My first blog of 2019. How exciting! I know it is cliche, but I truly feel 2019 is going to be a year of change for me. I feel so much change already and it hasn’t been a full week yet. This year is being devoted to me and pursuing my dreams, not to say I won’t pursue them beyond this year, but I am going to focus on writing.
When I was 17, I moved to Phoenix, Arizona. I had no friends or family there, I’d never been there before and I believe I had about $125 to my name, which was all in my pocket. A lot of people tried to convince me not to go, friends, family, hell, even teachers, but I’d made up my mind. I knew it was where I was meant to be. There was no fear, no doubt, I knew it was going to work itself out (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.) Granted, I moved there for school, so housing, at least for the first semester, was already set up for me. I took a Greyhound bus, it was 3 days, I spent my 18th birthday on a bus to Phoenix. That was August 2006.
In February 2016, I moved to Los Angeles. It was a similar experience, I always knew I’d move to California eventually (at least I knew once I lived in Phoenix), that Phoenix was the pit stop. It was just a matter of where and when. I originally thought I’d go to San Diego, I was afraid to live in Los Angeles because of the movies. However, it made more sense to move to Los Angeles, as I want to be a screenwriter.
I trusted my intuition, but I was more fearful than I’d been with my move to Phoenix. I don’t remember ever doubting myself about moving to Phoenix, there were times of doubt and anxiety in regards to my move to Los Angeles, but I refused to stay in Phoenix any longer and gave myself the deadline of February 12th, as that was when my lease was up. Come hell or high water, I was leaving Phoenix on that date. I secured a place to stay a week prior (after spending the entire month prior searching.)
I’ve always been a driven person. I see what I want and go after it, and I don’t let anything stop me. I push through. But something happened when I moved here. It was a lot different than Phoenix. By the end of my near decade in Phoenix, I was coasting by. It was so easy to live comfortably in Phoenix. It was not the same here in Los Angeles. I had to put my creative energy aside to focus on surviving. I needed to find a job and then when my savings ran out, I really learned how much it costs to live here.
A long time was spent figuring out how to make ends meet here, but I did it, with the thanks of a second job, and then finding a better paying full-time job… and another part-time job. All the time and energy I had for creating when towards that. Now, almost three years later, I’m determined to get it back.
I bought this planner, I had their 2018 edition as well, and I’ve been working in it, it isn’t just about planning your life, it is about increasing productivity, positive thinking, and motivation. It has really made me think about the goals I have in life, and more importantly, the distractions keeping me from them, and why I allow such distractions.
It’s crazy, but once I got to Los Angeles, the idea of becoming a writer was a bit too real for me, and it scared me. One would probably think it would do the opposite and push me even further, but the fear stopped me in my tracks. The idea of success wasn’t in my head, all I could think of making an attempt to pursue my dream and falling on my face. Weird, to come all this way and now be so full of fear to push further?
I’m letting that fear go in 2019. It’s held me back too long. I’m not upset or angry at myself for taking this long to do it, though once upon a time, I would be. Everything happens when it is supposed to happen, which helps me to be a more patient person.
For a while, I pondered if my creative energy was completely depleted. Now I know it never was, I just let fear and anxiety stifle it. The more I realize that, the more I break free. This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was grab my pen and paper and write down an idea to help with my next script. The first script I’m writing since 2015. It made me so happy.
Here’s to 2019 and a more fearless me.
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