Author: rogueslayer0

I've never been good at these things. I'm a gaymer, a writer, an artist. These are my thoughts.

Mighty Thor

Let’s just cut to the chase, I’m not a Jane Foster fan. To be fair, I don’t read the comics, so my knowledge of the character comes from the MCU. I LOVE Natalie Portman, but I don’t like Jane Foster. Maybe I should mention the Thor films are my least favorite of the MCU as well? It just feels like in the year 2022 (and whatever years the Thor films were made) we shouldn’t have a female character who seems to only exist for her love interest.

In the original Thor, I was indifferent when it came to Jane. In the sequel, I DESPISED her. You mean to tell me this brilliant scientist dropped her research, her career, EVERYTHING… for a man she knew for a week… Girl, bye. Be sad he is gone, I mean, it is Chris Hemsworth, but her just moping about didn’t sit right with my spirit. Anytime I see her, she seems to be there to play the damsel in distress. I’m a Buffy, Elektra, Black Widow kinda guy, so she does nothing for me.

I say all that to say, I’m excited about Mighty Thor coming to Marvel’s Avengers, and her release next week may even get me to see the new Thor film in theaters… maybe. When it was first confirmed that it was Jane Foster coming to the game… and not my beloved Yelena, or even Shuri, I wasn’t pleased, for the previously mentioned reasons. Also, I wasn’t a fan of playing as Thor in the game, so I didn’t expect to enjoy playing as his female counterpart. But, seeing the trailer and seeing the concept art for her character has me excited to play as her. That being said, if they are going to continue to make echo characters (and I don’t have a problem with that at all, the more characters I can play, the better) I’m going to need my girl Yelena brought to the game.

And with She Hulk rumored to be coming in August, I feel these two women are about to bring a much-needed breath of fresh air to the game.

What are your thoughts on Jane Foster? Do you still play Marvel’s Avengers (if you ever did)? I’m curious to know.

Final Fantasy VII

I’ve never been one to be on trend and Final Fantasy was no exception. In fact, I wasn’t truly familiar with the franchise until I learned Final Fantasy X was in development. My cousin, who introduced me to the likes of Max Payne, Brave Fencer Musashi, and Grand Theft Auto: III, let me borrow Final Fantasy VII during the Christmas break of 2000. Aside from Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi, I didn’t know anything about the RPG genre.

Final Fantasy VII had been over three years. All my friends who played RPGs had already played it. They even gave me advice and tips when I got stuck… yet somehow I still avoided the Aerith spoiler. It was one of the most influential experiences in my gaming life (Silent Hill 2: Restless Dreams was another, but that’s a story for another time). My party typically consisted of Cloud (since I couldn’t remove him), Aerith, and Tifa. Tifa is, was, and always will be my main, as I love a brawler chick, but I appreciate a white mage, so Aerith was always in the mix too. Though this game is 25 years old, I want to avoid spoilers, for some reason, so I’ll just say after the Aerith incident, my party consisted of Cloud, Tifa, and Yuffie.

Fast forward a few years to college. My roommate was a collector and his collecting ways rubbed off on me. Before meeting him, I didn’t care about collector’s editions, be they strategy guides or the games… but I was forever changed. He also got me into reading Kotaku and paying attention to E3. I had long been a reader of GameInformer, so I was aware of what E3 was, but I wasn’t watching the presentation… until I met him.

I remember the Playstation 3 Final Fantasy VII tech demo. I believe it was during an E3 event. I was SOOOO excited! But there was no word of an actual game being made. It faded from my mind until I was watching the Playstation Experience presentation… All I remember is hearing the Final Fantasy VII music, and I was giddy. It turned out to be a trailer for Final Fantasy VII Remake, coming to the Playstation 4. I’ll probably make a separate post for Remake, but the announcement and subsequent release of the PC port of Final Fantasy VII on PS4 brought back so many memories for me.

