to me creatively, I’d like to create stories that help people like these stories helped and still help me and I’m realizing I need to shift priorities if I expect that to happen.

When I was in high school, I was more or less a loner, at least for my freshman year. I didn’t have a desire to make friends, as I thought my time in GA would be temporary, when I realized it wouldn’t be, I figured making friends would help pass the time. Like Faith, I’ve always longed to be a part of something, but I’ve never quite gotten it right, or somehow managed to mess it up. I was more content with that in high school, I think, than I am with it now. I go out, and I don’t even enjoy going out unless I’ve had a few drinks, and I feel I’m trying to fill this void that writing once filled. Before I was 21, writing was my escape from my problems. I could just jump into a world of my own creation, one I controlled (which is why I love Sucker Punch so much.) The past few years, food and alcohol have been an alternative, and as that tends to be more social, it filled the loneliness writing couldn’t.

But I’m thirty now and I have dreams and goals. I moved to Los Angeles to become a writer, not to become a socialite. I need to find some writer friends, though I’m not sure how to go about that… but I tend to achieve what I set my mind to. Maybe I had it right in high school? Maybe I should stick to being at home writing, reading, drawing, watching movies/TV and playing video games. I definitely felt more creative then and writing came easily. I don’t know, I just don’t want to wake up and be 40 with nothing to show as my free time was spent at the bars or nursing hangovers as opposed to writing and developing my craft.

Writing was everything to me and I’m going to get back to that.

Thirty, Flirty and Thriving

My 30th birthday is in 11 days. Not only am I celebrating my Dirty Thirty, I’m also celebrating my Golden Birthday (as my birthday is the 30th). It’s a little bittersweet. I don’t like the idea of leaving my twenties, but I do like the idea of moving further into adulthood. Ten or so years ago, you would never hear me speak of turning 30 with such positivity.

I, foolishly, thought I’d accomplish everything I sought to accomplish by the age of 30 and saw no point in living beyond that. I was so young and so naive. Thankfully, I tend to keep at least one set of friends around who are older than I, and they provide perspective on what the future can hold if I invest the time and work now. I never thought I’d say this, but I look forward to my 30s, 40s and beyond.

I, foolishly, thought I’d have everything figured out by now, and there is still a lot for me to learn, even about myself. This past month I took a break from alcohol, yet still occasionally went out. Part of the reason was I wanted to get back into the gym and drinking would get in the way of developing muscle, also it is quite easy for me to decide to skip the gym if I’ve been drinking the night before. Another reason, which I kept to myself, was I use/used alcohol as a way of breaking through my social anxiety, but I wasn’t more social with it (as I’ve learned the past month) and I’d drink more and more in an effort to… let go, if you will, and it wasn’t working. I saw this post that was a quote from Robin Williams (allegedly… don’t always trust what you read on the internet) that said if you have to do drugs or drink to have a good time, you’re doing something wrong. And at that moment, I decided to take a little break from drinking to see if I could still have fun out and about sober. Moving forward, I probably won’t be out and about sober, maybe a drink or two, as drunk people can be annoying when sober, but I still went out and I still had fun and met new people and was able to have conversations (and remember people’s names this time) without even a sip of alcohol.

My year of 30 is going to be focused on getting back into writing. It’s the thing that has always given me the most peace and yet something I’ve been running scared from for the past two and a half years (despite being the reason I moved to Los Angeles.) It is said that an “overnight success” in Hollywood typically takes about ten years of hard work and I think I’m ready to start putting in that work. I have friends who are just hitting 40 or close to it, who are doing things I’d love to do when I’m that age, and I’m ready to invest that time and work. I’m OK with spending the time now and being labeled an “overnight success” at 40.

I’m excited for what the next ten years hold. The last ten were quite a ride. Hell, the last two were quite a ride. Here’s to being Thirty, Flirty and Thriving!

Another Day of Sun

So, Feb 12th marked my second year of living in Los Angeles, but May 1st (technically April 30th) marked my second year of living in West Hollywood. Sure, I moved maybe four miles, but my life as a Californian truly began once I moved to WeHo. So I figured I’d reflect on it a bit.

