Queer As Folk Season 1

Queer as Folk was my introduction to gay TV at the tender age of 18 and it shaped how I thought the “gay world” would be, which never really came to pass, at least not for me. Season 1 is an introduction to the characters, and I really enjoyed them all… except Justin. Though at that time, he should have been the one I related to the most, at least age-wise, Michael was the one I identified with and I had such a crush on Hal Sparks because of Michael. Michael’s relationships have always been my goals. I think I also identified with Brian, though only on an emotional level. He showed people he cared in his own ways but was not one to wear his heart on his sleeve.

It’s funny, this time around, I find myself a lot more attracted to Ted than I think I’ve ever been. Even for the “ugly” older friend, he is pretty fit and I could see myself with a Ted these days, though Michael would still be #1.

At 18, I’d never been to a club, I’d barely touched alcohol, and I was 100% a virgin, so it was interesting to see a show that included so much partying and sex. I liked the idea of a core group of friends that did everything together. I thought once I finally entered the “gay” world I’d find that group.

Something that really bothered me about season 1 is something that would bother me again later down the road. Buffy is my favorite show, and I never felt the characters did anything out of character for the sake of the story and I believe that is why I judge other shows so harshly. My biggest issue with season 1 is Emmett making a promise to God to never sleep with another man if he is negative after a HIV scare. I understand why they wanted to tell this story, but it felt like a story that should have been told through someone else.

Emmett is the “queeniest” of the group. He has always been the way he was. He doesn’t appear to be religious, I don’t recall him bringing up religion and/or God often, if ever again. Also, his promise was never to sleep with another man again, but that somehow converts to him trying to be straight. It just didn’t make any sense to me, other than the writers wanting to tell the story of conversion groups. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to discuss, but I needed more to make me believe the one of the group who seems most proud to be gay would try to become straight. Other than that (and a lack of diversity), I really love this first season and the show in general.

I remember expecting to see clubs and bars like Babylon when I came out and only finding BS West. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun at BS West, but it was no Babylon. It wasn’t until my first time in San Diego, for San Diego Pride, that I discovered Rich’s, which is still Babylon to me.

It’s also strange to watch a show that had 20+ episodes per season, as I’m so used to shows having around 13.

Finally, the season finale. It was brutal on my emotions. I think seeing Justin get hit affected me more now as an adult, as seeing things like Pulse and real bashing in the news, than it did the first time. When I was 18, I didn’t know anything about gay bashings. It was also one of the first moments when Brian breaks his guard and shows he truly cares for Justin.

Now I’m midway through Season 2 and still loving it (I can’t decide who I am more like, Ben or Michael, but theirs is my favorite relationship of the series.)

Queer As Folk S2: Ep. 8

So, I’ve been rewatching the series and will likely write a review of sorts of each season, but I wanted to focus this piece on this particular episode, and a particular moment in this episode which explains why I hate Justin.

From the beginning, Justin was my least favorite character. I found him immature, naive and quite the stalker, he was like the Dawn (from Buffy) of this series, I personally couldn’t find any redeeming qualities. To his credit, I did like that he was like an encyclopedia, which allowed the writers to add pertinent information, like statistics to support the argument of another character, through him, though there was never much discussion, if any, as to how he learned or retained all this information. That aspect of him reminds me of someone I know. He can tell you about just about anything and I enjoy listening to him tell me these random facts he just retains.

In this episode, Justin is convinced he needs to meet people his own age, so he goes to this party and ends up sleeping with this guy who is a virgin. Justin and Brian have rules for their relationship, one of which being that they can not kiss people on the mouth. However, feeling guilty when the guy (I don’t remember if he was even given a name) tries to kiss him after they sleep together, he gives in and kisses him.

The next day, Brian kisses Justin and tells he kissed someone else, so now Justin feels guilty. The guy comes to the diner to find Justin and tells him they have a connection and he loves Justin and Justin tells him never to come back there and that he is acting like a pathetic little fairy.