As a teenager, I would play a Final Fantasy game during my Christmas break. It became a tradition for me. If not Final Fantasy VII, then it would be Final Fantasy X or X-2. I played the PC port around Christmas time of 2019, as Remake was set to come out in Spring 2020. There is something so comforting about playing this game. Maybe because it was the first real RPG I played (and beat). Maybe because it reminds me of childhood (I was 12 when I first played it.) The game will always have a special place in my heart, as it has for millions of others.

Just last week, Final Fantasy Rebirth, the second installment of the Remake trilogy, was announced, and it is set to release next winter. Those feelings of nostalgia came rushing back yet again, and now I want to drop all the games I’ve been playing and replay Remake AND the PC port on PS4. It’s such a beautiful game with a beautiful story, and it has a hold on me.

Pride

I used to be someone who would argue on the internet. I felt that if I used the right analogy I would get through to people… Those days are long gone for me. People arguing on the internet aren’t there to learn, they are there to argue their point, myself included. For my own peace of mind, I had to let that go. There are still PLENTLY of times I see stupid people making stupid arguments, but I just read it and then go about my day. Maybe I’ll start blogging about it instead.

The other day I saw a video from a musician I used to follow. She used to be in a girl group, but she is a born again Christian… like super Christian. It seems pretty clear that something happened to her (I won’t presume what) and Christianity has been her coping mechanism. I almost feel bad for her… but she spews hate in the guise of Christian love (and those are the worst kinds of Christians, in my opinion). So, she makes this video about Pride month, but she is saying how wrong it all is. The thing that got me is when she started talking about people who transition and de-transition and how it can lead to suicide. The mental gymnastics some people do is truly Olypmic worth. So… we are considered about the suicide rate of individuals who transition and de-transition (not that we shouldn’t be)… but not worried about the suicide rate of kids and young adults seeing videos like hers telling them that being who they are is wrong, a sin, and going to result in them burning in Hell for all eternity?… Sure, Jan.

She also brought up drag queens performing in venues that have kids. I’m not sure how this became a big topic, actually, I have an idea. I think it is absolutely something to take people’s minds of the recent school shootings. Lets protect the kids from… drag queens, but lets keep the guns. Make it make sense. It’s grooming kids… but asking toddlers if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t… taking little boys to Hooters isn’t… Again, mental gymnastics.

The thing that prompted this blog today was a post where Tom Hanks stated he wouldn’t play a gay character today and he believes gay actors should. There was a bunch of arguing in the comments. Now, I don’t want to flat out say that I’m right and they’re wrong… but I will say I have a more nuisanced approach to the matter. See, once upon a time in college, I had this GREAT professor. He taught several courses, including Screenwriting and Race & Gender Studies. For my degree, Race & Gender Studies was required (and honestly, I think this is something that should be required in high school AND college). I couldn’t take his course, which I was extremely upset about, but I got to take a Sci-Fi Culture & History (I don’t remember if that’s the exact name, but let’s just go with it) class and he brought his Race & Gender Studies into it when we had discussions. Something I learned from him is we can’t look at things in a vacuum, and I feel that often times, especially when it comes to arguments about race, gender, sexuality, people are arguing as if we’re in a vacuum… whether they intend to do so or not.

I’ll give an example. Someone in the comments said something along the lines of, “Oh, so if gay actors should only play gay characters, does that mean straight actors can only play straight characters?!?” In a vacuum, they would not be wrong… but we don’t live in a vacuum. Until recently, it was pretty tabboo for an actor to come out in Hollywood, so they were had no choice but to play straight roles (and there weren’t really gay roles anyway.) You can’t make such an argument without taking history into account (at least not if you want to make a good argument.)

What I interpret Hanks is saying is, I don’t want to take an opportunity from a gay actor, and I think that’s a noble thing. He’s Tom freakin Hanks, he has his pick of roles, if he even wants to continue acting. A straight actor moving aside for a gay actor could potentially open doors that gay actor might not have been able to open. Not to mention, when a straight actor plays a gay character, they are always told how “brave” they are. Look, in a perfect world, we could be like Scarlett Johansen and play any race and any tree we want… but we don’t like in a perfect world, so until things are more equal, I absolutely think straight actors shouldn’t play gay characters, but gay actors can play straight.

