MCU

This is LONG overdue. There are so many films, so many characters, and so many thoughts, so I’ll just focus on my favorites for now. It is fascinating to think that Iron Man (and its success) led to this massive franchise, though I’m glad it did. For some reason though, the franchise never really spoke to me or caught my attention. It may have been because I was aware of the X-Men, I was aware of Daredevil and Elektra, I was aware of the Fantastic Four… but other than that, I didn’t know much about Marvel comic characters. I also have a habit of being contrary, so part of me maybe didn’t watch the franchise because it was so popular.

I remember watching Iron Man and Iron Man 2 back in the day. I also remember watching Avengers and Avengers: Age of Ultron because of my writing idol at the time, he-who-shall-not-be-named. I loved the films. I LOVED Black Widow. I LOVED Scarlet Witch, but it didn’t get me into the theaters, let alone the franchise. It doesn’t make sense why it didn’t though. I love action films and I love superhero films. It literally had everything I needed to be a fan.

Fast forward to 2019, I see a trailer for Marvel’s Avengers, and I’m hooked. You mean to tell me I get to play AS the Avengers? Also, I saw this as a spiritual successor to the likes of Marvel Ultimate Alliance and Marvel Heroes Omega (more on Marvel’s Avengers in another post). The game made me think that maybe it is time to watch these damn movies… So, I made a list, release order, not chronological… I got Disney+ and I started my MCU journey. If I remember correctly, I got through the first Captain America film (I didn’t start my journey until the spring of 2020 when the world was in lockdown.) The game came out and my focus went to playing that rather than watching the films.

Fast forward to Feb 14th, 2022, a friend and I have a ritual of having dinner on Valentine’s Day. He orders a heart-shaped pizza, I come over, we drink wine, eat and watch a movie. This year, he picked Iron Man 2. I was not opposed because I got to see the iconic introduction of Black Widow again. Watching the film reminded me that I should get back into the MCU… so I did. As of today, I have Loki, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Eternals, and Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings to watch. I also got to watch my FIRST MCU film in theaters, which was Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. I watched it mother’s day weekend (another story for another time.) It is the second film I’ve watched in theaters this year, the first being Scream back in January.

When I got to films like Infinity War and Endgame, I was a bit upset with myself for not getting into the franchise sooner so I could have experienced them in theaters with the other fans. Though some critics say the films are mindless action, I beg to differ. I felt a gambit of emotions going through these films, especially ones like Black Widow, Infinity War, Black Panther, and Captain America: Civil War. Don’t even get me started on my favorite characters, which are (in order) Scarlet Witch, Yelena, and Back Widow. I’ll have to devote a post to Scarlet Witch (and I hope she comes to Marvel’s Avengers.)

I feel like I’m meant to write for comics or the MCU, not to inflate my writing abilities, I just mean, these are the types of stories I want to tell. The stories I write are about people with extraordinary abilities, probably because I always wished I was special. I can still remember hitting puberty and being devastated because I didn’t develop a mutant ability (though I was thankful when I had to do a research paper and studied that most mutations aren’t like the ones in the comics, they tend to be harmful, if not deadly.)

Now, despite being many years behind, I can proudly say I’m a fan of the MCU. I don’t plan to watch the new Thor film in theaters (Thor has never done much for me as a character and neither have the films), but I’ll watch it on Disney+ eventually… besides, it gives me time to catch up on the Disney+ shows.

What are your thoughts on the MCU? Who are your favorite characters? Which films are your favorite? I’m curious to know.

Step Sisters

I watched Step Sisters on Netflix last night on a whim. Netflix recommended it to me when it released, and my only reason for watching was Megalyn Echikunwoke. I’m such a fan of hers. I can’t explain the how or why, as I haven’t watched a lot of things she’s been in nor have I actively sought them out, but I’m always happy when I run into something she is in.

The first thing I remember seeing her in was a little MTV soap opera called Spyder Games. I can’t really recall the other actors from the show, but I always remember her and her character, Charity. Charity the police chief’s (maybe chief, he was a policeman though) daughter and was in love with this guy named Sascha. This show was on around 2001. The next thing I remember seeing her in was an episode of The Game and I instantly recognized her. The next thing was Injustice 2 where she is the voice of Vixen, and apparently, she is the voice actress for the animated show and there was an episode of Arrow (maybe, or one of the other CW DC shows) where she plays the live action version of Vixen.