The main reason I hate this scene is that he is such a hypocrite. The only reason he and Brian are together is he wore him down and was persistent. He clearly fell in love with Brian after Brian took his virginity, so it seems illogical for him to not understand it could happen if he takes someone’s virginity (as it happened in S1 with Daphne.) It also felt a little out of character. Justin could be moody and emotional, but he was rarely mean without reason. I assume he does this so the guy doesn’t pursue him like he pursued Brian, but I think it was ultimately because he felt guilty about breaking his rules with Brian and was taking his anger out on the guy.

I know it is just a tv show, but it made me so angry and sad for him, as you never see him again. I wanted the character to come back later and be some sort of antagonist or something. Justin could have taken him in as a friend, as Brian’s friends took him in the year before. Part of me also wonders if Justin saw himself in that guy and didn’t want the competition or it was his chance to lash out at himself over his behavior to finally get Brian to like him back.

I guess I felt so bad for that guy because I relate to him a lot. He didn’t want to sleep with a lot of guys, he was just looking for someone special, and he thought he’d found that in Justin (I’m assuming him being a virgin didn’t help, though I never developed feelings for the guy who took my virginity), and he was wrong. I get wanting to make more of something than it is and maybe developing feelings for someone faster than you should, which is part of why I keep my distance, emotionally, from people.

At this point, his story was more interesting to me than Justin’s. I wanted to know what happened to him after he was told never to come back. They live in a small town. Did he finally end up going out (as he seemed like he was still in the closet), did he become a heartbreaker?

I think I would have felt differently if the guy hadn’t been a virgin, as Justin took Daphne’s virginity and she got emotionally attached to him after, even after they said things wouldn’t get weird, so he really should have known better than to sleep with another virgin. And to outright banish the kid from the diner too. It was just overall shitty and it pushed me from disliking Justin to hating him.

Altered Carbon

I’ll start by saying I love cyberpunk and film noir, so I am a little shocked and disappointed that I didn’t give this show a chance sooner. I remember seeing advertisements along Santa Monica Blvd that looked like real people encased on the sides of bus stops, but other than that, I wasn’t really sure what it was about.

I watched the first episode a few weeks ago, and I instantly thought it was a lesser version of Dollhouse, and I was incredibly mistaken. I don’t know if one is better than the other, as I love both for different reasons. I do wonder what Dollhouse could have been had it been a Netflix show rather than Fox, but that’s a different topic for a different blog.

The first episode confused me a bit. There was a lot of information to take in, but something I learned from being a Whedon fan (though this is not a Whedon show) is sometimes you have to let a show warm up a little bit, and I found myself hooked by the third episode.

I’m going to try not to spoil anything and just go into the things I really loved about the show. One, I love, love, LOVE Dichen Lachman. I first discovered her in Dollhouse and for some reason, I expected her to just have a side role (don’t ask me why I thought that), but she was pretty integral and I loved her character. I thought the acting, in general, was done really well. I felt I cared for all the characters, be they good, bad or in-between, though aside from Rei (Dichen’s character), my favorite character is Poe, an AI inspired by Edgar Allen Poe with a fascination with humanity.

One of the things that drew me to Dollhouse was the theme of what makes one human, and Altered Carbon also asks this question, though I fell the two shows went about it in different ways. Altered Carbon is definitely more violent and sexual than Dollhouse was (and even if Whedon had made Dollhouse on Netflix, I don’t see a lot of violence and sex being his thing.) In Dollhouse, it is a secret from the world that there are dolls. Dolls are blank slates of people, people who willingly, most of the time, signed away a set amount of time to live as dolls. Who they are is wiped from their body and stored away and they are imprinted with personalities for engagements, which are usually sexual. After the engagement, they are wiped and go back to the infantile doll state. Dollhouse is all about exposing the Dollhouse exists, led by Agent Paul Ballard, played by Tahmoh Penikett, who is also in Altered Carbon. (Sidenote, learning Dichen and Tahmoh were in Altered Carbon is what made me decide to start watching.) Dollhouse is also about the client favorite, Echo, played by Eliza Dushku, starting to remember engagements even after being wiped.

Altered Carbon is more like the Epitaph episodes of Dollhouse. The technology is out there already and widely used and the world has changed. We start with Takeshi Kovacs being killed, and then he wakes up 250 (I believe) years later. Everyone has a slack, which is essentially what makes them who they are, and they can be implanted into sleeves (bodies). So long as the slack remains intact, the person can just go from sleeve to sleeve.