I have a lot of thoughts on race and gender… but I’ll get into that in another post.

To wrap up my original thought (sorry, tangents) I wish people were more honest about their hatred. I don’t want to say I’d respect it… but it would be refreshing. I don’t want to hear the bullshit about “love the sinner, hate the sin”, “I just don’t agree with that lifestyle”, “think of the kids!” Just say you hate gay people, because that is the subtext. Also, I implore those who argue online to use that internet access to do research, because a lot of times people argue as if they are an expert on a subject when they have very general (at best) knowledge of it.

MCU

This is LONG overdue. There are so many films, so many characters, and so many thoughts, so I’ll just focus on my favorites for now. It is fascinating to think that Iron Man (and its success) led to this massive franchise, though I’m glad it did. For some reason though, the franchise never really spoke to me or caught my attention. It may have been because I was aware of the X-Men, I was aware of Daredevil and Elektra, I was aware of the Fantastic Four… but other than that, I didn’t know much about Marvel comic characters. I also have a habit of being contrary, so part of me maybe didn’t watch the franchise because it was so popular.

I remember watching Iron Man and Iron Man 2 back in the day. I also remember watching Avengers and Avengers: Age of Ultron because of my writing idol at the time, he-who-shall-not-be-named. I loved the films. I LOVED Black Widow. I LOVED Scarlet Witch, but it didn’t get me into the theaters, let alone the franchise. It doesn’t make sense why it didn’t though. I love action films and I love superhero films. It literally had everything I needed to be a fan.

Fast forward to 2019, I see a trailer for Marvel’s Avengers, and I’m hooked. You mean to tell me I get to play AS the Avengers? Also, I saw this as a spiritual successor to the likes of Marvel Ultimate Alliance and Marvel Heroes Omega (more on Marvel’s Avengers in another post). The game made me think that maybe it is time to watch these damn movies… So, I made a list, release order, not chronological… I got Disney+ and I started my MCU journey. If I remember correctly, I got through the first Captain America film (I didn’t start my journey until the spring of 2020 when the world was in lockdown.) The game came out and my focus went to playing that rather than watching the films.

Fast forward to Feb 14th, 2022, a friend and I have a ritual of having dinner on Valentine’s Day. He orders a heart-shaped pizza, I come over, we drink wine, eat and watch a movie. This year, he picked Iron Man 2. I was not opposed because I got to see the iconic introduction of Black Widow again. Watching the film reminded me that I should get back into the MCU… so I did. As of today, I have Loki, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Eternals, and Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings to watch. I also got to watch my FIRST MCU film in theaters, which was Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. I watched it mother’s day weekend (another story for another time.) It is the second film I’ve watched in theaters this year, the first being Scream back in January.

When I got to films like Infinity War and Endgame, I was a bit upset with myself for not getting into the franchise sooner so I could have experienced them in theaters with the other fans. Though some critics say the films are mindless action, I beg to differ. I felt a gambit of emotions going through these films, especially ones like Black Widow, Infinity War, Black Panther, and Captain America: Civil War. Don’t even get me started on my favorite characters, which are (in order) Scarlet Witch, Yelena, and Back Widow. I’ll have to devote a post to Scarlet Witch (and I hope she comes to Marvel’s Avengers.)

I feel like I’m meant to write for comics or the MCU, not to inflate my writing abilities, I just mean, these are the types of stories I want to tell. The stories I write are about people with extraordinary abilities, probably because I always wished I was special. I can still remember hitting puberty and being devastated because I didn’t develop a mutant ability (though I was thankful when I had to do a research paper and studied that most mutations aren’t like the ones in the comics, they tend to be harmful, if not deadly.)

Now, despite being many years behind, I can proudly say I’m a fan of the MCU. I don’t plan to watch the new Thor film in theaters (Thor has never done much for me as a character and neither have the films), but I’ll watch it on Disney+ eventually… besides, it gives me time to catch up on the Disney+ shows.