It’s weird, I feel I don’t have the dedication to call myself a fan, per se, and it isn’t like I know her or anything, I just am really happy when I see actors from shows I watched as a teen who are still in the industry and doing well. I’m also that person who is really happy when I see co-stars of shows/movies are friends in real life. I can’t explain it.

Anyway, to the film itself. It got a lot of low scores, and I thought they were unfair. It wasn’t the greatest film I’ve ever watched, but it was nowhere near the worst. I appreciated it for what it was. For me, it felt like a Bring It On in a Dear White People universe, if that makes any sense (and it should, as it shares producers with Dear White People.)

I felt at times it was a bit too silly for what it was trying to say and there seemed to be times when emotions suddenly skyrocketed from 0 to 100 or vice versa ( and sometimes from 0 to 100 to 0) which felt a little jarring, but overall I was entertained. The premise of the film is Jamilah, Megalyn’s character, needs a recommendation letter to get into Harvard. Her parents, though Harvard graduates, will not write a letter for her, due to her not achieving a 4.0. She works for the dean, in some capacity I don’t think was really explained, and after a scandal with a sorority, he offers to provide her the recommendation letter if she teaches the sorority to step. I should mention, Jamilah is part of a black sorority, the Thetas, and the other sorority, SBB, is white (with the exception of one black member.)

I can’t really put my finger on it, but this felt like a Bring It On lite, like I imagine the sequels to Bring It On are. Again, I really enjoyed it, and it added its own flavor to make it unique, but if it weren’t for Megalyn, I would have just watched Bring It On. It felt like there wasn’t a lot of time spent with all the characters. In the end, when they have their step competition, I could point out maybe three of them that I knew for sure, the others, I couldn’t tell if they were just dance extras or if they’d been there the entire time.

It also did the thing in Bring It On where the main character has a boyfriend and he seems great, but then turns out not to be, so she ends up dating a guy she meets on her new journey, and I just noticed this part too, he is the brother of her new friend. Hmm. I had more of an issue with this in Step Sisters than I did in Bring It On. Again, I felt it was because I didn’t get to spend a lot of time getting to know a lot of the supporting cast. So, Jamilah’s boyfriend is white, played by the very sexy and very woke Matt McGorry. From my understanding of their relationship, they seemed very happy. All of a sudden, she meets this new guy, who is black, yet the brother of the white president of SBB, Danielle (we’ll get to her in a moment.) and she ends up dumping her boyfriend for him. The new relationship is very cute, but it felt like they made Matt’s character a villain all of a sudden, literally in one scene her criticizes her for teaching the SBBs step, to justify her dumping him for Danielle’s brother. It felt forced, in my opinion.

There were times when it felt like, ok, this is where we need to hit an emotional moment, and one would come out of nowhere, and it felt odd. And when things blow up in Jamilah’s face, the person who does it didn’t make sense to me, even though she explains why, and I felt Jamilah was a little quick to forgive, despite not having a reason to do so.

My favorite two characters in this film were Jamilah and Danielle, and I feel it is likely because of the actresses. So I already expressed my feelings about Megalyn, but the actress who played Danielle, Lyndon Smith, I need to discuss. I’ve never seen her before, but I loved her immediately. She reminds me of a Demi Moore: The Next Generation. She is the bitchy president of the SBB, and she has this way of talking that makes her seem like she has seen it all, heard it all, and is so exhausted by the conversation that she can barely speak. I don’t know if that is how she always speaks, but I loved it. Her character also reminded me a lot of myself. She is cold and distant, but underneath it all, she does care for her sorority sisters, in her own way.

Overall, it was a cute movie. I went into it with no expectations and ended entertained.

Trick

Not too long ago, I had a conversation with someone about gay films, I can’t remember who off the top of my head, but I was told I needed to watch Trick. The opportunity presented itself tonight and I figured, why not?

I quite enjoyed it, despite being a little confused. In short, a shy writer meets this gogo boy on the subway and decides to bring him home. They are unable to hook up, as his roommate and his best friend both get in the way, and they spend the evening trying to find a place to hook up.

It is set in NYC in the 90s, which I love. I really regret not being an adult in the 90s. I think I would have loved living in NYC. Gabriel, the main character, is played by Christian Campbell (Neve Campbell’s brother… though I think he could pass for Ryan Reynold’s brother,) and I really liked and related to the character. In the beginning, he is testing a song from a musical he wrote, and a friend questions how he can write about falling in love or the potential to do so if he hasn’t experienced it.