The concept is so fascinating to me because it really questions what makes you, well, you. Is it your body or is it something more. You inevitably get to the question of the soul. Would I still be the exact same person if I were in a different body, and what if that body had originally belonged to someone else? How would that alter my interactions with people? As the show progresses, you learn that Takeshi’s new sleeve is no accident and it does affect how he is treated.

Something else I found fascinating, and both Dollhouse and Altered Carbon touch on this, but I’m hoping maybe Altered Carbon will get a chance to explore it further, is the concept of love in the world full of dolls/sleeves. One example from Altered Carbon, as it is fresher in my mind, is a mom is resleeved, but in a man’s body. She has a husband, and when they reunite, Poe says something about love transcending all, and they do continue their relationship, despite her being cross-sleeved. In Dollhouse, a male doll in imprinted with a female personality (I can’t remember the why at this moment), but in the Dollhouse universe, multiple dolls can be imprinted with the same personality (one of my favorites was episode 4 of season 1, called Gray Hour. Echo and Sierra, Dichen’s character, are imprinted with a personality that reminded me a lot of Faith, my favorite Buffy character.) In Dollhouse it seemed more for comedic effect though. It really makes you, or at least me, think, if you love someone and they come back in a different body or their body alters in some way, would you still love them? (And I would really like to see someone reference that part of the show in an argument for the LGBT community in a paper or something.)

There are two criticisms the show had that I would like to address before I move forward. One was whitewashing and the other was violence, particularly against women. When I first watched the first episode, it did bother me that a man named Takeshi was being played by a white man. I thought if it is all about sleeves not mattering, why not make the sleeve another Asian man? From my understanding, as I did not read the book, and just learned it is based on a book, this is done intentionally, as part of his conflict and coming to terms with being an Asian man in a white man’s body. Also, aside from that, the cast on this show is quite diverse.

As for the violence, there is quite a bit of violence, and quite a bit of it done against women, and lots of naked women (though there were bits of full front naked men, which is quite surprising for an American production.) I don’t want to say it didn’t bother me because violence against women always bothers me, but I felt it was done intentionally as well. There are a lot of sex workers in this world, and they tend to get mistreated, even killed, as so long as their slack is intact, they can be given a new sleeve and continue on. For me, it made the final episode that much more rewarding to see those in power pay for what they had done (again, can’t give too much without spoilers.)

I felt both shows did an interesting job of discussing gender and class. In Dollhouse, though there are male dolls, a majority of the dolls you see are female. In Altered Carbon, though everyone has slacks, the sex workers are mainly female. You don’t see a male one until the final scenes of the finale (I hope it is just the season one finale, and not the end of the series.) In Dollhouse, as it is a secret organization, one must have a lot of money to be a client. In Altered Carbon, it is more about, even though everyone is essentially immortal, there is still a way to divide the haves from the have-nots. The Meths (I don’t know if that was short for something) are wealthy, they live in the sky, above the poor people. It made me think a bit about The Time Machine. They have more wealth than can be imagined, have the best sleeves and even clones of themselves. The show is really about how that wealth mixed with immortality causes them to lose their humanity.

There is also a relationship that felt a bit incestuous to me, but it is hard to explain it without spoilers. I will just say, there is a particular relationship that reminded me of Flowers in the Attic. I saw the film but didn’t read the book. In the film, a group of siblings, two boys, and two girls, are locked in an attic by their mom and become a family unit of sorts. As such, the oldest two, a boy and girl, become the mom and dad to the youngest two. In the book, I believe it leads to an actual romantic and sexual relationship between the two. Anyway, there is a brother-sister relationship, and I felt the sister’s love for her brother was more than just, well, brotherly. She was extremely jealous of any woman he showed interested in, and at one point she is in the sleeve of one of these women. It made her character all the more interesting, and I wonder if it had to do with them being abused and orphaned as children, and as such, having to be the mom and dad, much like the older kids in Flowers in the Attic, but that may be me just reading too much into it.

All in all, I’m glad I watched it, and I’m glad I gave it a second chance, as after watching the first episode the first time, I didn’t think I would watch it again. From what I hear, there is going to be a second season, though Joel Kinnaman may not be in it, despite playing Takeshi Kovacs, the lead character. However, in a show about people being slacks, not the sleeves they inhabit, the entire cast could change if they really wanted to do so.