What are your thoughts on the MCU? Who are your favorite characters? Which films are your favorite? I’m curious to know.

Scandal

I accidentally re-watched Scandal recently. You may be wondering how one accidentally re-watches an entire seven-season show. Let me explain.

I can’t remember where and I can’t remember who, but I heard a screenwriter say they will watch the pilot of any show. They said it helped them develop their world-building skills. I thought to myself, that is an excellent idea, and since I try to read a script a week, why not read a bunch of pilot scripts? I’ve also noticed they keep my attention longer than feature scripts (especially b/c it is hard for me to read a script of a film I haven’t watched yet, and for the ones I have, I already know what is going to happen… for the most part.)

So, one week I decided to re-read the pilot for Scandal. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I didn’t even get into Scandal on my own, my friend Ricky convinced me to watch it. He told me, if you don’t like it within the first few minutes, I don’t know what’s wrong with you. That first scene got me hooked! And I’m not sure why I didn’t stumble into the show on my own. As a high schooler, my two main shows were The O.C and Grey’s Anatomy. I was aware Shonda Rhimes created Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal. I also LOVE Kerry Washington. A lot of people remember her from Scandal, I remember first seeing her in Save The Last Dance. Maybe it was the political drama that kept me at bay?

Anyway, I read the script and it was SO good! If you’re into reading scripts, I highly recommend it. I typically work with something on in the background, so I figured, why not put on Scandal? Work was done, and four episodes later, I’m sitting there watching like it was all new to me.

In the future, I don’t know if these “reviews” will be season by season or for the entire show (though either way, in hindsight, I should take notes as I watch.) Since I can’t remember what happened season by season, this will be for the entire show. Let’s start by saying this is one of my favorite shows. It is up there with Buffy, Angel, and Dollhouse for me. Shonda Rhimes is a genius and I can’t believe it took Scandal for me to put her up there with he-who-shall-not-be-named as a writing idol… This is funny because I remember a moment in time when I was finding all the Shonda Rhimes interviews I could, and she mentioned being a fan of Buffy and Angel.

Though Olivia Pope is the main character, she is not my favorite character. I realized the other day while thinking about writing this, that the main character of a show is rarely my favorite character. In Buffy, my favorite character is Faith, and she is only in a handful of episodes compared to everyone else. In Angel, my favorite character is Illyria, and she’s in even fewer episodes than Faith. In Scandal, my favorite character is Quinn Perkins, and this is a realization I made during this re-watch.

At first, I HATED Quinn. I understood her purpose, at first, she is our introduction to the world of Olivia Pope & Associates… but I didn’t like her. When her character started to become a mini-Huck is when I found her interesting, and by the time she entered B613, I loved her and that love remained throughout the series. She feels like the character who grew the most throughout the show. From meek and overwhelmed to assassin/spy to Quinn Perkins & Associates. Don’t even get me started on her, Charlie, and Robin… my heart! I love Quinn and Charlie together almost as much as I loved Abby and David together. I may have to do separate posts for different things I want to talk about. I definitely want to do one about the relationships in the show.

Mellie deserved better than Fitz. The show seemed built around Olivia and Fitz’s relationship (at least at first) and I couldn’t stand their relationship. Fitz treated Mellie like trash, and the more you learn about her and what she endured for his sake, the more I looked at him as an asshole. A sexy asshole, but an asshole nonetheless.

Though Olivia isn’t my favorite character, despite being the main one, and I don’t think she went through the biggest change, I did like her overall character arc. To condense it (quite extremely), she starts as a white hat, loses her way, and goes back to being a white hat again. I tend to like that character journey (Faith is one of my favorite fictional characters if you can’t tell by the blog name.)

Now that I’ve finished Scandal, I think it’s time to go back and finish How To Get Away With Murder. But, for those who have watched Scandal, what did you think of the show? Who was your favorite character? Who was your least favorite? I’m curious to know.