There are a series of misfortunes between him and the go-go dancer, Mark, and at several points in the film, both debate calling it a night and going to their respective homes. Though I enjoyed the film, I was a bit confused by the motives of the main characters. For instance, to me, it seemed very apparent from the beginning that all Mark and Gabriel wanted was sex, more so Mark than Gabriel. I could see Gabriel maybe hoping the hookup could turn into something more, but I didn’t see that with Mark.

After they are kicked out of Gabriel’s place, they try to figure out where they can go to mess around, and a guy walks by, and Mark starts checking him out. But later in the film, it seems Mark picked up Gabriel in hopes that this hook up would be different than the others, something more, which didn’t make sense based on what I thought of the character prior to that moment. Perhaps it is a bit nitpicky, but I couldn’t understand why either of them were so emotionally invested in a hook up that hadn’t even happened yet. Nonetheless, it was cute and sweet.

The Broken Hearts Club

I find it interesting how certain things or people can come into your life with perfect timing. The other night I was randomly re-watching Queer as Folk. That show meant (and still means) so much to me. It helped me on my journey towards coming out. It was 2006 and I’d just turned 18 when I was introduced to the show by my college roommate. He was gay, and I got to ask him a lot of questions I hadn’t been able to ask before. Anyway, the show is comforting to me, but also reminds me of how I thought life would be once I came out versus how it actually was.

That same night, I watched the first episode of Santa Clarita Diet, which I really enjoyed, with a friend, and seeing Timothy Olyphant, made him think of The Broken Hearts Club, so we watched that after, as I’ve never watched it before. Sidenote, I find Timothy much more attractive now than then, not that he wasn’t attractive back then, but he’s grown finer with age.

I think I’d heard of the movie before, I just never got around to watching it. Even before I was 18 and on my own, I tried to get my hands on LGBT film and TV, I suppose in a way to seek comfort or reassurance that it was normal and everything would be ok. Around 20, right around the time I came out, this kicked into overdrive. I’d search Wikipedia and IMDB for gay films and find them and watch them. Side note, Latter Days still makes me cry because the end was finally the moment when I realized I was gay and it was ok.

It took a little bit for me to get into the film, as it is dated, to say the least, but I became intrigued when it was brought to my attention that they live in West Hollywood. For those who don’t know, so do I (two years in May), and it was interesting to see what it looked like back in 2000 (well, I imagine the film was filmed in 1999.)

A part of me wishes I had been an adult in the 90s. My friend was in his early twenties when the film came out, he saw it in theaters. He’s a wealth of random information, which proved useful as he was able to tell me where things were shot and what they were referring to if they referenced a certain movie or store. I think me wanting to be an adult (or maybe teen) in the 90s is a grass is greener on the other side situation. I mean, would I have had more fun, as I tell myself, would living in a different time somehow make me a different person?

Thanks to Queer as Folk, I longed for a core group of gay friends for a very long time, even before that, I’d longed to belong to a core group. It never really worked out for me. I was able to move in and out of friend groups, some that couldn’t stand others, but didn’t belong to one solely. I realize as I’m the common denominator in these equations, it must be me, but I never really figured it out and no one has brought it to my attention. I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in, and perhaps I manifested it through that thinking. Nonetheless, I thought I’d come out, find three gay friends and we would do everything together… and it didn’t quite work out that way.

The Broken Hearts Club reminded me of how I felt when I first started watching Queer as Folk. I related the most to Kevin, though I’ve been out almost 10 years now, I still find myself learning and trying to navigate the gay world. I relate to his naivety in falling for someone because of a hook up (which may explain why I avoid them.)

It’s fascinating, and I talked about this in the G.B.F post, but a lot of gay men come out and go through a hookup phase. Like Dennis says in the film, he is 28 and wasn’t able to be gay for 25 years, so he had time to make up for. I never had that phase, and I often wonder if that is something to be thankful for or to regret.

I think a problem with being a writer is I always have these grand ideas, as my imagination tends to run wild, and real life tends to pale in comparison. It’s odd, Queer as Folk and The Broken Hearts Club bot have a bittersweet effect on me. They comfort me, as I see it is possible to develop meaningful relationships with other gay men (not to say I haven’t done so, as I do have some close gay male friends), but I also feel in some way that I have and am wasting my youth.