The Broken Hearts Club

I find it interesting how certain things or people can come into your life with perfect timing. The other night I was randomly re-watching Queer as Folk. That show meant (and still means) so much to me. It helped me on my journey towards coming out. It was 2006 and I’d just turned 18 when I was introduced to the show by my college roommate. He was gay, and I got to ask him a lot of questions I hadn’t been able to ask before. Anyway, the show is comforting to me, but also reminds me of how I thought life would be once I came out versus how it actually was.

That same night, I watched the first episode of Santa Clarita Diet, which I really enjoyed, with a friend, and seeing Timothy Olyphant, made him think of The Broken Hearts Club, so we watched that after, as I’ve never watched it before. Sidenote, I find Timothy much more attractive now than then, not that he wasn’t attractive back then, but he’s grown finer with age.

I think I’d heard of the movie before, I just never got around to watching it. Even before I was 18 and on my own, I tried to get my hands on LGBT film and TV, I suppose in a way to seek comfort or reassurance that it was normal and everything would be ok. Around 20, right around the time I came out, this kicked into overdrive. I’d search Wikipedia and IMDB for gay films and find them and watch them. Side note, Latter Days still makes me cry because the end was finally the moment when I realized I was gay and it was ok.

It took a little bit for me to get into the film, as it is dated, to say the least, but I became intrigued when it was brought to my attention that they live in West Hollywood. For those who don’t know, so do I (two years in May), and it was interesting to see what it looked like back in 2000 (well, I imagine the film was filmed in 1999.)

A part of me wishes I had been an adult in the 90s. My friend was in his early twenties when the film came out, he saw it in theaters. He’s a wealth of random information, which proved useful as he was able to tell me where things were shot and what they were referring to if they referenced a certain movie or store. I think me wanting to be an adult (or maybe teen) in the 90s is a grass is greener on the other side situation. I mean, would I have had more fun, as I tell myself, would living in a different time somehow make me a different person?

Thanks to Queer as Folk, I longed for a core group of gay friends for a very long time, even before that, I’d longed to belong to a core group. It never really worked out for me. I was able to move in and out of friend groups, some that couldn’t stand others, but didn’t belong to one solely. I realize as I’m the common denominator in these equations, it must be me, but I never really figured it out and no one has brought it to my attention. I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in, and perhaps I manifested it through that thinking. Nonetheless, I thought I’d come out, find three gay friends and we would do everything together… and it didn’t quite work out that way.

The Broken Hearts Club reminded me of how I felt when I first started watching Queer as Folk. I related the most to Kevin, though I’ve been out almost 10 years now, I still find myself learning and trying to navigate the gay world. I relate to his naivety in falling for someone because of a hook up (which may explain why I avoid them.)

It’s fascinating, and I talked about this in the G.B.F post, but a lot of gay men come out and go through a hookup phase. Like Dennis says in the film, he is 28 and wasn’t able to be gay for 25 years, so he had time to make up for. I never had that phase, and I often wonder if that is something to be thankful for or to regret.

I think a problem with being a writer is I always have these grand ideas, as my imagination tends to run wild, and real life tends to pale in comparison. It’s odd, Queer as Folk and The Broken Hearts Club bot have a bittersweet effect on me. They comfort me, as I see it is possible to develop meaningful relationships with other gay men (not to say I haven’t done so, as I do have some close gay male friends), but I also feel in some way that I have and am wasting my youth.

One of my favorite films is Nowhere, it is this 90s film that is really hard to explain, I’ll have to re-watch it and write a post about it. Rachel True, whom I LOVE, is in the film, and she is dating a guy, but they are both bi and have an open relationship, though he wishes to be monogamous. She essentially tells him that our bodies are for connecting with other people and she wants to do that now before she is old and no one wants her anymore. That always stuck with me, though I’ve done very little to implement that philosophy into my own life.

