Grief

This one is a little more personal, but it’s how I feel in the moment and I feel inspired to write it.

I moved to LA in Feb 2016 to pursue a career in screenwriting (a topic for another post) and in late April I got a call that my mother had passed away. I was devastated. We hadn’t been close for a long time. Right after graduating high school, I took off to Phoenix, Arizona. I spent my 18th birthday on a Greyhound bus. I saw my mother one more time after leaving home. I saw her that Christmas… and I was violently ill the entire time I was in her home, I felt fine before and after, and I vowed never to return, so I didn’t. But I had this idea in my head that we would reconnect when we were older, and I was successful, and we could be close like we were when I was younger. That didn’t happen.

I was reminded again last night, that we don’t have as much time with those we care about as we’d like to think. My roommate let me know that he saw a post about a friend of mine passing away. At first, I was numb, and then I just felt an overwhelming rush of guilt. See, this friend texted me Monday saying he’d be in LA soon and wanted to see me. What I didn’t realize was he meant that day. I was a little taken back because it was so sudden and I was just relaxing at home, I didn’t want to do anything or see anybody. I asked when he was leaving and he told me he was heading north Tuesday morning. I had Tuesday off, so I figured I’d text him that morning and get breakfast or something… only I forgot to text him. And now I can’t.

I wish I would have just gone to see him. I don’t know if it would have hurt more than it hurts now, but to know I had a chance to see him once last time and I didn’t take it…

All these memories have been flooding back. I tend to associate people with music. If you’re a friend of mine, you’ll probably get a drunk text or DM from me with a screenshot of a song that makes me think of you. For him, it was #GETITRIGHT by Miley Cyrus. He was the one who introduced me to the song and I instantly loved it. Or I think about the time he came to LA to visit for the weekend. He stayed with me and he just hung out, talked, and watched movies. We went to an ice cream shop and they had jawbreakers. I was so excited, I hadn’t seen a jawbreaker since I was a child, so he bought it for me.

Last night, I was crying myself to sleep and I randomly thought of that jawbreaker. I still have it, so I got up and grabbed it out of my nightstand. I held it in my hand while I went to sleep and it gave me solace, however silly that may sound. I just hope he knows that I’m sorry for not seeing him one last time and I hope he knows he is loved.

And to anyone reading, spend time with your loved ones, tell them you care, because you never know when they’ll be gone.