One of my favorite films is Nowhere, it is this 90s film that is really hard to explain, I’ll have to re-watch it and write a post about it. Rachel True, whom I LOVE, is in the film, and she is dating a guy, but they are both bi and have an open relationship, though he wishes to be monogamous. She essentially tells him that our bodies are for connecting with other people and she wants to do that now before she is old and no one wants her anymore. That always stuck with me, though I’ve done very little to implement that philosophy into my own life.

Back in my early gay Phoenix years, my friends would joke about me being asexual, and I think that has come up here in West Hollywood too. And, in all honesty, sex scares me for a number of reasons. I’m afraid to catch something, I’m afraid I’ll be terrible due to lack of experience, I’m afraid of expecting more or growing attached, and I’m afraid of intimacy. A lot of people can have casual sex, but I’m not one of those people.

This one time, years ago, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was hanging with some friends. One, in particular, was always flirting, and there were drinks involved and I sought solace. It started innocently enough, just touching and being close, nothing sexual, as we were in the living room and other people were around. Then it got late and it was time for bed and I went in his room with him and cuddling lead to kissing and that led to close coming off, but when it came time to, well, do it, I was so scared for some reason, I was literally trembling. I wasn’t afraid of him, I’d known him a while and found him very attractive, and he hadn’t pressured me or forced me into anything. I was just scared (and he was a gentleman about it and we just cuddled the rest of the night, which was nice.)

One may think, one doesn’t have to have casual sex, one can go on dates and whatnot, well I don’t do that either. And I just keep thinking of Rachel’s character in Nowhere and wondering if I am wasting my youth. I’m not blaming it on anyone other than myself, I don’t put myself out there or flirt or ask anyone out or any of that stuff because that also scares me. A have a lot of fear hindering my life, perhaps why I sense I’ll regret my wasted youth.

Queer as Folk made me think I’d come out and get all this attention but that was not the case (though I did get some attention.) And for some reason, despite it not happening in Phoenix, I thought it would happen here in West Hollywood upon moving here, and again, not the case (though I did get some attention.) That being said, I feel we all mature at our own pace, some slower than others. I feel that I am finally starting to learn who I am as a person. Focusing more on writing these days has also helped me to focus more on what I like about myself, what I’d like to improve upon, and what issues and insecurities I need to work through to become the best me.

This one ended up being more about me than the film, which I suppose is ok. I’ve rambled on long enough. Part of me wishes I’d watched it sooner. I wish I’d been more comfortable with being gay sooner, and in some ways, I’m not sure if I’m completely comfortable with it yet, but that’s another post for another day.

G.B.F

The first time I heard of G.B.F, there was a lot of controversy over the rating. I’m not completely familiar with what takes a film from a PG-13 rating to an R, but many people, at least the people of Tumblr, felt it was given an R rating because its content was gay. If I remember correctly, you can only say “fuck” once in a PG-13 film, and I don’t believe that is ever said in the film, not that the use of that word is the only criteria.

Nonetheless, I stumbled upon the film later one summer Netflix binge day and I fell in love. Around that time, I was really into teen dramas, such as Awkward. That show made me realize I wish I’d had that high school experience, where you have a first love and date and what not. I think many gay people around my age can relate. I also really enjoyed this idealistic teenage life of living in a beautiful house in sunny California, going shopping with friends on the weekends and having not a care in the world.

What I love about G.B.F is even five years later, it is still fresh and unlike anything I’ve seen before or after. I’m also a sucker for witty dialogue and I love the use of color throughout the film. Not to mention, it is a really cute coming out story that I think can resonate with a lot of young people.

One thing I really liked about the film was how it played with the expectation of Tanner and Brent getting together. I personally wanted them too, I think they had great chemistry, and maybe I’ve watched one too many teen drama where the best friends end up together. I understood the confusion that can come with gay friendships.

I read somewhere that a lot of gay men spend their twenties catching up on things straight people learned in their late teens (romantically and sexually), I don’t think I ever got to that catch up point or I feel I may be just about to enter it (and I’ll be thirty in five months and two days, not that anyone’s counting.) I’m still in a stage where I’m fine holding hands, kissing and/or cuddling (and would honestly prefer that to any attempt at a sexual encounter), so teen movies like this are sweet because it’s what I want right now.