Back in my early gay Phoenix years, my friends would joke about me being asexual, and I think that has come up here in West Hollywood too. And, in all honesty, sex scares me for a number of reasons. I’m afraid to catch something, I’m afraid I’ll be terrible due to lack of experience, I’m afraid of expecting more or growing attached, and I’m afraid of intimacy. A lot of people can have casual sex, but I’m not one of those people.

This one time, years ago, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was hanging with some friends. One, in particular, was always flirting, and there were drinks involved and I sought solace. It started innocently enough, just touching and being close, nothing sexual, as we were in the living room and other people were around. Then it got late and it was time for bed and I went in his room with him and cuddling lead to kissing and that led to close coming off, but when it came time to, well, do it, I was so scared for some reason, I was literally trembling. I wasn’t afraid of him, I’d known him a while and found him very attractive, and he hadn’t pressured me or forced me into anything. I was just scared (and he was a gentleman about it and we just cuddled the rest of the night, which was nice.)

One may think, one doesn’t have to have casual sex, one can go on dates and whatnot, well I don’t do that either. And I just keep thinking of Rachel’s character in Nowhere and wondering if I am wasting my youth. I’m not blaming it on anyone other than myself, I don’t put myself out there or flirt or ask anyone out or any of that stuff because that also scares me. A have a lot of fear hindering my life, perhaps why I sense I’ll regret my wasted youth.

Queer as Folk made me think I’d come out and get all this attention but that was not the case (though I did get some attention.) And for some reason, despite it not happening in Phoenix, I thought it would happen here in West Hollywood upon moving here, and again, not the case (though I did get some attention.) That being said, I feel we all mature at our own pace, some slower than others. I feel that I am finally starting to learn who I am as a person. Focusing more on writing these days has also helped me to focus more on what I like about myself, what I’d like to improve upon, and what issues and insecurities I need to work through to become the best me.

This one ended up being more about me than the film, which I suppose is ok. I’ve rambled on long enough. Part of me wishes I’d watched it sooner. I wish I’d been more comfortable with being gay sooner, and in some ways, I’m not sure if I’m completely comfortable with it yet, but that’s another post for another day.

G.B.F

The first time I heard of G.B.F, there was a lot of controversy over the rating. I’m not completely familiar with what takes a film from a PG-13 rating to an R, but many people, at least the people of Tumblr, felt it was given an R rating because its content was gay. If I remember correctly, you can only say “fuck” once in a PG-13 film, and I don’t believe that is ever said in the film, not that the use of that word is the only criteria.

Nonetheless, I stumbled upon the film later one summer Netflix binge day and I fell in love. Around that time, I was really into teen dramas, such as Awkward. That show made me realize I wish I’d had that high school experience, where you have a first love and date and what not. I think many gay people around my age can relate. I also really enjoyed this idealistic teenage life of living in a beautiful house in sunny California, going shopping with friends on the weekends and having not a care in the world.

What I love about G.B.F is even five years later, it is still fresh and unlike anything I’ve seen before or after. I’m also a sucker for witty dialogue and I love the use of color throughout the film. Not to mention, it is a really cute coming out story that I think can resonate with a lot of young people.

One thing I really liked about the film was how it played with the expectation of Tanner and Brent getting together. I personally wanted them too, I think they had great chemistry, and maybe I’ve watched one too many teen drama where the best friends end up together. I understood the confusion that can come with gay friendships.

I read somewhere that a lot of gay men spend their twenties catching up on things straight people learned in their late teens (romantically and sexually), I don’t think I ever got to that catch up point or I feel I may be just about to enter it (and I’ll be thirty in five months and two days, not that anyone’s counting.) I’m still in a stage where I’m fine holding hands, kissing and/or cuddling (and would honestly prefer that to any attempt at a sexual encounter), so teen movies like this are sweet because it’s what I want right now.

My favorite part of the film is when there is a slo-mo walk down a hall after Tanner gets his gay makeover. “Anything Can Happen” by Ellie Goulding is playing, and that song makes me so very happy. This one time, back when I lived in South Phoenix, my roommate was gone and I was in the house by myself and I was deeply sad about something, I can’t even remember what, I just remember having a drink and dancing around the house blasting that song on repeat. It’s so funny how music can change your spirit. Then I saw this film and now when I hear the song I think of that scene and I think of that night when I danced my blues away.