My move to California has been an eye-opening experience for me. Even when I moved to Phoenix at the age of 18, I don’t think it was as challenging as moving to California was, and I wonder if people realize how difficult it was for me (the beauty of social media, I suppose, it just shows the highlight reel.)

I tend to be rather critical of myself and wonder if I’ll ever be a “real” writer or if I have the passion for it that I see in others (that I don’t see in myself,) but despite my fears, I moved, even though up until about a week before the move, it seemed impossible. I knew I needed to be here.

And it is so interesting, because, I would come to WeHo for my birthday, it is at the end of August, so my friends and I would call it our LAbor Day trip. I would walk along Santa Monica Blvd and I spoke into existence that I would live here someday, and now I do. It is surreal to think that I live not just in the town, but the very neighborhood I would stay in on vacation. I live between the two hotels I’d stay in. It really goes to show the power of the mind. When I think of that, it reminds me to keep positive thoughts, as it takes time, especially in this industry, to get in the door.

And I have a great roommate, my first LA roommate was legitimately mentally unwell, and I have great friends. I know I’m not the most… open person in the world, but I like to think that I show people I care, in my own little ways, and I hope they know I do. Sometimes I envy people who can be open and honest about how they feel. I’m only able to do so in writing, and even then, I’m still reserved.

This one time, a dear WeHo friend told me this story, I don’t remember the exact details, besides it isn’t my story to tell, but it was something along the lines of seeing someone in the bar that triggered old, bad memories, and he started to cry and it made me sad and that sadness turned to anger towards that person who caused this pain to my friend. And since then, I’ve felt this need to look after and protect him, though he doesn’t need my protection. I think it stems from my desire to have an older brother. I always wanted to be a sidekick or righthand man or something. He’s opened up to me and in my own small ways, I’ve done the same.

Living in West Hollywood has really made me confront some things about myself I’d like to change, such as being so reserved and distant, and my thinking in general. I tend to go more towards the negative thoughts, but I’ve been reading self-help books and whatnot and am realizing that happiness is a choice and it isn’t a matter of thinking I’ll be happy when I have X or I’ll be happy when Y happens, it is a matter of being happy and grateful now, and if I’m not happy now, I won’t be when I have X or when Y happens, because there will just be a new X and Y to achieve.

I’ve also had to confront a laziness I developed. Living in Phoenix was very easy. I didn’t have to do much and I lived a comfortable life, but here in West Hollywood, if I want to achieve my goal of being a screenwriter, I have to break out of my comfort zone and but in a lot more effort than was required of me to get what I wanted in Phoenix. Though it has been hard, I have accepted the challenge. One of the biggest challenges has been not operating out of fear. As I said before, I’m extremely critical of myself, I have a nagging fear of not being good enough in, well, every aspect of my life, and it is holding me back. It goes back to the whole breaking out of the comfort zone thing, so that is my goal for this third year in West Hollywood, not to operate out of fear, as there have been times when I’ve been fearless, such as my move to Los Angeles, and so far, despite the ups and downs, it has been working in my favor.

The Broken Hearts Club

I find it interesting how certain things or people can come into your life with perfect timing. The other night I was randomly re-watching Queer as Folk. That show meant (and still means) so much to me. It helped me on my journey towards coming out. It was 2006 and I’d just turned 18 when I was introduced to the show by my college roommate. He was gay, and I got to ask him a lot of questions I hadn’t been able to ask before. Anyway, the show is comforting to me, but also reminds me of how I thought life would be once I came out versus how it actually was.

That same night, I watched the first episode of Santa Clarita Diet, which I really enjoyed, with a friend, and seeing Timothy Olyphant, made him think of The Broken Hearts Club, so we watched that after, as I’ve never watched it before. Sidenote, I find Timothy much more attractive now than then, not that he wasn’t attractive back then, but he’s grown finer with age.