My favorite part of the film is when there is a slo-mo walk down a hall after Tanner gets his gay makeover. “Anything Can Happen” by Ellie Goulding is playing, and that song makes me so very happy. This one time, back when I lived in South Phoenix, my roommate was gone and I was in the house by myself and I was deeply sad about something, I can’t even remember what, I just remember having a drink and dancing around the house blasting that song on repeat. It’s so funny how music can change your spirit. Then I saw this film and now when I hear the song I think of that scene and I think of that night when I danced my blues away.

If you haven’t watched it, you should. It is a little cheesy at times, but all around delightful, witty and funny.

The Babysitter

I randomly heard of this film a few months ago when I saw a billboard for it on Sunset Blvd while walking home. What caught my attention was McG directed it. I’ve been a fan of his since the first Charlie’s Angels film, so I knew at the very least, I would be visually entertained.

I can’t explain why it took me so long to finally get around to it (though it took less time than Deadpool.) I’m glad I finally did. It was insane, it was witty and I loved every moment of it.

I remember researching who McG was after watching the first Charlie’s Angels film, that film was probably my favorite film as a pre-teen. I loved everything about it. From what I remember, as I did this research almost 20 years ago, he came from a background of music videos, and I think that’s why I like his style so much. It is quick, bright and exciting. (I suddenly wonder what he thinks of films like Sucker Punch and Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.)

The film, in a nutshell, is about a boy who is basically afraid of everything. He is picked on and he is kinda weird. He has this bombshell of a babysitter and one night he decided to stay up to see what she does when he sleeps… only to discover she and her friends are part of this satanic cult. Very interesting premise.

It gave me a little bit of a Jennifer’s Body tease (and I don’t care what anyone says, that film was before it’s time and I will fight you if you say otherwise.) and, being a Joss Whedon fan, I can’t help but adore a film that has quirky dialogue.

I do wish some things had been explained more, like, the how’s and why’s the cult came to be (it’s briefly touched on, but I wanted more), but other than that, it was a very fun ride and from what I’ve seen, it has been doing well with critics and viewers alike.

I also read that McG bought this script after discovering it on the 2014 Black List of unproduced scripts. The Black List is a list of “most liked” scripts for the year. From my understanding, development executives rate the scripts and they are ranked based on how many likes they get.

A dream of mine would be for McG to buy a script of mine, as his directing style would suit my writing style.

Watching the film, along with other series of recent events, made me realize if I compare myself to the great writers, I’ll never get any writing done. When I was younger, I didn’t think about winning awards or anything like that, I just loved writing stories, and I can tell in films like The Babysitter, there is love and passion for the story.

A problem I have in all aspects of my life is not being able to let go and let loose. My writing was the one place I was free. I think the more I learned about screenwriting, the more I wanted my writing to be prestigious, and maybe that is why I’ve been losing my passion for writing? It’s slowly coming back to me as I remember how to let go again, at least when it comes to writing.

This film made me so happy, not just because it was a fun ride, but because it reminded me that there is space in the industry for everyone to write/produce/direct what they love, and they right people who love it too will find it. It makes me excited about my future writing endeavors.

Black Swan

Black Swan is easily one of my top three favorite films, if not number one. I’ve never really been into ballet, but it is such a beautiful story, and I’ve had an interest in the concept of doppelgangers since I was very young.

If I had to pick a single movie I relate to the most, it would be Black Swan. A lot of the time, I feel like the Nina/White Swan. For those who don’t know the story, the film is about a production of Swan Lake. A princess is turned into a swan and true love will break the curse, however her prince falls for the black swan, thinking it is her, and she kills herself to find freedom.

In the film, Nina, is meek and rather child-like, her dancing is all about precision and perfection. She is perfect for the White Swan, but the dancer must also be the Black Swan, who is more about passion and seduction. Nina wins the role of the White/Black Swan, and the film is basically her descent into madness due to the stress of the role and trying to find her inner Black Swan.

Lily, a new girl, is Nina’s Black Swan. She is perfect for the role of the Black Swan because she embodies traits Nina doesn’t. Where Nina has precision, Lily has passion. Where Nina is rigid, Lily is relaxed. Though never explicitly stated in the film, I think Nina envies Lily and wishes she were her, or at least more like her.

It’s funny, I don’t remember having any interest in the film, at least none I can remember. I saw it in theaters with a dear friend of mine, and I think I just went because he’d invited me, and now I love it.