If you haven’t watched it, you should. It is a little cheesy at times, but all around delightful, witty and funny.

The Babysitter

I randomly heard of this film a few months ago when I saw a billboard for it on Sunset Blvd while walking home. What caught my attention was McG directed it. I’ve been a fan of his since the first Charlie’s Angels film, so I knew at the very least, I would be visually entertained.

I can’t explain why it took me so long to finally get around to it (though it took less time than Deadpool.) I’m glad I finally did. It was insane, it was witty and I loved every moment of it.

I remember researching who McG was after watching the first Charlie’s Angels film, that film was probably my favorite film as a pre-teen. I loved everything about it. From what I remember, as I did this research almost 20 years ago, he came from a background of music videos, and I think that’s why I like his style so much. It is quick, bright and exciting. (I suddenly wonder what he thinks of films like Sucker Punch and Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.)

The film, in a nutshell, is about a boy who is basically afraid of everything. He is picked on and he is kinda weird. He has this bombshell of a babysitter and one night he decided to stay up to see what she does when he sleeps… only to discover she and her friends are part of this satanic cult. Very interesting premise.

It gave me a little bit of a Jennifer’s Body tease (and I don’t care what anyone says, that film was before it’s time and I will fight you if you say otherwise.) and, being a Joss Whedon fan, I can’t help but adore a film that has quirky dialogue.

I do wish some things had been explained more, like, the how’s and why’s the cult came to be (it’s briefly touched on, but I wanted more), but other than that, it was a very fun ride and from what I’ve seen, it has been doing well with critics and viewers alike.

I also read that McG bought this script after discovering it on the 2014 Black List of unproduced scripts. The Black List is a list of “most liked” scripts for the year. From my understanding, development executives rate the scripts and they are ranked based on how many likes they get.

A dream of mine would be for McG to buy a script of mine, as his directing style would suit my writing style.

Watching the film, along with other series of recent events, made me realize if I compare myself to the great writers, I’ll never get any writing done. When I was younger, I didn’t think about winning awards or anything like that, I just loved writing stories, and I can tell in films like The Babysitter, there is love and passion for the story.

A problem I have in all aspects of my life is not being able to let go and let loose. My writing was the one place I was free. I think the more I learned about screenwriting, the more I wanted my writing to be prestigious, and maybe that is why I’ve been losing my passion for writing? It’s slowly coming back to me as I remember how to let go again, at least when it comes to writing.

This film made me so happy, not just because it was a fun ride, but because it reminded me that there is space in the industry for everyone to write/produce/direct what they love, and they right people who love it too will find it. It makes me excited about my future writing endeavors.

Black Swan

Black Swan is easily one of my top three favorite films, if not number one. I’ve never really been into ballet, but it is such a beautiful story, and I’ve had an interest in the concept of doppelgangers since I was very young.

If I had to pick a single movie I relate to the most, it would be Black Swan. A lot of the time, I feel like the Nina/White Swan. For those who don’t know the story, the film is about a production of Swan Lake. A princess is turned into a swan and true love will break the curse, however her prince falls for the black swan, thinking it is her, and she kills herself to find freedom.

In the film, Nina, is meek and rather child-like, her dancing is all about precision and perfection. She is perfect for the White Swan, but the dancer must also be the Black Swan, who is more about passion and seduction. Nina wins the role of the White/Black Swan, and the film is basically her descent into madness due to the stress of the role and trying to find her inner Black Swan.

Lily, a new girl, is Nina’s Black Swan. She is perfect for the role of the Black Swan because she embodies traits Nina doesn’t. Where Nina has precision, Lily has passion. Where Nina is rigid, Lily is relaxed. Though never explicitly stated in the film, I think Nina envies Lily and wishes she were her, or at least more like her.

It’s funny, I don’t remember having any interest in the film, at least none I can remember. I saw it in theaters with a dear friend of mine, and I think I just went because he’d invited me, and now I love it.

I relate to Nina because I have a hard time letting go and relaxing. I liken my idea of perfection to hers. My idea of perfection is to master technique and be emotionless, but for one needs passion and emotional vulnerability.

I’ve recently watched several videos analyzing the film, and one felt it was a film about growing up, which I liked. Nina is the young and innocent one and Lily is the mature one. The theory was that once you grow up, you can never go back to being the innocent White Swan you once were.

