Moonlight

I bought Moonlight and La La Land at the same time, about a week or so before Christmas. I liked the irony, so I watched them both last night, Moonlight before La La Land. Moonlight will always have a special place in my heart. The film means so much to me, more than I’ll likely ever be able to express with words.

I don’t plan to get too personal here, but I don’t plan these, I just write my thoughts as they come to me, so we’ll see what happens.

I saw SO much of myself in Chiron when he was growing up. Typically, you have about 5 – 10 mins to get your audience to emotionally become the protagonist of your film. That happened for me once I saw the damn trailer.

People who know me may or may not know this, but I’m an incredibly shy person (and I think I have a lot of anxiety over really stupid things most people probably don’t give a second thought too). I don’t want to make this a therapy session, I want to focus on the film, but the film made me so emotional because it made me reflect on my life.

I think a lot of the times, we forget that parents are human too. I’ve been reading and studying a lot about screenwriting lately, and one thing I read was everyone has a core wound, and that wound is typically give to you by your parents. One can assume that Chiron’s shyness came from insecurity, likely due to bullying, not understanding why he was “different” and his mom’s mood swings due to her drug use.

I was never really bullied, but my shyness came from my insecurities. I was the black sheep of my family in ever way. I was gay (in hindsight), I was the only boy, and according to my family, I “acted white”. So, growing up, I often kept to myself, especially if it had anything to do with my interests, as I learned at home, being open and honest about my interests typically lead to ridicule and criticism, and in some ways, I never let that go.

In Chiron, I see what could have become my life had I not had positive outside influences, and I saw ways in which I still hold myself back.

So… back to the film. I LOVED his relationship with Blue. It pulled at my heartstrings, perhaps because I would have liked such a relationship with my father (or a father figure) while growing up. Blue didn’t judge and was there when Chiron seemingly had no one else to turn to. The scene where they are discussing what faggot means was so touching (I loved Theresa too). When Chiron puts two and two together, realizing his mom uses drugs and Blue sells drugs, and leaves while Blue sits there trying to keep from crying, that scene broke me. For Blue to care so much about Chiron’s opinion of him, and his own guilt, it was so heartbreaking.

If I had to pick a section of the film I least related to, it would be ii. Chiron. I love the film, but it just wasn’t my experience (not to say that I relate to iii. Black more, as I’m definitely not a drug dealer, but I related to it more on an emotional level, which we will get to later). Again, I wasn’t really bullied. I think the extent of my bullying was a few kids calling me a faggot in middle school. And I was used to much more criticism at home, so it was nothing to me. Also, I don’t know if it was just me, but I found teenage Kevin (god, I hope that actor is at least 18 so this doesn’t sound weird) way hotter than adult Kevin.

I found it so odd that he kept licking his lips when he’d talk to Chiron, I wonder how that came about, because that is very, however subtle, suggestive. The scene on the beach was beautiful, yet odd. The one thing about Moonlight is, I have so many unanswered questions about Kevin. I know the film is about Chiron, but Kevin is quite the mystery. Is he bisexual? Is he gay? Is that why he kept his friendship with Chiron? Why did he really, honestly, call Chiron after all those years (in iii. Black)? I hope there is commentary on the blu ray, because I hope to get more clarity.

The literal fight the two have is heartbreaking. Seeing the pain in both Kevin and Chiron’s eyes. Kevin, because he has to fit in and do what he is told, and Chiron because he let this person get close to him, and he was betrayed, but he refuses to give in or appear soft. And when Chiron comes back to school and busts the guy over the head with the stool, that was SOOOOOO gratifying because the fucker had it coming (it also made me wonder if that guy gets stopped on the street to be told he’s an asshole, as people tend to just assume actors are the characters they play rather than, well, actors.)

iii. Black was very interesting to me. Last we see of Chiron, he is being arrested for busting the guy over the head in class with a stool. Now, he is a grown ass man in every sense of the word. In i. and ii. is he very thin and meek, now he is fit and muscular. My favorite thing about iii. Black is you see how Chiron is now, but the moment Kevin calls, he reverts back to the Chiron from i. and ii. in almost every sense. He’s mannerisms change instantly.

The scene with his mom is heartbreaking for me. I’m getting emotional now as I type this. My mom passed away in 2016, about three months after I moved to Los Angeles, and I was devastated. I had all these plans of how later on in my life, we’d reconcile and become close again and that was ripped away from me. Add to it, the loneliness one feels when they have moved to a new city. I felt completely and utterly alone, and some times, a lot of the times, I still do. Seeing them reconcile was beautiful, but it hurt, because it was the kind of conversation I’d envisioned having with my mother, letting go of the past, and that will never happen for me.

Chiron’s interactions with Kevin are very interesting to me. I love the juxtaposition of this big strong man who is meek and quiet. It lets you know that even though he changed who he is on the outside, he couldn’t change or hide who he was in on the inside. The vulnerability Trevante brings is incredible. Side note, back when I worked at the Landmark, they did a Q&A of Moonlight. He was there, Ashton, the one who plays teenage Chiron, was there, and some of the producers. It was such a great Q&A and you can tell that Trevante isn’t afraid nor embarrassed to have an emotional side, which I think truly helped bring Chiron to life in iii. Black.

The ending was beautiful. When Chiron tells Kevin he is the only one who’s touched him. I don’t know why, it was beautiful and romantic to me. As if he’d been saving himself for an opportunity to see Kevin again (not that Kevin deserved it, but whatever). I like, and don’t like, that the ending is a bit ambiguous. I would have preferred a more definitive ending so we know where they go from there, if anywhere, but at the same time, I like that I get to make it up for myself.

I personally think Kevin is at the very least bisexual, which would explain their friendship lasting through the years, and his smile when Chiron reveals Kevin is the only one who’s touched him. I can’t think of a reason why he would call Chiron though, I get he says because of the song, but did the song make him think of the night on the beach or what? The ultimate question is, what happened after the end of the credits? I definitely don’t think they did anything sexual, at least not that night. I think maybe Kevin continued to hold Chiron and let him cry himself to sleep.

Do I think they develop a relationship? I don’t know. Maybe. That would make more sense of why Kevin called him after so long. Maybe it was ready to explore what he felt he couldn’t before, after all, he does speak about how he is finally free to live his life.

That end scene reminded me of myself and a friend. Much like Chiron, I’ve never been much of a sleeper, unless I’m sick. I’m quite the nocturnal animal (I still need to watch that film). I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep. However, if I’m sleeping with someone (not sexually, just physically close or cuddling), I sleep like a baby.

I have this one dear friend, I met back when I was 18 or 19, and he and I have a very close relationship. Sometimes we’ll cuddle and I sleep so peacefully. Something about hearing someone’s breath or feeling their heartbeat is like a lullaby to me. And then after, when I return to sleeping alone, the first night is the worst, I barely get any sleep.

It’s definitely not a sexual thing. He’s just a tactile person and I’m comfortable with him and trust him. Plus I don’t see him very often now that we live in different states. I don’t know. Typically, I’m not a fan of being touched, mainly because I enjoy it and don’t want to get used to it only for it to go away for whatever reason.

Anyway, that had nothing, per se, to do with the film, it is just what I always think of when I get to that last scene.

I think I’ve rambled on enough for now and got more personal than I intended, but c’est la vie. If you haven’t watched Moonlight, you should. It doesn’t matter your race, gender or ethnicity. I remember working at the Landmark and having elderly white ladies exiting the theater talking about how beautiful the film was, there is something in it for everyone.