I think I’d heard of the movie before, I just never got around to watching it. Even before I was 18 and on my own, I tried to get my hands on LGBT film and TV, I suppose in a way to seek comfort or reassurance that it was normal and everything would be ok. Around 20, right around the time I came out, this kicked into overdrive. I’d search Wikipedia and IMDB for gay films and find them and watch them. Side note, Latter Days still makes me cry because the end was finally the moment when I realized I was gay and it was ok.

It took a little bit for me to get into the film, as it is dated, to say the least, but I became intrigued when it was brought to my attention that they live in West Hollywood. For those who don’t know, so do I (two years in May), and it was interesting to see what it looked like back in 2000 (well, I imagine the film was filmed in 1999.)

A part of me wishes I had been an adult in the 90s. My friend was in his early twenties when the film came out, he saw it in theaters. He’s a wealth of random information, which proved useful as he was able to tell me where things were shot and what they were referring to if they referenced a certain movie or store. I think me wanting to be an adult (or maybe teen) in the 90s is a grass is greener on the other side situation. I mean, would I have had more fun, as I tell myself, would living in a different time somehow make me a different person?

Thanks to Queer as Folk, I longed for a core group of gay friends for a very long time, even before that, I’d longed to belong to a core group. It never really worked out for me. I was able to move in and out of friend groups, some that couldn’t stand others, but didn’t belong to one solely. I realize as I’m the common denominator in these equations, it must be me, but I never really figured it out and no one has brought it to my attention. I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in, and perhaps I manifested it through that thinking. Nonetheless, I thought I’d come out, find three gay friends and we would do everything together… and it didn’t quite work out that way.

The Broken Hearts Club reminded me of how I felt when I first started watching Queer as Folk. I related the most to Kevin, though I’ve been out almost 10 years now, I still find myself learning and trying to navigate the gay world. I relate to his naivety in falling for someone because of a hook up (which may explain why I avoid them.)

It’s fascinating, and I talked about this in the G.B.F post, but a lot of gay men come out and go through a hookup phase. Like Dennis says in the film, he is 28 and wasn’t able to be gay for 25 years, so he had time to make up for. I never had that phase, and I often wonder if that is something to be thankful for or to regret.

I think a problem with being a writer is I always have these grand ideas, as my imagination tends to run wild, and real life tends to pale in comparison. It’s odd, Queer as Folk and The Broken Hearts Club bot have a bittersweet effect on me. They comfort me, as I see it is possible to develop meaningful relationships with other gay men (not to say I haven’t done so, as I do have some close gay male friends), but I also feel in some way that I have and am wasting my youth.

One of my favorite films is Nowhere, it is this 90s film that is really hard to explain, I’ll have to re-watch it and write a post about it. Rachel True, whom I LOVE, is in the film, and she is dating a guy, but they are both bi and have an open relationship, though he wishes to be monogamous. She essentially tells him that our bodies are for connecting with other people and she wants to do that now before she is old and no one wants her anymore. That always stuck with me, though I’ve done very little to implement that philosophy into my own life.

Back in my early gay Phoenix years, my friends would joke about me being asexual, and I think that has come up here in West Hollywood too. And, in all honesty, sex scares me for a number of reasons. I’m afraid to catch something, I’m afraid I’ll be terrible due to lack of experience, I’m afraid of expecting more or growing attached, and I’m afraid of intimacy. A lot of people can have casual sex, but I’m not one of those people.

This one time, years ago, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was hanging with some friends. One, in particular, was always flirting, and there were drinks involved and I sought solace. It started innocently enough, just touching and being close, nothing sexual, as we were in the living room and other people were around. Then it got late and it was time for bed and I went in his room with him and cuddling lead to kissing and that led to close coming off, but when it came time to, well, do it, I was so scared for some reason, I was literally trembling. I wasn’t afraid of him, I’d known him a while and found him very attractive, and he hadn’t pressured me or forced me into anything. I was just scared (and he was a gentleman about it and we just cuddled the rest of the night, which was nice.)