I think I prefer the idea of Nina failing because she wasn’t able to successfully combine the attributes of the White and Black Swan. By attempting to destroy one, she destroys herself.

Less Than Zero

I decided to watch this film because it has been on my Netflix list for a while and it was only available until March 1st, so I figured I might as well get it over with.

A few years ago, I read the book it is very loosely based upon. I knew the movie is a very watered down version, which is why I hesitated to watch, but I enjoyed it. Perhaps because it has been so long since I read the book, I couldn’t accurately compare the two, or perhaps because going into it I expected to be disappointed, so my expectations were low. I also knew it was loosely based on the book, so perhaps that helped me judge it as its own entity.

Long story short, the book and film are about a guy who comes home for the holidays from college and his disillusionment with that world… and the world in general. I stumbled upon this book, as I knew it was the same author as American Psycho and Rules of Attraction. That same day, I also bought another book, I can’t remember the name of it and am too lazy to get out of bed and get it, but it was a memoir that gave me a similar vibe. Both books included a guy addicted to drugs and selling his body. (I got up and got the book, it is called Assuming the Position.)

I bought three books that day, Less Than Zero, Assuming the Position and The Side of Paradise and they all had a disillusionment about the world that I also felt that summer I read them.

In the film, Clay is your moral compass. It makes sense, as in a film, you need someone to empathize with, ideally the protagonist, as you become that person, in a sense, for the duration of the film. In the book, he is more or less as bad as Blair and Julius. All they do is party, drink, have sex (most characters are bisexual), and do drugs. It’s interesting because I vividly remember reading parts of the book and seeing them as scenes in Nowhere, a film by Gregg Araki that I love that has a similar tone, only Less Than Zero was written almost ten years earlier.

Anyway, from what I read, the book had a difficult time being translated to film, if you read the book, you’d understand why. It is a really bleak look at what it is like to have more money than one should have, to be young and hot and have nothing to do and nothing to look forward to.

I loved Robert Downey Jr’s performance. From what I’ve read, the general consensus is he is the best part of the film.

I’ve always had a fondness for the 80s, maybe because I was born at the end of the decade, so all I know is the glamorous version from TV and movies. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been had I been a teenage in the 80s or 90s. And now I have an urge to re-read the book.

Call Me By Your Name

Let’s just get right to it, I was quite confused about this film up until maybe the last half (or last third.) Perhaps confused isn’t the right word… I thought the story would go a bit differently. However, when Elio and Oliver finally get together and have a conversation about the summer long seduction, it cleared the air, a bit, for me.

Up until that point, it appeared, at least to me, to be more teasing and lustful and romantic, which ruined the idea I had in regards to the plot of the film. I will admit, I did like that the film didn’t resort to explicit sex scenes, as gay films tend to do. I really enjoyed the sensuality of the scenes with Elio and Oliver, especially when they were alone and could touch and kiss. There was a passion there.

I suppose some of the problems I had with the film come from me living in 2018 and this taking place in 1983. It seemed odd that they couldn’t express their attraction to each other. I’m still a little confused as why they weren’t more open about it in the confined of Elio’s home, as his parents had gay friends and were open minded and accepting after the fact (so it wasn’t even like the age difference was a big thing.)

The speech the dad gives Elio really hit me in the feels. I know I can relate to wanting to feel nothing for fear of risking being vulnerable and being hurt, which kinda defeats the purpose of living and seems a waste of the human experience. It goes back to the Shadow Self. One side of me longs for connection, openness and vulnerability and the other side of me enjoys the keeping people at a distance and keeping my emotions deep down inside.

Watching the film made me think of, well, I don’t want to say my first love, as I’ve never been in love, and not even my first experience with a man, but I think it was my first time feeling genuine romantic feelings for someone. It was 2010, I believe, and I, like I imagine countless others, had made gay friends online. A few I chatted with expressed interest, but they lived so far away, I never entertained the thought (maybe some other time I’ll tell the story of a British guy I would chat with.)

However, fate had it this guy would come to Phoenix, and he was going to be in town a few days and wanted to meet up. I figured why not, as we’d chatted for quite some time. My friends and I went out to the bar that night and he met us there. He almost didn’t, as he was having trouble finding the place.