The Craft

You may or may not know this, but I’m an aspiring screenwriter. I’ve been writing since I was a child. In college, I studied Journalism, then switched to Creative Writing, and then switched to Screenwriting. The idea of taking a screenwriting class only occurred to me in my creative writing class. My professor told the class that taking a screenwriting class helped her write better proses. When I took my first screenwriting class, it felt like I finally found the type of writing I’d been looking for.

I say all that to say I do what I can to study my craft, be it reading, watching tv shows/movies, playing video games… and occasionally writing.

A goal I gave myself was to read 52 scripts this year. One script per week. I’ve fallen a bit behind and have been playing catch-up. One of the most recent reads was The Craft. This is a film I remember watching when I was in elementary school. It didn’t scare me, I thought it was cool. I even talked to two of the cast members thanks to living in Los Angeles.

If you don’t know, The Craft is a film from 1996 about a group of teenage girls who can do magic. As a child, and even now, you give me a film/show/game about characters with powers/abilities, I’m in, and reading scripts of shows/films I love just makes sense.

I’ve done this reading a script a week challenge at least two years prior, so I’ve read my fair share of scripts. One of my favorite things is getting to experience a different writer… if that makes sense. For instance, from what I can tell, there was a shift in writing, in general, from the 90s to now. This script read almost like proses. There were poetic bits. I loved it. (After The Craft, I read the pilot script for Breaking Bad and that script has less flowery wording, though I enjoyed both.)

Another thing I enjoy is seeing the differences between the script and the final film (this is a reason I DON’T like reading MCU scripts, but maybe I’ll address that in another post.) This final film seemed to be fairly faithful to the script. I remember reading in Rachel True’s book that Rochelle’s character arch was changed from being bulimic to being bullied for being black, and the script initially is just about her being bulimic… yet still bullied… for some reason. Some scenes were shortened, some were rearranged, and some, the film made better. It was a joy to read and it makes me want to re-watch the film.

Marvel’s Avengers

Where shall I start in regards to this game?

Well, I was a HUGE fan of the Marvel Ultimate Alliance series. Beat ’em up brawlers have always been my jam. You give me a Dynasty Warriors game and I can be entertained for hours. Add X-Men to the mix… and I’m sold.

I was one of the unfortunate souls who really only discovered X-Men Heroes as it was coming to consoles… and anyone who played that knows how it went. It spoke to my love of Marvel Ultimate Alliance. Being able to run around (as Elektra, in her Netflix outfits, of course) and level her up while beating up baddies was so much fun.

When Marvel’s Avengers was announced, it too spoke to my love of Marvel Ultimate Alliance, and I’m sure others felt the same. It’s one of the few games, if not the only one, that I love not necessarily for the game itself, but for the potential I see. I am rooting for Marvel’s Avengers like Tyra Banks was rooting for Tiffany on ANTM. I see what it can be and I want it to get there. And I really REALLY want to see some X-Men (and my girl Elektra) make it to the game.

Though it has been a bumpy road (ie 10 months without new content, no new roadmap), I still haven’t given up on this game. I do my daily challenges, I buy skins (when they are on sale). And even though I thought the echo character would be Yelena (who I was so excited for), I’m intrigued to play as Mighty Thor aka Jane Foster, when she comes out. Yesterday, there was also leaked audio of characters talking to She-Hulk, Winter Solider, and Captain Marvel. Of those three Captain Marvel is the one I’m most excited about.

Despite not giving us a traditional roadmap, I do believe content will continue to come to this game and I’m going to keep playing.

I think my current dream list for the game is: Scarlet Witch, Yelena, Jean Grey, Storm and Elektra. (I figure, once they figure out how to put a Scarlet Witch and Doctor Strange in the game, it would be easy to translate those moves to Jean Grey and Storm… hell, even Sue Storm.)

Are you still playing Marvel’s Avengers? Why or why not? Who are the characters you’re looking to see come to the game?

