I was one of those people who took a long time, or at least in my opinion a long time, to come out. One of those people who were so obviously gay, but denied it anyway.
Although, in my defense, I was never really truly attracted to anyone to gauge one way or the other, and that was the excuse I’d use. Though I always failed to mention that since the age of 18 or so I’ve had this particular fantasy. It is cheesy, but one I’m still waiting for nonetheless. It wasn’t even a sexual one. It was just the end of a date, a first date, and the guy walks me back to my door and gives me a kiss and leaves.
Despite my stoic nature, I am a rather romantic person, and I’m still waiting for that date to occur.
The main reason I didn’t want to be gay had to do with my fear of not having a family. Somehow, I’d told myself if I accepted I was gay I also had to accept I’d never have a “normal” life with a “normal” family. I couldn’t have a husband and we wouldn’t be able to have or adopt kids. And I wasn’t ready to accept that I couldn’t have what I wanted.
It wasn’t until about 21 or so that I came out. This was after watching a lot of gay movies and Queer as Folk. QaF had a huge influence on me. I learned being gay wasn’t just about drugs, sex and alcohol… though the show depicts a lot of those three things. It could also be about commitment, partnership, and (most important to me) family. Michael and Ben were what I aspire to be someday with my future partner.
I write all that to say that today the Supreme Court has ruled that gay marriage is legal in all 50 states. It makes me so happy because it puts me one step closer to my dream of a family. This is something my 18 year old self thought was never possible. He spent so much time telling himself he could never have the life he wanted, so he would just be alone the rest of his life instead… That idea has been chipping away with time, but I feel today a huge chuck chipped away.
To know that someday I’ll find the love of my life and our marriage will be recognized all over our country is a very beautiful thing.
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