We danced and drank and I introduced him to my friends. One of the things I liked most about him was his assertiveness. Which is still something that attracts me to a guy. I also liked how his attention was devoted to me. I remember us standing with my friends and him holding my hand, but unless you were paying close attention, you wouldn’t realize we were holding hands. Sweet little things like that.

We danced, and I think I remember him being a really good dancer. He kept trying to kiss me on the dance floor, and I would maneuver away. It’s not that I didn’t want to kiss him, I was just really nervous. Eventually, with all my maneuvering, I’d backed myself into a corner and had nowhere else to go, and he kissed me, and I really liked it.

Though I came with friends to the bar that night, I went home with him. On the drive, we held hands (I don’t think I’ve held hands with a guy while he drove since, and I’d really like that again) and at the red lights we’d have a little make out session. He ended up staying a few days longer than intended, and I brought him around my friends more and, I felt really happy and really in like, but it was something I knew wouldn’t last, as we only had a few days together.

I think the last night he was in town, we were laying in bed together, I think we’d watched some movie or another, and I suddenly turned away from him. I got really upset because I knew it was almost over, and my response to emotions is to shut down. He could tell something was wrong and reassured me that just because he was leaving didn’t mean it would be the end (which wasn’t true, but it neither here nor there.)

I called him a few days after he left. The day he left I was sad and moped in my room. I could tell our moment had passed. He casually brought up another guy and I kinda left it at that (I’m not one to compete for someone’s attention.) Oddly enough, I end up accepting an invitation to go on a date shortly thereafter, and that rebound turned into my first (or two, so far) boyfriends… but that’s a story for another time.

The call Elio and Oliver have at the end of the film reminded me of the conversation I had with that guy, to an extent. Oliver, in my opinion, was Elio’s first love. If I had to pick, of the men of romances past, I would say this guy was my first love… but maybe I haven’t encountered him yet? Who knows. Anyway, this ended up being a bit more of a trip down memory lane than about the film, but so be it.

I Am Michael

I heard about this film when it was being made, but didn’t pay that much attention to it. I think a lot of the talk was speculation of Franco’s sexuality due to his choice of roles at the time. A friend recommended it to me a while back, and I added it to my Netflix queue, but still didn’t know what it was about. I was told it would make my cry, so, for some reason, my mind assumed it would be a story from the 80s or 90s about the AIDS crisis. How I came to that conclusion, I don’t know.

I didn’t learn what it was about until tonight when I finally read the little Netflix blurb before watching. Long story short, a guy named Michael renounces his homosexuality (and role as a gay activist) for religion.

I found it very interesting. I thought Franco and Quinto did an amazing job. Though I was perplexed by Michael, I found him to be sympathetic, which is important in this kind of film.

It made me think of my own life and my views of religion, and history with religion. I don’t consider myself to be a religious person. I believe in some higher power, but I don’t think of a God in the way religion does.

When I was growing up, my mom took my sisters and I to church pretty much every Sunday. And for a long time we went to Kingdom Hall (Jehovah’s Witness), so a lot of my childhood I was taught that being gay was wrong and you’d go to hell, etc. Which is interesting because all the while, I had gay people on my block and I looked up to them. And in some ways, subconsciously, I don’t think I fully rid myself of that torn feeling (which likely explains me being such a prude and my fascination with the Shadow Self.)

After, there was a short documentary, Michael Lost and Found, (I didn’t expect it to only be 18 minutes), where the real Michael and Benji reunite (prompted by the making of the film.) It was interesting and a bit heartbreaking, as it seemed something that really hurt Benji was when Michael turned his back on being gay, he didn’t just turn his back on their 10 year relationship, he also turned his back all all the gay kids he’d helped (and those he probably saved from suicide) through their magazine, which promoted awareness and acceptance of homosexuality. I did really like that they were able to come together and try to talk through what happened and where they are now.

The film also made me think about how I want to do more. I don’t just want to write scripts, I want to be able to help people (and maybe my scripts can help people, I don’t know.) But to see these stories of people who were in their early 20s with such passion and drive to make a difference in the world and really help me… it makes me want to do the same.