Dead By Daylight’s David King Comes Out

I have been wanting to get back into blogging. I have A LOT of thoughts on A LOT of things… and an IG story and/or tweet doesn’t give me the room to properly express myself. So, here we go…

This morning Behaviour Interactive announced David King, one of the characters of their game Dead By Daylight, is the game’s first gay character. And chaos is ensuing…

Something about me, I’m a lurker. Always have been, probably always will be. It is fascinating for me to go through comments and see how people react to certain topics. If you don’t know, a lurker is someone who rarely interacts in comments/posts/blogs but reads them. Now, I’m going to share my thoughts.

From my years of lurking, there tends to be a typical response when diversity representation comes into play (read that as an originally white character being a different race and/or an originally straight character coming out). It is usually met with “this is diversity for the sake of diversity, why not just make a new character that is (insert race and/or gender and/or sexual orientation)”… The same people would still argue “this is diversity for the sake of diversity” if it were an original character.

Then you have the “I’m part of X group, and I agree that it isn’t necessary,” I call those the Tokens. In this instance, “I’m gay, and I agree that David shouldn’t be gay, or they should have made a new character that is gay.”

A few people in the comments made some sense. The gaming world, like all realms of entertainment, and, well… life, was initially developed for and catered to the straight white male. Times are changing, and people are evolving. No longer is straight and/or white the default. While some find it arbitrary to make David gay (to be completely honest, I don’t play as any of the men, other than Chris Redfield, so I didn’t even know who David was, I think Dwight would have made a better choice, but that’s my opinion), I find it arbitrary that people assumed he was straight.

I saw a comment from a Token asking, what does being gay have to do with the game anyway? Does it help him finish generations faster? Does it help him escape? I’ll take a moment to briefly explain the game, if you don’t know it, though I assume you do, since you’re reading this, Dead By Daylight is a game where 4 players must restart 5 generators that will allow them to open an escape door to … well, escape, all while avoiding a killer coming after them.

This Token saddened me. I assume they aren’t aware that a common criticism of the LGBTQIA2+ community is that we “make it our identity”. No, being gay doesn’t relate to the mechanics of the game itself… but neither does being straight, and everyone was A-OK with believing all the characters were straight. People claiming they would prefer Behaviour Interactive create an original gay character would have been just as upset. They still would wonder what sexuality has to do with the game. The answer is nothing, it has nothing to do with the game, but it is good to have one’s assumptions shaken every once and a while. For the most part, we are going to go into an experience assuming people are straight unless told otherwise (there are obvious exceptions to this, such as going to LGBTQIA2+ designated spaces, but you know what I mean.)

And that’s the funny part, we are so indoctrinated, that we don’t even have to think about it, which is sad. I’m a black gay male, when I read a book unless the book specifies, I assume I am reading about straight white people. When I play a video game or watch a TV show or movie, I assume I am playing/watching straight people. Even with the amount of representation as far as gender, race, and sexual orientation, there are STILL times when I’m shocked because it will be so subtly thrown in sometimes. I’m like, wait, that man just said he has a HUSBAND?!? And sometimes, it is never brought up again. Some may ask, what is the point if it isn’t important to the story? To that, I say, because that is life. Sometimes you meet a man who has a husband, and you may never see that man again. It is art imitating life. I’m so used to straight being the default that I actually tried to explain away what I heard or saw. Take, for instance, Tommy from The Last of Us. It took my second playthrough to “accept” that he was gay, and not just talking about his “best friend.” Instances where a brief moment or piece of dialogue lets the player/viewer know a character isn’t straight is so beautiful because sometimes, that’s how it happens in real life.

This is why representation matters. I think it is more powerful to make an existing character gay (again, Dwight would have been a better choice, but, hey,) because it forces you to reexamine your thoughts of the character. I never thought much of the character, one way or the other, but now I see a new depth to David. He is the macho-looking straight dude, and honestly, I feel that is why people are so upset, because he was likely the character the straight white dudes gravitated towards, and they are shook.

I’ll sum this up by paraphrasing a comment I saw and loved, but there will be more to come regarding representation in media, the commenter simply (and beautifully said), “dude, chill, people come out.”  