I relate to Nina because I have a hard time letting go and relaxing. I liken my idea of perfection to hers. My idea of perfection is to master technique and be emotionless, but for one needs passion and emotional vulnerability.

I’ve recently watched several videos analyzing the film, and one felt it was a film about growing up, which I liked. Nina is the young and innocent one and Lily is the mature one. The theory was that once you grow up, you can never go back to being the innocent White Swan you once were.

I think I prefer the idea of Nina failing because she wasn’t able to successfully combine the attributes of the White and Black Swan. By attempting to destroy one, she destroys herself.

Less Than Zero

I decided to watch this film because it has been on my Netflix list for a while and it was only available until March 1st, so I figured I might as well get it over with.

A few years ago, I read the book it is very loosely based upon. I knew the movie is a very watered down version, which is why I hesitated to watch, but I enjoyed it. Perhaps because it has been so long since I read the book, I couldn’t accurately compare the two, or perhaps because going into it I expected to be disappointed, so my expectations were low. I also knew it was loosely based on the book, so perhaps that helped me judge it as its own entity.

Long story short, the book and film are about a guy who comes home for the holidays from college and his disillusionment with that world… and the world in general. I stumbled upon this book, as I knew it was the same author as American Psycho and Rules of Attraction. That same day, I also bought another book, I can’t remember the name of it and am too lazy to get out of bed and get it, but it was a memoir that gave me a similar vibe. Both books included a guy addicted to drugs and selling his body. (I got up and got the book, it is called Assuming the Position.)

I bought three books that day, Less Than Zero, Assuming the Position and The Side of Paradise and they all had a disillusionment about the world that I also felt that summer I read them.

In the film, Clay is your moral compass. It makes sense, as in a film, you need someone to empathize with, ideally the protagonist, as you become that person, in a sense, for the duration of the film. In the book, he is more or less as bad as Blair and Julius. All they do is party, drink, have sex (most characters are bisexual), and do drugs. It’s interesting because I vividly remember reading parts of the book and seeing them as scenes in Nowhere, a film by Gregg Araki that I love that has a similar tone, only Less Than Zero was written almost ten years earlier.

Anyway, from what I read, the book had a difficult time being translated to film, if you read the book, you’d understand why. It is a really bleak look at what it is like to have more money than one should have, to be young and hot and have nothing to do and nothing to look forward to.

I loved Robert Downey Jr’s performance. From what I’ve read, the general consensus is he is the best part of the film.

I’ve always had a fondness for the 80s, maybe because I was born at the end of the decade, so all I know is the glamorous version from TV and movies. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been had I been a teenage in the 80s or 90s. And now I have an urge to re-read the book.

Call Me By Your Name

Let’s just get right to it, I was quite confused about this film up until maybe the last half (or last third.) Perhaps confused isn’t the right word… I thought the story would go a bit differently. However, when Elio and Oliver finally get together and have a conversation about the summer long seduction, it cleared the air, a bit, for me.

Up until that point, it appeared, at least to me, to be more teasing and lustful and romantic, which ruined the idea I had in regards to the plot of the film. I will admit, I did like that the film didn’t resort to explicit sex scenes, as gay films tend to do. I really enjoyed the sensuality of the scenes with Elio and Oliver, especially when they were alone and could touch and kiss. There was a passion there.

I suppose some of the problems I had with the film come from me living in 2018 and this taking place in 1983. It seemed odd that they couldn’t express their attraction to each other. I’m still a little confused as why they weren’t more open about it in the confined of Elio’s home, as his parents had gay friends and were open minded and accepting after the fact (so it wasn’t even like the age difference was a big thing.)

The speech the dad gives Elio really hit me in the feels. I know I can relate to wanting to feel nothing for fear of risking being vulnerable and being hurt, which kinda defeats the purpose of living and seems a waste of the human experience. It goes back to the Shadow Self. One side of me longs for connection, openness and vulnerability and the other side of me enjoys the keeping people at a distance and keeping my emotions deep down inside.

Watching the film made me think of, well, I don’t want to say my first love, as I’ve never been in love, and not even my first experience with a man, but I think it was my first time feeling genuine romantic feelings for someone. It was 2010, I believe, and I, like I imagine countless others, had made gay friends online. A few I chatted with expressed interest, but they lived so far away, I never entertained the thought (maybe some other time I’ll tell the story of a British guy I would chat with.)