One may think, one doesn’t have to have casual sex, one can go on dates and whatnot, well I don’t do that either. And I just keep thinking of Rachel’s character in Nowhere and wondering if I am wasting my youth. I’m not blaming it on anyone other than myself, I don’t put myself out there or flirt or ask anyone out or any of that stuff because that also scares me. A have a lot of fear hindering my life, perhaps why I sense I’ll regret my wasted youth.

Queer as Folk made me think I’d come out and get all this attention but that was not the case (though I did get some attention.) And for some reason, despite it not happening in Phoenix, I thought it would happen here in West Hollywood upon moving here, and again, not the case (though I did get some attention.) That being said, I feel we all mature at our own pace, some slower than others. I feel that I am finally starting to learn who I am as a person. Focusing more on writing these days has also helped me to focus more on what I like about myself, what I’d like to improve upon, and what issues and insecurities I need to work through to become the best me.

This one ended up being more about me than the film, which I suppose is ok. I’ve rambled on long enough. Part of me wishes I’d watched it sooner. I wish I’d been more comfortable with being gay sooner, and in some ways, I’m not sure if I’m completely comfortable with it yet, but that’s another post for another day.

Call Me By Your Name

Let’s just get right to it, I was quite confused about this film up until maybe the last half (or last third.) Perhaps confused isn’t the right word… I thought the story would go a bit differently. However, when Elio and Oliver finally get together and have a conversation about the summer long seduction, it cleared the air, a bit, for me.

Up until that point, it appeared, at least to me, to be more teasing and lustful and romantic, which ruined the idea I had in regards to the plot of the film. I will admit, I did like that the film didn’t resort to explicit sex scenes, as gay films tend to do. I really enjoyed the sensuality of the scenes with Elio and Oliver, especially when they were alone and could touch and kiss. There was a passion there.

I suppose some of the problems I had with the film come from me living in 2018 and this taking place in 1983. It seemed odd that they couldn’t express their attraction to each other. I’m still a little confused as why they weren’t more open about it in the confined of Elio’s home, as his parents had gay friends and were open minded and accepting after the fact (so it wasn’t even like the age difference was a big thing.)

The speech the dad gives Elio really hit me in the feels. I know I can relate to wanting to feel nothing for fear of risking being vulnerable and being hurt, which kinda defeats the purpose of living and seems a waste of the human experience. It goes back to the Shadow Self. One side of me longs for connection, openness and vulnerability and the other side of me enjoys the keeping people at a distance and keeping my emotions deep down inside.

Watching the film made me think of, well, I don’t want to say my first love, as I’ve never been in love, and not even my first experience with a man, but I think it was my first time feeling genuine romantic feelings for someone. It was 2010, I believe, and I, like I imagine countless others, had made gay friends online. A few I chatted with expressed interest, but they lived so far away, I never entertained the thought (maybe some other time I’ll tell the story of a British guy I would chat with.)

However, fate had it this guy would come to Phoenix, and he was going to be in town a few days and wanted to meet up. I figured why not, as we’d chatted for quite some time. My friends and I went out to the bar that night and he met us there. He almost didn’t, as he was having trouble finding the place.

We danced and drank and I introduced him to my friends. One of the things I liked most about him was his assertiveness. Which is still something that attracts me to a guy. I also liked how his attention was devoted to me. I remember us standing with my friends and him holding my hand, but unless you were paying close attention, you wouldn’t realize we were holding hands. Sweet little things like that.

We danced, and I think I remember him being a really good dancer. He kept trying to kiss me on the dance floor, and I would maneuver away. It’s not that I didn’t want to kiss him, I was just really nervous. Eventually, with all my maneuvering, I’d backed myself into a corner and had nowhere else to go, and he kissed me, and I really liked it.

Though I came with friends to the bar that night, I went home with him. On the drive, we held hands (I don’t think I’ve held hands with a guy while he drove since, and I’d really like that again) and at the red lights we’d have a little make out session. He ended up staying a few days longer than intended, and I brought him around my friends more and, I felt really happy and really in like, but it was something I knew wouldn’t last, as we only had a few days together.