Fear Itself

My first blog of 2019. How exciting! I know it is cliche, but I truly feel 2019 is going to be a year of change for me. I feel so much change already and it hasn’t been a full week yet. This year is being devoted to me and pursuing my dreams, not to say I won’t pursue them beyond this year, but I am going to focus on writing.

When I was 17, I moved to Phoenix, Arizona. I had no friends or family there, I’d never been there before and I believe I had about $125 to my name, which was all in my pocket. A lot of people tried to convince me not to go, friends, family, hell, even teachers, but I’d made up my mind. I knew it was where I was meant to be. There was no fear, no doubt, I knew it was going to work itself out (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.) Granted, I moved there for school, so housing, at least for the first semester, was already set up for me. I took a Greyhound bus, it was 3 days, I spent my 18th birthday on a bus to Phoenix. That was August 2006.

In February 2016, I moved to Los Angeles. It was a similar experience, I always knew I’d move to California eventually (at least I knew once I lived in Phoenix), that Phoenix was the pit stop. It was just a matter of where and when. I originally thought I’d go to San Diego, I was afraid to live in Los Angeles because of the movies. However, it made more sense to move to Los Angeles, as I want to be a screenwriter.

I trusted my intuition, but I was more fearful than I’d been with my move to Phoenix. I don’t remember ever doubting myself about moving to Phoenix, there were times of doubt and anxiety in regards to my move to Los Angeles, but I refused to stay in Phoenix any longer and gave myself the deadline of February 12th, as that was when my lease was up. Come hell or high water, I was leaving Phoenix on that date. I secured a place to stay a week prior (after spending the entire month prior searching.)

I’ve always been a driven person. I see what I want and go after it, and I don’t let anything stop me. I push through. But something happened when I moved here. It was a lot different than Phoenix. By the end of my near decade in Phoenix, I was coasting by. It was so easy to live comfortably in Phoenix. It was not the same here in Los Angeles. I had to put my creative energy aside to focus on surviving. I needed to find a job and then when my savings ran out, I really learned how much it costs to live here.

A long time was spent figuring out how to make ends meet here, but I did it, with the thanks of a second job, and then finding a better paying full-time job… and another part-time job. All the time and energy I had for creating when towards that. Now, almost three years later, I’m determined to get it back.

I bought this planner, I had their 2018 edition as well, and I’ve been working in it, it isn’t just about planning your life, it is about increasing productivity, positive thinking, and motivation. It has really made me think about the goals I have in life, and more importantly, the distractions keeping me from them, and why I allow such distractions.

It’s crazy, but once I got to Los Angeles, the idea of becoming a writer was a bit too real for me, and it scared me. One would probably think it would do the opposite and push me even further, but the fear stopped me in my tracks. The idea of success wasn’t in my head, all I could think of making an attempt to pursue my dream and falling on my face. Weird, to come all this way and now be so full of fear to push further?

I’m letting that fear go in 2019. It’s held me back too long. I’m not upset or angry at myself for taking this long to do it, though once upon a time, I would be. Everything happens when it is supposed to happen, which helps me to be a more patient person.

For a while, I pondered if my creative energy was completely depleted. Now I know it never was, I just let fear and anxiety stifle it. The more I realize that, the more I break free. This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was grab my pen and paper and write down an idea to help with my next script. The first script I’m writing since 2015. It made me so happy.

Here’s to 2019 and a more fearless me.

The O.C.

A few months back, I reactivated my Hulu subscription because I really wanted to watch The Runaways. It was highly recommended to me, and I can’t remember if I wrote a post about it or not, but if not, I’ll get to it another time. Something about it reminded me of The O.C. but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So, I wasn’t too surprised when I saw the name Josh Schwartz as one of the series creators, as he was also the series creator of The O.C (and Gossip Girl, which I adore.)

I finished The Runaways and needed something else to watch. It just so happened that day was the 15th anniversary of the premiere of The O.C. When the Universe sends you a sign, you take it. Thus, I returned to Newport Beach. Mind you, I hadn’t watched the show in at least 12 years. I lost interest around the 3rd season when Katilyn returned and went from a little girl to a teenager, which was a big mistake on my part.