However, fate had it this guy would come to Phoenix, and he was going to be in town a few days and wanted to meet up. I figured why not, as we’d chatted for quite some time. My friends and I went out to the bar that night and he met us there. He almost didn’t, as he was having trouble finding the place.

We danced and drank and I introduced him to my friends. One of the things I liked most about him was his assertiveness. Which is still something that attracts me to a guy. I also liked how his attention was devoted to me. I remember us standing with my friends and him holding my hand, but unless you were paying close attention, you wouldn’t realize we were holding hands. Sweet little things like that.

We danced, and I think I remember him being a really good dancer. He kept trying to kiss me on the dance floor, and I would maneuver away. It’s not that I didn’t want to kiss him, I was just really nervous. Eventually, with all my maneuvering, I’d backed myself into a corner and had nowhere else to go, and he kissed me, and I really liked it.

Though I came with friends to the bar that night, I went home with him. On the drive, we held hands (I don’t think I’ve held hands with a guy while he drove since, and I’d really like that again) and at the red lights we’d have a little make out session. He ended up staying a few days longer than intended, and I brought him around my friends more and, I felt really happy and really in like, but it was something I knew wouldn’t last, as we only had a few days together.

I think the last night he was in town, we were laying in bed together, I think we’d watched some movie or another, and I suddenly turned away from him. I got really upset because I knew it was almost over, and my response to emotions is to shut down. He could tell something was wrong and reassured me that just because he was leaving didn’t mean it would be the end (which wasn’t true, but it neither here nor there.)

I called him a few days after he left. The day he left I was sad and moped in my room. I could tell our moment had passed. He casually brought up another guy and I kinda left it at that (I’m not one to compete for someone’s attention.) Oddly enough, I end up accepting an invitation to go on a date shortly thereafter, and that rebound turned into my first (or two, so far) boyfriends… but that’s a story for another time.

The call Elio and Oliver have at the end of the film reminded me of the conversation I had with that guy, to an extent. Oliver, in my opinion, was Elio’s first love. If I had to pick, of the men of romances past, I would say this guy was my first love… but maybe I haven’t encountered him yet? Who knows. Anyway, this ended up being a bit more of a trip down memory lane than about the film, but so be it.

I Am Michael

I heard about this film when it was being made, but didn’t pay that much attention to it. I think a lot of the talk was speculation of Franco’s sexuality due to his choice of roles at the time. A friend recommended it to me a while back, and I added it to my Netflix queue, but still didn’t know what it was about. I was told it would make my cry, so, for some reason, my mind assumed it would be a story from the 80s or 90s about the AIDS crisis. How I came to that conclusion, I don’t know.

I didn’t learn what it was about until tonight when I finally read the little Netflix blurb before watching. Long story short, a guy named Michael renounces his homosexuality (and role as a gay activist) for religion.

I found it very interesting. I thought Franco and Quinto did an amazing job. Though I was perplexed by Michael, I found him to be sympathetic, which is important in this kind of film.

It made me think of my own life and my views of religion, and history with religion. I don’t consider myself to be a religious person. I believe in some higher power, but I don’t think of a God in the way religion does.

When I was growing up, my mom took my sisters and I to church pretty much every Sunday. And for a long time we went to Kingdom Hall (Jehovah’s Witness), so a lot of my childhood I was taught that being gay was wrong and you’d go to hell, etc. Which is interesting because all the while, I had gay people on my block and I looked up to them. And in some ways, subconsciously, I don’t think I fully rid myself of that torn feeling (which likely explains me being such a prude and my fascination with the Shadow Self.)

After, there was a short documentary, Michael Lost and Found, (I didn’t expect it to only be 18 minutes), where the real Michael and Benji reunite (prompted by the making of the film.) It was interesting and a bit heartbreaking, as it seemed something that really hurt Benji was when Michael turned his back on being gay, he didn’t just turn his back on their 10 year relationship, he also turned his back all all the gay kids he’d helped (and those he probably saved from suicide) through their magazine, which promoted awareness and acceptance of homosexuality. I did really like that they were able to come together and try to talk through what happened and where they are now.

The film also made me think about how I want to do more. I don’t just want to write scripts, I want to be able to help people (and maybe my scripts can help people, I don’t know.) But to see these stories of people who were in their early 20s with such passion and drive to make a difference in the world and really help me… it makes me want to do the same.