I think the last night he was in town, we were laying in bed together, I think we’d watched some movie or another, and I suddenly turned away from him. I got really upset because I knew it was almost over, and my response to emotions is to shut down. He could tell something was wrong and reassured me that just because he was leaving didn’t mean it would be the end (which wasn’t true, but it neither here nor there.)

I called him a few days after he left. The day he left I was sad and moped in my room. I could tell our moment had passed. He casually brought up another guy and I kinda left it at that (I’m not one to compete for someone’s attention.) Oddly enough, I end up accepting an invitation to go on a date shortly thereafter, and that rebound turned into my first (or two, so far) boyfriends… but that’s a story for another time.

The call Elio and Oliver have at the end of the film reminded me of the conversation I had with that guy, to an extent. Oliver, in my opinion, was Elio’s first love. If I had to pick, of the men of romances past, I would say this guy was my first love… but maybe I haven’t encountered him yet? Who knows. Anyway, this ended up being a bit more of a trip down memory lane than about the film, but so be it.

LA Anniversary

Feb 12th 2016 I made the move from Phoenix, Arizona to Los Angeles, California. It is still a little surreal to think about. For years, I’d been saying I would move to California, at first I thought it would be San Diego, and I finally did it.

When I was just 17, I made the decision to move from Waynesboro, Georgia to Phoenix, Arizona. I had no friends or family there, I just saw there was a school where I could learn video game design (and I’d always wanted to go to Phoenix after learning as a child a place existed with the same name as The Phoenix from X-Men.) A lot of people tried to talk me out of it, but I had no fears and had no doubts about it. One, I knew I HAD to get out of Waynesboro, and I hadn’t gotten into a school I wanted to attend in Georgia. My other thought was to go back to the northeast, I was thinking Boston, and got accepted to a school in Boston, but opted to Phoenix. I think, even back then, I knew eventually I’d end up in California.

After almost 10 years in Arizona, I made the move to California. It wasn’t as fearless and doubtless a move, though I wish it had been. Even to this day, I have my fears and doubts about whether I made a mistake or not, but I have a tendency to focus on the negative, and I’m working on trying to focus on the positive.

There have definitely been highs and lows here. Times when I felt there couldn’t possibly be a way to make things work, and then I’d find a way. Times when I cried of loneliness (being new to a big city can be overwhelming and lonely) and times when I wanted to just give up and runaway, maybe back to Phoenix, maybe to somewhere new, but I’ve stayed. I’ve been told if you can make it in Los Angeles a year, (it’s a city that can and will chew you up and spit you out) you have the determination to make it long term.

On the other side of that, I’ve met wonderful people, I’ve had wonderful experiences, and have a current job that is teaching me a lot about the industry. I’m one of those people who feels the Universe puts you where you need to be when you need to be there, and now it is up to me to soak up all the knowledge and experiences and make something of them.

I have big dreams and big ideas, but my fears and doubts get in the way. This year of living in Los Angeles, I’m working on letting those go, as the only sure fire way to fail is to never try. I moved out here for a reason and despite my fears, I wouldn’t have made the move if I didn’t have some faith in myself that I could do it.

I’m also learning to not be so specific in what I want. For instance, the summer after my 8th grade year, I watched Coyote Ugly pretty much every day. I LOVED it, and I knew some day I would move to a big city and make my dreams come true. At the time, I was still in my hometown in Connecticut, so I naturally assumed the big city would be New York City, just like Violet, but when life pointed me in the direction of Los Angeles, I accepted that.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself of the things I’ve accomplished in life. Often, I compare my accomplishments to those who have done more and envy that or feel I’ll never achieve that much, again, letting the negative win. I’ve done a lot in my life, and I’ve been on my own since the age of 18. I’m going to be less critical of myself (and those around me.)

So, expect a post from me on or around Feb 12th 2019 giving an update on how I’ve progressed.