I just finished the series Thursday night and it was quite a ride. I remember starting the show as a teenager. It’s funny looking back and realizing they were supposed to be my age when I was in high school (as they were also the class of 2006) but I didn’t do ANY of the things they did at that time and I feel I looked like a baby in high school.

When I started this new O.C. journey, I had very little empathy for Marissa, I’d always been team Summer, hell, let’s be honest, I was team Julie. Marissa just seemed like a spoiled brat. I didn’t really understand what she had to be upset about, and maybe it’s the fact that I no longer have my mother that I resented her being so bitchy to her mom when her mom did so much for her benefit (a quick note about The Runaways, my biggest issue with it is that though the parents are shown as the villains, I sided with them rather than their children, I don’t know if it is because I’m in my 30s now or what, even when watching The O.C. I was like, I get why the parents are doing this and found their stories more compelling and interesting.)

By the time I got to season three, I felt completely different about Marissa, perhaps because I knew she would be dead by the end of the season. I never got that far when originally watching. I couldn’t tell you what truly made me stop watching. In high school, I remember passing notes to my friend Nikki, having written a complete synopsis of the previous night’s episode when she missed it. My high school time was spent between Buffy and The O.C. (at least as far as TV is concerned.)

I was emotional when I reached the season three ending. Marissa in season three reminded me a lot of Buffy in season six, which helped me empathize with her and I her plight made more sense to me. She didn’t see a future for herself so she used boys, drinking and drugs. Self-destructive, but I get it. I wanted her to find a way out of the hole of despair she’d found herself in, and it seemed she was about to…

Season four, I enjoyed it, though I thought it would be more about getting justice for Marrisa’s death, but that kinda wrapped itself up faster than I would have liked. I did really enjoy Kaitlin, who was serving some Lil’ J tease (which is funny because the actress played one of Lil’ J’s friends on Gossip Girl). She was a younger version of her mother and Julie Cooper is my favorite character of the show (Seth is a close second and is the reason I love myself a geeky, dorky man.) I really enjoyed Taylor as well. She was very quirky, and reminded me of Anya from Buffy, and also reminded me of myself too.

I didn’t understand the earthquake two-parter (it seemed a little odd to have a natural disaster take up two of your final three episodes, but to each his/her own,) and the final episode was a bit too cheesy/campy, even for this show, but I enjoyed it for what it was. Long story short, as far as the main part of the final episode, everyone from Newport ends up harassing this gay couple in their own home because Kirsten and Sandy owed it… twenty years ago, and Seth and Ryan think the gay couple should sell it back to them. I’m just like, really? Kirsten has a damn baby in their bedroom, they set up a wedding in the backyard, Ryan and Taylor have sex in another one of their bedrooms. I would have been like, all of y’all need to get the hell out of my house. But maybe Berkeley gays are nicer than I, as they end up deciding to sell their house to them.

Then it jumps forward in time and you see Seth and Summer get married (which made me very happy) and I loved the last scene. Ryan is successful (driving his own Range Rover) and sees a kid sitting on a wall and thinks back to himself as a kid and asks if the kid needs help, then there is a flashback of the first (of many) times he was going to go back to Chino and saw Marissa. I thought that was great.

This show meant so much to teenage me that it is hard to critique it. I suppose at times it bothered me that the girls in the show would often let the boys lead the way, which felt misogynistic to me (example, Summer can’t decide whether she wants to be with Seth or Zach, so she tells them to decide for her. Girl, what? Or the girls trying to decide where to go to college based on their boyfriends. Hell to the no. Maybe I don’t get it because I didn’t date in high school, but even now, I couldn’t see myself moving for a man unless there were a ring on my finger and it would be beneficial to my career goals.) And there were times when characters seemed to act, well, out of character, for the sake of plot, but that can be found in any series, I suppose.

It was a great ride and I’m glad to say I finally watched it all. Perhaps Gossip Girl is next?